Being in love is great.
I’m still in that stage where I always want to see him, be with him, always him. But the weird thing is this, we’ve fought, I know he’s not perfect, I don’t have unrealistic ambitions or beliefs about us.. I’m being a realist to the extreme. But I still get such butterflies when I think about him, I still blush when he’s on my mind.. I still feel it in my heart, that anxious quick heart beat. Ah, I glow. It’s like that first stage of crush or month of dating where everything is perfect and you see the relationship as flawless, and nothing he does is wrong.. and you’re blindly infatuated. Only, everything isn’t perfect, we aren’t flawless.. things do go wrong, and I’m not blindly infatuated. Yet, I still am crazy about him. I love him. I’ve known him now for 6 months, all of which we liked eachother and have been working on this relationship. We’ve been dating now for almost 4 months and you know, it doesn’t feel like it’s been a long time. I feel like it’s only the beginning. It’s like we’ve barely touched the tip. There’s still so much we DONT know about eachother. Oh man there’s SOO much we still nmed to learn and conquer and deal with and learn how to handle. But, I feel like we have a long while to work it all out.
But then, I write something like that… saying we have a long time together, and I rush back to past conversations and think to myself ‘what if he doesnt feel the same. what if we DONT have a long while.. what if what if what if.’ But I’ll learn to ignore that.. eventually it’ll fade away.
Anyway, I love him. Love. What a heavy word.. never ever to be said lightly or said if even the slightest bit of doubt lingers after it. I mean it with every fiber of my being. Man.. I love him. And I hope we have a really long time together… maybe a forever.
I miss my sister. And I’m desperately in love.
I just want everything to work out forever.
I hope I’m not fooling myself with this life I’m leading.
Nothing is certain. The most accurate yet scariest truth I have come across.
Im not friggen 12 years old.
I HATE ACTING YOUNG.
sleep. now. please
Today I made my face known to my government teacher. Today I went to rhetoric. Today after class I got to cuddle and play. Today I am getting the New Testament notes (!!!!!! yessss). Today I decided what to write my rhetoric paper on. Today I will decide what to do my outline on. TONIGHT is the hoe-down.
Today, I saw hope =)
Last night, damn TKO was close to winning that volleyball game.
Last night, I got another vio =(
Life ain’t so bad. Waking up at 9 isn’t so hard when Jon has to get up at 8:40, and Jay gets up around 8:30. Waking up at 9 isn’t so hard when I get to cuddle and laugh and play before then.
I must keep my GPA.
I mustt study for these upcoming exams UGH KILL ME.
This Tuesday, I must see my full potential.
I must start working out more…and when I say more, I mean more than now, which is zero.
PS- I'm 19 years young I realize. But nothing's wrong with that. Oh, and my family supports and loves me. But I dont want to move back to Jersey…at all.
I will become an alcoholic grocery store worker and that just ain't me.
Oh, and I speak with a jersey accent. And I notice it now.
What the hell is going on? Ive thrown myself into a hole and its going to take all i have in me to dig myself out. I may not come back next year.
But, what is up with you? What’s going through your head? You know I care so much for you, why do you keep me at this distance. Why do you keep so much from me. Why is it you expect me to tell you everything, and I do, yet you keep so much.
I know you’re used to being so secretive and protective, I know you arent used to trusting many at all with what’s going on inside of you and in your head. But, why dont you trust me with it? Youre putting up a wall. A wall we had once talked about knocking down, where we would build up walls around the TWO of us. Remember, we’d be inside together, nothing between us. That takes time. I understand. But do I open up too much then? I hope that if there was anything ever really important or crucial, you’d tell me. But I don’t know that you would.
I hate when people use then and than wrong. THAN is when comparing (You’re much fatter than me) THEN explains when something happened. (I then went and jumped off a bridge)
I HATE when people misuse I and Me. Epsecially when they put I when it should be ME, because I know just they think they are being so correct with their grammar and they feel PROPER because they said “Will you come jogging with Rayburt and I?” when it’s Rayburt and ME. If you cant figure it out, take the 2nd person out of the sentence and see which you would use. “Will you come jogging with me” is what you would say, not “will you come jogging with I”
It makes people look stupid.
I really hate when people forget to close their parentheses too. Especially in a letter or some type of email, because I read what’s in the parentheses as information that isn’t neccesarily critical but helps add detail. BUT IF YOU NEVER CLOSE IT, I get annoyed.
Those are 3 of my quirks.. ha how anal do I sound? This I is partly why I wouldn’t want to be an editor. I’m good at it, but I get too frustrated., Its okay though, silly quirks and pet peeves are what make people unique and original, as long as you don’t let them really get out of hand.
Also, please dont say ‘yous’ in front of me, as in “yous wants to get some dinner?” Ugh.
Theres more to me then I am letting everyone see. Im smarter then this. Im more understanding and patient and easy going. Im not such a push over as I have been. I cant bottle things in anymore. I bottle everything up again like I used to, and its not only unhealthy but it has no positive results. And, Im braver then this. Fear of losing people I love. Fear of appearing ‘dumb’. Im over this fear. If I get negative responces from letting go of my fear and saying what I need to say or doing what I need to do, then Ill realize that something needs to change. Because Im selling myself short. By bottling up my anger or sadness, Im acting as if those emotions are unimportant. I always let people say things to me Id never say to them and do things Id never do to them. Is it because Im surrounded by jerks? No, its because I hold back, act reserved, try to keep the peace by holding myself to different standards than the standards I give to others.
I dont know if this makes sense but it does to me, and I can no longer edit myself because its only a matter of time before this editing causes resentment or unhappiness. and its only a matter of time before I lose myself.
I love, I get jealous, I feel anger, I have pain, I laugh, I have input, I make decisions, I am independant, I am opionated, I have beliefs, I make mistakes. Im done apologizing for who I am.
I am tried, and I will be true. And only God can judge me now.