A lot of nothing.

So this weekend was fun. I met a lot of nice college kids that go to UGA and made myself welcome in so many apartments in one night that I could possibly be entitled to some sort of award. In retrospect, I probably came off a bit…sloppy… but I had a lot of fun, a lot of laughs, and a lot of eye candy. In other words, it was a successful weekend. Back on campus, life has been dull. Saturday night I did not sleep. I started that movie I wanted to make- consider a moving rough-draft to my book that has its own sound track. Afterwards I went and took some pictures outside around campus. Climbing the fire escapes at 4 in the morning probably made me look like I was on acid, but it did result in some choice pictures. Now that my creativity is flowing more freely, I feel much better about myself and life. Next step: Start writing again. I’ll probably start with poetry again, dabbling in different forms I’m not accustomed to. This is actually fun for me and I need to get back into it. Another aspect of my life that I need to conquer is I really need to get back into the gym. I do live in NJ during the summer and beach season is quickly approaching. And now that Tony is THINNER then me, I just know I’ll be at the beach a lot. Besides, it’s time for me to get more comfortable in my body. Now Tyrone wants me to meet him 9 tomorrow, but I have a meeting for the debate so I can’t which will make this the 2nd time I blow him off. Now say what will you will about Tyrone, I still feel bad.

Anyway, tomorrow is also the day of groveling. Mass amounts of e-mails will be sent to mass amounts of professors in hopes that they will be very gracious and understanding. OH! And I can’t forget Rachel’s insistence on researching a counselor around here. Yes, must do.

Anyway, I’ve been awake now for only 11 and 1/2 hours but I have class in 7 1/2 hours, so that rounds out to… I should soon go to bed? I don’t think I’ve gone to bed before 2 at all this semester but I surely haven’t gone to bed before 3 or 4 in the past 3 weeks. Namely because I have acquired this wonderful taste of insomnia. For instance, I went to bed this morning at 8 am. Staying up all night was in no way difficult for me and I didn’t fall asleep right away either! I laid in bed for probably 20 minutes. I only slept 8 hours (the healthy amount) before getting up and showering and all that jazz. I don’t see the relevance in this paragraph at all, but maybe you will.

Well, I’ll wrap it up since I’m only writing because I’m watching As Good as it Gets and I like to do things while I watch movies… apparently.

One last thing: You left me way before I ever left you. I love you. I miss you. I wish you would come back to me. But I know that’s very improbable. Just know, wherever you are, however deeply you are hidden- I still love you.

Now that folks is sad.

A letter of uncertainty.

So, I’m trying to figure out whether or not to come back to Lee next semester. Well, most likely I’m not going to, which is an anxiety filled statement. But in all reality, coming to Lee was something I had to do for myself. Now, I’m trying to remember why that was….
I needed to move away, experience this independance 12 hours from home and see how well I could handle it. I needed this to prove to myself one of two things: Either, yes I’m ready to live on my own. I’m mature and responsible enough.
Or, no, I’m not ready.

My answer is somewhere in between. Though I need independance and will probably get an apartment in New Jersey, I’m not ready to be in college so far away. I’m obviously not responsible enough (hence my attendance record). I unfortunately came to Lee on the wrong foot, relatively speaking. I came and instead of being the freshmen I may have been, I was involved with older people who slacked off and thus I slacked off. And since I did so in highschool as well, I’ve quickly fallen into this rut. But there’s more to not returning to Lee than just my class experiences.

I am not happy. Not content even. It’s like.. sometimes I say, “Okay if everyday was like today I’d be very happy to stay here.” But more times than not, I’m unhappy. And it’s not for lack of friends or ‘good times’ because we have a lot of those. I can’t really say what it is. But ever since I’ve been back, I’ve been depressed. I don’t know why. At first, all of Lee reminded me of Jon so that was part of me being a ittle down. But as time has passed, and I’ve reached different resolutions with that whole aspect of my life, I still have this lingering sadness if you will. My creativity is gone. I have no muse. And I, really, feel like I’m dumber. My mind is not being excercised. My vocabulary isn’t growing but instead seems to be diminishing! And my lifestyle is just unhealthy. Living for the weekends, never sleeping, eating at weird times. Ugh. I think living a life of hiding, having to lie about who I am almost.. this school, these rules, these people… I don’t belong here. Perhaps, one time in my life, I did. I mean there are tons of people here who are just like me but.. they are depressed too. Even when I’m happy, it’s just a happier version of my sadness. I don’t know what I need. I feel like moving back home is a failure, but it’s not. My dad said to me today, “You did this for yourself. You did not fail, you just realized it’s not for you. That’s fine.” And it’s right. I’ll move on to the next phase in my life. It’s scary to think of going to a new school again, starting over. But tons of people transfer every semester.. it’s no big deal.

Not to mention my Christian walk, or my lack thereof. Chapel? I go because I must, and even that doesn’t keep me off probation. Bible classes? I hate them. This forced Christianity just totally pushed me in a new direction. But it wasn’t only that. It was also the bitterness so many people feel, it rubbed off on me. And I am constantly looking out for those fanatical, extreeeeeeeeeeeme right winged girls that I know go here. I dislike them without even having ran into many of them. It’s like I strive for the confrontations that are to come. I have disdain for a lot of this place. How strange, because I also love it in many ways. I enjoy having Christian teachers and the people here for the most part, all together, really are all so so so nice! Leaving to me is sad. I have a life here. I have started to put roots down in terms of relationships. I have, already, a past here. But I also need to know when to move on and perhaps that time is now.

Yet.. I love entertaining one last option. Getting an apartment here and working for a semester or two. Saving up money, then re-enrolling. Oh that, I believe, would possibly be ideal.

In a nutshell.

This weekend ran me ragged. Yes, it’s Tuesday. And No, I have NOT BEEN DOING WELL. I should have been up both today and yesterday by 10. I wasn’t. Not even close. I didnt go to chapel this morning or make it to my workout, which made Tyrone mad..heh. But I came to the startling fact that I’m happy. And let me say this, still getting over the relationship but no longer wish to ever be with him again. Which is good for our friendship. Though ofcourse if someone is on you, kissing you, it’s hard to say NOOOOOOOOO. But I learned how. I also cleared things up with this other person whom hadn’t been the friendliest. Now that he and I are cool, and I realize I’mn fine with everything, and I see that I’m happy… now that all that’s going down I just need to conquer this whole academic thing.

It’s Valentine’s Day. Tony is my valentine. If I was home we’d be going out. But I’m here. Chapel in 45 minutes. What a valentines day. I meant to call my dad but I got sidetracked and he called me and left me a message. ❤

Tonight it would be cool if everyone got together and did something. But who knows. All I know is I need to go to bed tonight before 3.

I’m not one for tears.

I just feel like apologizing to anyone who has met me this semester. I haven’t been myself at all. I’ve been quiet, boring and down. And even worse, I’ve been trying so desperately to regain myself that really, I feel I’ve lost myself.

I’ve never been one to wallow or have self-pity or feel depressed. I’ve been through way to much to let myself get down because I know that ‘this too will pass’. But once and a while you just can’t help it. Life gets too thick and shit just keeps piling on and eventually you just break.

Today was the climax I’ve been surpressing. I had a conversation and it really ripped my heart out. It hurt more than I could have ever expected and I wasn’t at all prepared for it. However, instead of telling myself “Ché, get over it.. don’t cry, it’s no longer worth it”, I just lost it. Rachel thank God talked with me and listened as I vented and yelled and just cried to her. I love her; she’s true. Afterwards, all day, I’ve been depressed. I mean really really down. At the Lightening game, in our dorm, and at Andy’s especially. But afterwards, Shari Ava and I went to Waffle House and since we’re all going through some what of the same thing, we were able to just talk about it. It was relaxing. I really needed a girl night I guess, which sounds lame, but it isn’t.

It’s okay to let yourself get upset. I can’t bottle this shit in because that just creates a bigger problem. And I can’t lie to myself, acting as if I’m totally okay. I need to let myself heal and really I need to just get over this hump and move on to the next phase of my life.

So today was a bad day. We all have them. But I’m not letting myself get like this again and I’m not going to let February be the same as January was. I need to reconnect with myself. It’s just hard because I don’t have my best friends here with me to help ease all this, which was fine until today. Because today everything came to a head. But I refuse to let some one be able to hurt me so much. No one should have that power.

So, I’m done. I’m looking ahead and I know that with time, I’ll be back to my old self again.

I just want to go to sleep. But I have to study for this sociology exam so I’ll most likely be up until 5, if I go to sleep at all.

Bob Dylan said it best:
The order is
Rapidly fadin’.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin’

Pizza hut is pretty gross and way expensive.

This weekend was alright. Friday and Saturday we went to the Chattanooga food bank and it wasn’t at all horrible. It went by super fast and was pretty fun. Except I sprained my hand.. because manual labor is not my strong suit. Then last night we went to this hardcore show. Let me tell you.
“I do not belong here!” haha. But it was fun. But, I had the most fun at Waffle House…
And I got to wear Chucks and I love any excuse to wear them. Next time we get to go shopping I’m buying a few pairs.
You know, things just aren’t how they should be. Our dorm room last semester was, toward the end, the room of despair and depression. But this semester it’s the room of slugs and rocks. We think we’re fine, but we’re not.. because there is still this underlying layer of not being content and I don’t know why. I’m pushing on though.
I don’t want to go back to Jersey in May, and Lee has sort have been my ‘hideout’ from home. There’s no distinct reason why I don’t want to go back home.. it has nothing to do with my home itself.. I love my family. But I can’t really go into my reasons here. Just know that if I was at all able to have my own apartment here, if financially I’d be fine.. I would live in Cleveland for the summer. But since most of the freshmen here aren’t too independent they’re all going home, and everyone older who wants an apartment already has plans for roommates and everything this summer. It’s cool, I’ll survive. And I’ll get to see my sister graduate AND help her get ready to move away to college.. that’ll be fun. All the talks we’re bound to have. I’m nervous though that I’m not going to be able to come back. I’ll fight that though to the friggen death.

Anyway, tonight I’m studying with Rachelle. We’re watching Hide and Seek which is an okay movie I guess.

This is the first superbowl sunday that I’m not doing anything. I’m not at all into football but the parties are always fun (and I do watch the commercials ha.) SPEAKING OF PARTIES, I haven’t partied in TOO LONG! I NEED A PARTY! So someone please throw one.

-C

And I need to get my cell phone!

Solitary woman

There is an amazing storm outside. Our dorm is shaking from the thunder. I’ve been waiting for a storm like this ever since I first came to good ol’ Cleveland. But this storm makes me remember some things. I remember phone calls that left me disappointed. And I remember promises. I remember precious conversations. I’ve been waiting for a storm like this because I wanted to share it with someone that I no longer want to share it with. But still, it’s finally here.. and I’m left thinking.

So anyway, I’m kinda in a funk. Moods like this are inevitable I guess.. everyone gets down once and a while. I put in some Against Me!, but it’s not working.

I just need to not need anyone.

Who says “come on in and have a beer”?
Nobody
Well one time when things was
Lookin’ bright
I started to whittlin’ on a stick one night
Who said “Hey! That’s dynamite!”?
Nobody
I ain’t never done nothin’ to nobody
I ain’t never got nothin’ from nobody, no time

I went to the food bank today in Chatty. It was a lot of fun, and I met some really cool girls. We’re going back tomorrow and then to some show at Fathom. I need to pregame this shat.

I’m craving a good night, considering my last ‘outing’ ended in a way that I only have myself to blame for.

-Ché