What seems normal in the evening by the morning seems insane.

Once again, my personal motto comes rushing in at full force and slaps me straight in the face. No matter how much I understand and grasp that fact that ‘nothing is certain’, I still seem to so often be painfully reminded. But nonetheless, I have in the last few months realized my strength. I have keen sense of what’s right for me and no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I have to go with what I know is true. I’ve learned to listen to myself and I now can logically come to well thought out conclusions to some of the most painful of realizations. This ability keeps me thinking logically and doesn’t allow me to just go with my emotions, which is good since emotions are only temporary feelings.

I’ve been acting really dumb lately, doing things I’m personally against and casting a bad shadow on my name and all that I stand for. But that stage is over. Life is ever changing and my life right now is NOTHING like it was only two months ago. Fortunately, since hinesight is 20/20, I realize that my life now is pretty much, in every aspect, greater. Healthier.

Realizing he may have never loved me stings. Realizing I did however love him is enlightening. And though I hold resentment and some anger, I will choose to let that go. Why soil my thoughts over something that I can’t change. Instead I will do what I always do. Look fondly at the good memories, eventually forget the bad ones, and move on with a little more wisdom and insight.

You can’t take life or yourself too seriously. Learn that and things get so much easier

Give me your eyes, I NEED SUNSHINE

We’ve been watching Friends season 7 for.. I don’t even know how long. And for some reason it’s hilarious.

So we had our hall party tonight- we painted doorstoppers. I painted ours- blue with flowers and vines and stripes and polkadots. Yeah, it’s a clash of adorable beauty. Tonight I just had to get my soc. reading done and I really didn’t want to eat crap in the caff again so I went to the Student Union to eat a bitchin sub and read about 30 pages. It’s so much easier to read when I’m surrounded by tons of people and life. I sat there just reading through the first two chapters and I really enjoyed it.

My mind has been swarming all day. I wrote about it in my other private entry but really, I need closure. Or perhaps I just need to move on.

You know what, I can’t do these public entries any longer. I can’t stand not being able to say what I want and I can’t say what I want in here because… because.

And if you’re reading this, yeah you have something to do with it. It’s this vague, hidden message crap I hate.

Okay- I seem discontent now. And I wasn’t until I started this entry. Fabulous.

El Oh Vee E.

You know, dear readers, over half of my entries are private. And the public ones are usually meaningless and in no way deep. I have so much spilling out of my mind, but those thoughts need to stay with me alone. So, when you read this, know that everything said is about 1/800th of my life. And in all actuality, I have many posts about the important things. In fact, my private posts are probably deeper then anything ever written publicly.

All you need to know is that currently in my life I am a bit regretful, very confused, and am trying to do ‘the right thing’ in every aspect of my life. And it’s one of the hardest things I’ve done.

And I want to go back.

in 5 hours I need to wake up and take a shower. Well I dont think Im going to sleep tonight so, in 5 hours I need to go upstairs and take a shower. I called out of work today. I didn’t fall asleep until 6 in the morning.

Oh, so I go to Victoria’s Secret to get some bras today.. riight, 38 D my butt. I’m now officially a 38 double D. And get this, I didn’t even gain any weight. Nope these thangs just keep on growing. I’ve been wearing a 36 D, but they grew so this month home I got measured and I was told I’m a 38 D. So imagine my surprise when I try one on today and it doesn’t fit. Good thing I tried it on. I was just going to grab a few and buy them. So later I went to buy some sports bras because I am HITTING UP THE GYM THIS SEMESTER..and I bought the extra large size. From the sounds of it you’d think I way like.. 180 or something. Nope, less then 150 thank ya. I’m 5’5, less then 150.. and toting around double d’s. Mmhmm.. I’m going to get a reduction if they get any bigger. I swear. I dont see why people would want implants to get like this. Really, they just get in the way. Well, they do come in handy once and a while, and luckily are still very perky.. and (sorry for the over info) are kinda my distinct characteristic. I think when I lose some more weight this semester they’ll go back down to a 36 D. That’s fine.

Tonight, as I started packing, Kat called me so I went bowling for an hour with Kat, Sunny, Arbie, Tina, Olivia and 2 other girls that I’m not friends with. I got a strike. It was nice to see them I haven’t since AUGUST pretty much. I like my friends. This summer, deff going to clubs and such.. and Delilahs hahaha. “Tip, tiip.” Funny ass story. Not as funny as the batman/zombie stories. hahaha they still crack me up. Ah.. highschool girls ❤

I'm insanely nervous about all the bags I have. I have 3 to check. can I check 3 bags? I don't know! and 1 carry on. Please Jesus let me be able to check them all. Really.. how insane is this? 4 bags? Oh schtuff. Okay one bag full of clothes, one bag full of STUFF (popcorn, makeup, school supplies, hair supplies etc), and one bag full of shoes and hair straightener/dryer. The bag I'm taking on the plane is for my laptop, so that should be okay. =/ sigh.

In 4 1/2 hours now (I've been taking my time on this) I'll be in the shower. And my mommy is going to be mad at all my bags.

I have work at 8 in the morning. It’s 4:12 and I’ve been sitting in my bed for the past 2 hours.. completely unable to fall asleep. Its my last day tomorrow. I feel like just calling out. I cant because then i might not get rehired in May.

This.
Is.
RIDICULIOUS.

If I go in tomorrow.. I’m leaving early.

what the heck. I have too much on my mind? Mayyybe.

I am exhausted and pissed off.

I just looked up the Bakers number, finally, called..talked to Nina =), and finnaaallllyyy TALKED TO MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=) =) =)

Maybe go there for Spring Break? POSSIBLE.

OH I am so ecstatic.

I love my MJ.

So I want someone to wine me, dine, love me, kiss me, write me songs and poems. But not because I want them to and not because I asked them to (Id never ever ask for it) but because they want to. I want them to put pictures of me up on their myspace and not be able to hide their smiles when they think of me.

Im looking for that person who can adore and love me as much as I will adore and love them, if not more.

Okay, I guess in all reality I just want to be swept right off my feet, because I haven’t ever been. You know, made to feel like the most beautiful girl in the room/on campus/in the world. I don’t want to be spoiled… I want to be special.

Can you do that?