So Merry Christmas. But that’s not why I’m writing.
I can’t wait to go back to Tennessee and prove myself to myself. But it’s at night when all those thoughts begin to plague me and I just want to say ‘I love you’, ya know? Whether these current emotions are accurate portrayals of how I truly do feel or not isn’t even a question, because they aren’t. This desperate yearning is common. It’ll pass. It’s freaking horrible ha. I am ready though for a serious and committed relationship. For some time I wasn’t ready, as in I couldn’t be the person I would have to be in order for such a relationship to thrive. But when I decided to succomb to such a notion back in July, I eventually realized just how well the shoe fits. And so, I’m ready. Even more so now than before because I know myself better. I now see how easy it is to lose yourself in a relationship, yet I have the self esteem and backbone to never let that happen again. I need to trust God, ya know? Steering myself without him as the guide never brings me to where I want to be. I get lost, go figure. Yet, regardless of all I’ve learned in this short time (which has been a huge abundance of knowledge, believe me) I still at times find my lingering feelings coming to the surface. I’ve handled everything extraordinarily well I feel, but I can’t ignore these feelings, because that’s not handling them. That’s surpressing them, meaning they go away but only momentarily and spring up again, except even stronger and more confusing. I just hate dealing, you know? Dealing with pain and loss and unhappiness. Dealing with confusion and regret (though minimal and rare)and the unavoidable ‘what if’s or ‘if only’s. I’m really not bad at catching myself playing the whole ‘if only this had happened, or if only this was said’ game and stopping it, but it still happens. The strangest thing is that I’m happy and I know everything will work out, has worked out or is currently working out. Keeping myself in reality has been a huge part in my being ‘so strong’. In reality: I wasn’t happy, it was shitty, this is better. However the second I begin to reminisce I can’t help but get a bit remorseful. Not remorseful about the actual relationship but with the IDEA of the relationship. That’s a huge thing I’ve come to realize: It is possible to be in love with the idea of a person, rather than with the actual person. It is possible to be in love with the idea of your relationship rather than with your actual relationship. This is not at all to say I wasn’t in love, because I was and am. However, I’m not fondly looking back on the relationship itself but rather the idea of it. The idea of this fun loving, cuddly, very comfortable relationship is one all women strive towards. But you must be smart enough and intune enough to realize when your relationship is not what you think it is/pretend it is/wish it is. And, when you are finally real enough with yourself to admit how things actually are, you realize that you’ve known this all along. You weren’t fooling yourself, you just thought you were.
Of coarse, if I was to be told everything would reverse and things would be as I had hoped they would be way back in the summer, if things would be how I was promised they would be, then I can’t say I wouldn’t go back. But then again, that’s me not being in reality. And I’ve learned that though living in reality isn’t always as pleasant as optimistic daydreams, it’ll help you to see the truth in life and keep you from many disappointments.
Yet I can’t help but mourn the apparent loss of optimism. It’s kept me from having to face the raw harsh ugly truth of so many situations. It was my shield. I would see the truth but I wouldn’t have to completely absorb it. I knew it was there, accepted it as truth, but optimism kept me from tasting it, touching it, completely feeling it. And thus, I was able to coast through many of lifes trials. But perhaps if I start to feel it, touch it, taste it and be completely engulfed by the reality of life, I’ll be less likely to go through as many trials. Who’s to say really. All I know is this is all I know.