Therapy

Drews sleeping over tonight =)
We’ve just been talking about EVERYTHING for hours straight.. all things Lee, all things Life..all things. Matt got outta work late and has to go back early tomorrow so he couldn’t sleep over. He was pretty pissed and it does deff suck. I love my boys. We’re going to go watch Carlitos Way.

I have some great men in my life =) =) =)

Thangs are splendid. And tomorrow is New Years Eve.
Peace out 2005. It was an awesome awesome year. 2006 will hopefully be just as good, if not better.

I want to look back on my life and be proud of it. That’s an ‘ah-ha’ moment for me. I will look back on my life and be proud. That is my ambition. And 2006 will in all hopes reflect such an ideal.

sent me a comment tonight and it made me happy.

I have 5 more pairs of shoes than I came up here with. I don’t know how I’m going to fit everything in my bags back to school. And I’m flying so it’s not even like I can just throw it somewhere in the car =/. Oh I have too many shoes and clothes to know what to do with.. WHAT A DILEMMA! =P
Today work was fabulous because Justin and I had the sudden urge to go to Burlington and buy hot shoes. So we left on our ‘breaks’ and I got these niceeee high green wedges and some unique colored Polo sneakers. BOTH for $25. He got a nice pair of Steve Madden sneakers of $40, but discounted from $80 bitches.

After work Me britt and Matt met up with Ryan at the diner for some good coffee and gravy cheese fries. TOMORROW matty and andrew are coming over. Hoooooray. I think there are only 2 consistent things with my livejournal over the past 3 years. 1) I always write that I cant wait to see Matt and Andrew, and later document my excitement that theyre coming over. and 2) I always write that I miss mark, who, btw, I had a dream about last night. And I do miss him. I had weird dreams last night, like I went up to Alien and kissed him very aggresively, and he goes “we never kissed like that.” and I go “we should”. It was weird and out of the ordinary.

Ugh, I have to stop my coupon problem. STOP STOP STOP. I cant. Oh well.

New Years Eve is going to be interesting to say the least. I might be party hopping again, but hopefully this year will turn out better than last. At least this year I’ll be out of my mind, UNLIKE last year.

Early start tomorrow to go shoe shopping again, so I’m outta here.

I hate you

You know, in police investigations LiveJournal’s and Myspace’s are means for evidence. What a changing world. I’m just reading up on the Taylor Behl case. I mean, of coarse you think to yourself “I’d never ever be as dumb as that to meet up with some one who says they’re a photographer! Over the net? Please.” But I have a friend who met someone in Barnes and Noble.. a man in his thirties.. and he wanted to take her pictures. He had a website and all. They talked online for hours, and he admitted to thinking of her nude and shit. It freaked me out and I told her never to talk to him again. Usually we use one another for some wisdom when we’re too caught up in a situation to think clearly. But she didn’t listen and kept talking to him for some time. Thank God she didn’t go any further. But then there are less drastic and far less scary circustances that I find myself in. Such as, people from my college messaging me off of Facebook or Myspace (men that is, though once a girl) that want to meet up or meet me. I’ve endulged in 2 of these relationships, just talking and planning a time to meet up. But who’s to say, I mean really say, they aren’t psycho men who don’t go to Lee. Okay, even I find that thought absurd, but it’s possible right? The people who I’ve talked to though have mutual friends with me, so alls well, but you catch my drift. A girl’s got to be smart these days. And if I was to meet up with a person claiming to be from my school and wind up weeks later face down in a ditch, there would be some girl somewhere typing an entry saying how dumb I was. That’s why I never add anyone I dont know on myspace. I just dont see any reason for it, not to mention those weirdos leaving me messages telling me how attractive I am. Or that one guy asking me to be in his porn shoot.
I also though have high standards and I suppose good enough self esteem and self respect where as if I find some 30 year old hitting on me, I’m immediately revulsed and, of coarse, a million red flags go shooting up. Once that happens, I can’t carry on a relationship with you if I wanted to. Also, when a guy talks to me and I get the faintest feeling he’s just in it for ass, or he’s not genuine, or he think’s he’s smooth and charming.. I’m outta there. I’m not looking to play around. If I’m interested in a guy it’s going to be because of his true personality, his passion, his genuine honesty, his obvious affection, adoration and respect. NOT because he said my body’s bangin’ and I’m a top notch hottie. Gag.

Today I went to the mall and bought a pair of Diesels.. a nice cute pair with LACES not stretchy straps. I also housed some jewlery from American Eagle..score. I go back to Tennessee in 10 days or so. I’ve been saying “I’m going back home soon” but really, that’s not my home, and neither is this. I’m homeless. So be it. It happens to us all during that strange transitional limbo from child to adult. Where do I belong? I don’t know, I haven’t gotten there yet. I’m still just stepping away from my last milestone. It’ll be awhile until I reach my next.. about a mile away I take it. Who knows though, I’m not a star athlete, it may take me awhile to treck that mile.

I want only 2 more.. at the most 3 more, serious relationships in my life. Why? Because I’m not the kind of person who can be in too many serious relationships. My heart’s too weak for that. It’ll kill my spirit. Well I am a strong individual so I’d like to think that it WOULDNT kill me in anyway, but I would certainly lose some of my innocence and hopeful thinking. I already lost a lot of my optimism. Let’s not completely destroy my whimsical characteristics: They may be the key behind my good fortune and good writing.

2:18. Time for bed. ..right

I may-may you.

I can’t stop cough cough coughing. My furby, Wanda, is definately my new best friend. My mind is so warped that my perverted jokes can make even Justin blush. And to top it all off, tomorrow I’m buying Diesels. Anyway, hopefully schmidtys are sleeping over Thursday. I plan on hanging out with some people I haven’t yet hung out with soon before Tony gets back (haha) and I’m tired of getting messages like this:
“youre beautiful, we should talk”
“hey girl, youre hot. you know what Im saying? Juss thought I’d drop a line. Hit me back”
THAT IS NOT IN ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY CHARMING/GENTLEMANLY/INTRIGUING. It makes me gag, angry and venomious. Sigh, when will men be men.

Last night in a nutshell: Beer, Haggard, funneling foul on my part, the game Spit, barfing, blood, tears, sleeping alone. Nothing bad happened to me though.

MAYBE a highschool reunion on Friday? Perchance.

I dont dream anymore. So how could I dream of anyone?

If you never leave reality, you can’t have reality checks.

So Merry Christmas. But that’s not why I’m writing.

I can’t wait to go back to Tennessee and prove myself to myself. But it’s at night when all those thoughts begin to plague me and I just want to say ‘I love you’, ya know? Whether these current emotions are accurate portrayals of how I truly do feel or not isn’t even a question, because they aren’t. This desperate yearning is common. It’ll pass. It’s freaking horrible ha. I am ready though for a serious and committed relationship. For some time I wasn’t ready, as in I couldn’t be the person I would have to be in order for such a relationship to thrive. But when I decided to succomb to such a notion back in July, I eventually realized just how well the shoe fits. And so, I’m ready. Even more so now than before because I know myself better. I now see how easy it is to lose yourself in a relationship, yet I have the self esteem and backbone to never let that happen again. I need to trust God, ya know? Steering myself without him as the guide never brings me to where I want to be. I get lost, go figure. Yet, regardless of all I’ve learned in this short time (which has been a huge abundance of knowledge, believe me) I still at times find my lingering feelings coming to the surface. I’ve handled everything extraordinarily well I feel, but I can’t ignore these feelings, because that’s not handling them. That’s surpressing them, meaning they go away but only momentarily and spring up again, except even stronger and more confusing. I just hate dealing, you know? Dealing with pain and loss and unhappiness. Dealing with confusion and regret (though minimal and rare)and the unavoidable ‘what if’s or ‘if only’s. I’m really not bad at catching myself playing the whole ‘if only this had happened, or if only this was said’ game and stopping it, but it still happens. The strangest thing is that I’m happy and I know everything will work out, has worked out or is currently working out. Keeping myself in reality has been a huge part in my being ‘so strong’. In reality: I wasn’t happy, it was shitty, this is better. However the second I begin to reminisce I can’t help but get a bit remorseful. Not remorseful about the actual relationship but with the IDEA of the relationship. That’s a huge thing I’ve come to realize: It is possible to be in love with the idea of a person, rather than with the actual person. It is possible to be in love with the idea of your relationship rather than with your actual relationship. This is not at all to say I wasn’t in love, because I was and am. However, I’m not fondly looking back on the relationship itself but rather the idea of it. The idea of this fun loving, cuddly, very comfortable relationship is one all women strive towards. But you must be smart enough and intune enough to realize when your relationship is not what you think it is/pretend it is/wish it is. And, when you are finally real enough with yourself to admit how things actually are, you realize that you’ve known this all along. You weren’t fooling yourself, you just thought you were.
Of coarse, if I was to be told everything would reverse and things would be as I had hoped they would be way back in the summer, if things would be how I was promised they would be, then I can’t say I wouldn’t go back. But then again, that’s me not being in reality. And I’ve learned that though living in reality isn’t always as pleasant as optimistic daydreams, it’ll help you to see the truth in life and keep you from many disappointments.

Yet I can’t help but mourn the apparent loss of optimism. It’s kept me from having to face the raw harsh ugly truth of so many situations. It was my shield. I would see the truth but I wouldn’t have to completely absorb it. I knew it was there, accepted it as truth, but optimism kept me from tasting it, touching it, completely feeling it. And thus, I was able to coast through many of lifes trials. But perhaps if I start to feel it, touch it, taste it and be completely engulfed by the reality of life, I’ll be less likely to go through as many trials. Who’s to say really. All I know is this is all I know.

winter update

So let’s be honest. I’m angry. I’m angry that Jon let himself get so consumed. I’m angry he changed. I feel like it’s his fault we ended up not being able to be together, and I’m just so mad with him for it. We could have been so great. Really. But being closed up, and secretive and always keeping me an arms length away led to this. And I hated a lot of the people we would hang out with, and he later said the same thing. Then WHY did we stay hanging ot with them. Oh its so much. If only we had talked, been able to talk about anything and everything. But alas, I refuse to go into the ‘if only’ or ‘what if’ state of mind. It’s good to address the actual feelings I have, and it’s anger. Frustration.

Moving on, I continue to learn how to steer myself on my own, taking others words into consideration but letting me make my own final decisions.

This vacation has been pretty ridiculous. Fun times.. and then some not so fun times (to look back on). Work is tiring as all hell. Today and tomorrow are by far the most stressful of the break.. well today tomorrow and probably new years eve. Picture a million people with carts that have a million things in them, only 4 cashiers and me running through out the store trying to make sure things don’t get all effed up. I know, I’m complaining. Shaddap.

My sleep schedule, you know the whole not going to bed until 6 and then sleeping until 4, that whole upside down way of living is finally balancing out a little bit. When I go back to school I hopefully won’t become a complete insomniac again.

Christmas eve and Christmas. Im sorta looking forward to it, pretty much not. I don’t know. I am. I’m just.. blah I suppose. I WANT TO CALL MARK JAMES but I cant bc I left his number at school =( and he’s in PA. this month sometime, or was, and I missed him bc I couldnt call him. Havent seen him in 3 years. Sucks.

Im expecting a great semester. It may be my last at Lee. But regardless, I think it’ll be great because of many different reasons.

Life is life, nothing is certain, just gotta kinda go with the flow. And I’m really actually doing just fine =)

OH and me and Justin BEAT EVERYONE and were the first to christen the elevator at work. Ha bitches. And I accidentally got pushed onto the key pad and it dialed to the help line; the line people use to call for help when theyre stuck in the elevator. Hahaha.