I just went and read my entries from last year around this time. So much was going on; I was trying to figure out what schools to apply to, I was making mistakes, drifting from God, finances were a mess, I got into my car accident, I had mixed up feelings about this guy (haha if only I knew), I just started to party a bit, family life was going downhill, everyone started losing their virginity, I was reallly really getting tested..I was having a tough time. I was struggling with so much; youth alive, the loss of mark, the uncertainty of my future. Now a year later, other things are going on. I’m still stressed out though but I see now that I have a lot LESS to be stressed about. Different situations. Now I’m sorta having a ryanesque complex, so I need to fix that immediately before I fall into a similar situation. Other than that, my time here at Lee thus far is NOTHING like I had expected. Reading back on my journal, I was expecting a life opposite of what I’m living.. and I’m to blame for that. When this semester ends, dear GOD will I be ecstatic. I need to pass my classes though. I’ve gotten really good at learning how to stop thinking about stressful situations. What I would do was during the weekend or when I’m alone in my dorm trying to fall asleep, I’d make myself push any stressful thoughts out of my head because they would keep me from sleeping. Now I do it constantly. So.. thats no good.
I really need to focus on me and get myself back. Fatty Mcfatfat. I need to become me again. NOT this nervous little twit I am. I hate bottling shit up and I MUST stop. I get frustrated. I can’t be like this. I refuse. Also.. since when do I cry this often. See what happens when I put myself out there. I’m vulnerable and thus, easily hurt.
Well, it is 3:19 so I should go to sleep seeing as I have class in 7 hours and I need 8 hours at least to function. Oh well I nap everyday anyway. A nap a day is seriously a life saver. I started napping last year though, because senior year was oh-so hard.
I just need a break from it all. I need a time out, take a deep breath, and yell DO-OVER. Otherwise, time out, deep breath, work work work work work work work, rest. Start over.
A good start would be to work off my accountability hours and get off chapel probation.
Until next time, you are not who you hang out with, but you can forget that sometimes.