Flat-Lined and Halloween

I have definitely been feeling emotionally shielded lately. Like, as if the other day (yesterday, actually) I took a hit and now inside I’m hiding under the covers. Just to take care of myself. I’m feeling better. Gosh, I don’t break down easily, but afterward I’m always a little tender. I haven’t been blogging as much either. In part due, I’m sure, to my computer being testy with the power cord situation, but also because blogging moods come and go, and after my Writer Craze subsided, I had some left over great writing feelings, and then I wrote those chapters to the book, and now I’m flat lined. Not flat lined as in dead, I mean emotionally straight. Writing and emotion are so tied together for me. If someone knew me well enough they could read my blog and after a week just know where I am emotionally.

Halloween should be good. Work with Nic and Josh will be fun and then Matt’s later that night. Sucks I’ll be getting there so late. I have to decide to either 1) not  drink too much and drive the girls home or 2) stay the night. I’ll figure it out then. But I got my costume all figured out today, the last piece will be Nic drawing out my shirt. It’s so silly looking, it made me laugh.

Britts here, foods here, I’m out

Writer Craze

I need to explain what this is. Writer Craze comes gradually. I start to feel creative, but also stifled. It intensifies. My mind begins working differently. Its like theres something raging inside of me. Being born in me. Needing to get out. But it’s not something that comes out at once. It comes out slowly, over time, as I write and write and write for days or weeks, everyday. And with each word, a tiny part of it is released. Writer Craze is not the type of burning inside of you when you’re suddenly inspired. This is more of a mental breakdown of sorts. A written breakdown. And when this starts to happen, my mind shifts. It’s as if I’m a transformer and I have to transform into something else when this craze takes over. And it’s not a conscious choice. It just happens. And so I become more sensitive, more aware of emotion I suppose is a better way to put it. I am effected more. I feel things I would otherwise block out. I suppose it’s that my defenses are down as I suck in emotional stimulus in order to have more of a grasp on feeling when I write. It’s not that I go out and search for emotional shit to suck in, I just begin to feel the things that have already been going on that I just haven’t felt.

In this rare state, where I feel everything, I can cry. ( I rarely cry). I can cry, I can have revelations, I can talk more openly about how much writing means to me.. I am reminded that writing is imbedded into my fucking blood. It literally takes over. Writer Craze is a metamorphisis and I am different.

And I do go absolutely crazy. Like… a drug addict searching for the last bit of heroin left on the entire earth. That’s what it is. But, I never get my fix. I don’t know if I do. I write a lot, and say a lot.. but do I ever really get what is trying to come out?

You know what, I do. But it takes a while.

Writer Craze, since i see everything differently, also helps me to see what is WRONG with my life. I see the reasons that I am feeling absolutely insane at the moment and my writing pounces on it. Perhaps writer craze is a defense against the toxicity in my life. Because my writing pounces on those things like white blood cells and I can not for the life of me ignore the utter consequences any longer. Suddenly it’s all revealed. Like picking up a rock and seeing the potato bugs. That’s what writer craze does. It picks up the rocks, sees whats deep underneath. Things I haven’t looked at, ever. Writer Craze also knows what I need. It predicts things. When I start to feel it, my mind usually goes into some fantasy world. I do daydream much more, but there’s one particular fantasy that sticks out. It’s there for some reason. Sometimes suddenly people I have been thinking about come back into my life. They call me. They text me. They ask to hang out. It is exactly what I need.

And then, disaster strikes. And I am thrown for such a loop that there is no way my feet will be touching ground any time soon. And this is when it has fully taken over.

I suddenly need change. I crave it. I drive a lot. I smoke cigarettes. I go to the beach and look at the ocean. I feel like I’ve been crying though I haven’t been and everything seems coated in sadness, yet it’s still beautiful. Everything is both sad and hopeful. I am locked there. In sadness. In hope. I’m crowded in optimism. I’m crushed beneath sorrow. Now, here.. finally.. I am ready. Now I will begin to write the things that have been dying to come out. Only here, when I have been lifted into a different plain of vision. When my body and my heart and my thoughts have all been broken down, then I write. So maybe that’s really what it is. Writer Craze is the process of breaking me ultimately in order for the words to finally escape.

Writer Craze is beautiful and an amazing gift, but at the same time absolutely torturous. I wonder if anyone understands it. Someone has to.

Where am I now in the process? I am in the I NEED CHANGE phase. I haven’t been broken completely.. I felt like I was yesterday though. Maybe I am. I’ll have to see.

http://whoische.wordpress.com/2008/11/26/talk-to-me/

That link brings you to a rather short post that was written during one period of writer craze.

My eyes just opened wide, I saw a scene that is not infront of me. The craze has awakened.

Today I Am Depressed

It all started in my Digital Media class, we have to make a presentation on Keynote instead of powerpoint. I don’t use Apple. I don’t know how to use a Mac. And regardless of how “user-friendly” it is, I don’t get it. And I became overwhelmed. Exasperated. Exhausted. Enraged.

So, I finally leave there and I got grumpier with each step I took. I know now what I want to do. I am moving west the day I graduate. Maybe not the day.. but see…

I always envisioned the road trip as the be all and end all. It was my goal. And now it’s done. And so I have been wondering what I would want to do next, but since that spark.. that burning neeeeed to leave had been fulfilled, it wasn’t really that high on my list of concerns. Until suddenly, the spark has been reignited. I’ve been home for barely over a month and already that damn spark is back. Oh passion. Anyway after thinking about it I decided something. My mom was saying that since I don’t need to start paying back my loans until 6 month after I graduate, I should use that time to travel. I was fully expecting myself to do Teach for America for a year. But I don’t think I want to anymore. I decided that since Brittany is going to be in school for 2 years more after I graduate (including her masters.. damn girl making me look bad) I can’t just wait around for her. Yes we have plans to move outta here together, but I don’t want to just get a job in the city with Adam while I wait for her. Because 2 years of that will change me, and I’ll see my benefits and my security and my promotions and I’ll be locked in. I’ll miss out on my dreams. I don’t want that. Not yet. So, I am going to move by myself. Just me. To a city where I don’t know anyone. And I’m just going to live there. I’ll have a little porch maybe and grass and I’ll sit outside with a sweatshirt and a drink, my music playing, and I’ll breathe in the crisp mountainous air and I’ll be content.

You see, the writer in me has more than emerged. It is taking over. I can’t stop daydreaming. I can’t stop doodling. My notebooks look like that of a child with ADD. I can’t stop writing little poems or ridiculous nothings. Nothing substantial.. the creativity is just oozing though. And being away and somewhere new will enhance that. I’m not fighting it anymore. I might even be going crazy. But that’s a good thing. The best writing comes out of my craziness.

And so, where will I move? I’m not sure yet. I liked Denver. I liked Portland too. I could move to a surrounding area by one of those two cities. But you know, the Portland thing probably won’t happen. But it’s a year or a year and a half away, so I’m sure that if anyone I know is moving to Portland they’ll do it by then. Otherwise.. I’m going where I want to go.

And soon.. I am just going to go.

And I’ve also realized why we perpetuated our mistakes for so long. We needed reminders as to why it was doomed. We’re very forgetful.

I am even forgetful at times still.

Regardless, I want to be by the Pacific, but I want it to be overcast and gray and beautiful, and springy/fallish. I want to see the huge waves crash on dark rocks with heavy fog as its backdrop. And that my friends is the pacific northwest.

But maybe I”ll settle for the Rockies in the distance.

I don’t know yet.

I feel better.

Strong!

I feel a lot better. Let there be shit. I’m over it. I’m beyond it. Besides, I’m better than it.

Maybe my confidence has been a bust for a while. To be candid, maybe I haven’t allowed myself to have anything to be put on the list. But it’s a work in progress, it always is, and just like back in 06, it’s a work but there is progress. I’m always working on this strength, and I always come out on top.

And I don’t lie to myself about it. Which is always the difference that matters in the end.

And I have writing. I will never lose it. And I am good at it. I’m good at something at least. My life is only beginning.

Thank God for God, my friends, and the things that fate throws at you. Good night.

Let’s Talk About

being crazy. Which I totally am, sometimes.

If left on it’s own, my brain will flow into weird places and kind of get stuck there. And then I’ll switch to autopilot and continue in my same monotonous self-destructive tasks until all of a sudden (if I’m lucky) a moment of clarity will emerge and I’ll be like “Oh yeah, wait.. what am I doing this for? I’m beyond this.” And then I’ll stop. I become a robot fueled on boredom.

It all results from boredom. It’s true. And why am I bored? Because I let myself be incredibly lazy at times. And why do I let myself be lazy? Because I have no idea what I want to do! Ever.
There’s a study that says basically, the brain can’t predict emotional responses to things that haven’t happened yet. In other words, there’s no true way to know what will bring you the feelings youre craving, so there’s no way you can know what you want. Because your brain literally cant process what will give you the feelings you’re looking for. Yes you can guess- like “hmm maybe if I was driving on an open road that restlessness would leave” but theres no real way to know that. So, because it’s impossible to know what you want, you really just have to go with the flow. And thats what I’m doing. Im riding this life out right now. I’m fucking, existing.

Let’s be real. I’m on the crest of a ‘new day’ if you want to call it that. Or, I’m in the new day. I’d rather be on the crest of a new day because that means I haven’t stumbled into it yet. But most likely, this is the new day. The beginning part of it anyway. The blended part. The part where the old day is turning into the new day, that shady part.. thats where I am.
So, it’s kind of a restless state. I can see perfectly all that I’m leaving behind, but I can’t see an inch into the future. Not at all. Let’s hope I’m blinded by the brightness of my future, but who knows. Regardless, I do feel restless. Like.. there was all this excitement (“You women love the drama”) and now there isn’t excitement. There’s responsibility, a lot of responsibility. But that isn’t excitement. And so, full circle, out comes the crazy. Resorting to the old things that gave me excitement. Ridiculous!

Mainly I’m not fulfilled. But how could I be? I dream of warmer states and places where I’m a stranger. Meanwhile, I commute to Rutgers 4 days a week from the town I’ve lived in for 11 years and work at the same restaurant I’ve been at for nearly 3 years. I’m not a stranger. The servers at The Court Jester KNOW me, because I’m a regular. Haha. See, I’m a townee I guess. And I will be, until I graduate. Which is good, because at least there’s an end to this road. It’s not like I’m stuck here forever. It’s not like I’ve graduated and am still here for lack of other options. Anyway- it’s not a big deal.

I’m happy with my overall life.

I just happen to have dreams that I need to be fulfilled. Eventually. I am dissatisfied (at times) and restless (at times). That is why I sometimes feel crazy. In reality, I’m just chillin, working on school, and planning the things I will do when the opportunity arises.

The moral of this story is: Patience. I need it. I have patience usually. Just some moments I get exasperated.

And God is great. I mean, He is always there, helping me along. Chillin me out. Loving me. Giving me hope.
But sometimes I feel myself getting annoyed at being so ‘faithful’ and I’m like “Hey! I need something over here! Throw me a line already!” But I need to remember that if I continue being patient, and following Him, all will make sense eventually. My dreams will come true, I will finish school, I’ll get the adventure and excitement back (only this time it will be healthier and fulfilling) and everything will be done as He wants it, so then everything will be far more fulfilling than if I had done it on my own.

See, that makes me feel better.

Thank God I’m going to England in May! I really, really need a trip to somewhere new.

Wonderings

Last night my fingernail came off. My thumb now looks like a terrible burn victim. Which reminds me of a time I was watching a talk show and making fun of the weird looking people, until I realized they were all burn victims. Then I felt slightly dickish, but only slightly because hey- how was I supposed to know?

Some constants: Jon Stewart making me laugh and reminding me of my friend, the Janitor from Scrubs making me laugh (premiered last night on ABC- two episodes fool. Janitor was fired, but for how long?!), wine cravings once in a while, and sudden weight loss on my part for no reason at all (no worries, it all comes back). Also a constant, pregnancy scares. Let’s talk about it.
I thought for sure I was pregnant like 100 times. The best thing about being single is never being scared youre pregnant. If I was pregnant or had become pregnant anytime in the last 22 years of my life, ugh I don’t really even want to think about it.

Lastly, I considered starting a book yesterday. But I don’t know what I want to write about. I’m thankful I do this everyday pretty much because it’s some type of writing. I’ve taken a sabbatical from fiction and now I’m also taking a sabbatical from poetry. But when I do this, I just kind of write whatever comes to mind, which is good. What do they call that? Free writing or something.

OH also, I think I might minor in Spanish. I think that there is something in my calling that has to do with reaching out to migrant workers or spanish speaking citizens. Whether they’re legal or not, they are made of the same flesh we are. And I can’t imagine a life where I would have to go to a country where I don’t speak the language and live there for a few years away from my family and friends, just so I could make enough money to send back home. Because this lonely existence of working 2 jobs every day is better than the conditions at home, and I am responsible for providing for my family. Yeah, I can’t imagine that, but for these guys it’s their everyday. And I’m saying, if I can even make them a little happy when they’re at work then I’m content. I know they’re sad and miss their homes, so I want them to at least be treated humanely while they’re here. I wonder if one day maybe I could work for some type of non profit that fights for the rights of immigrants.

The Recap I Always Do

Alright, how should I write this.

The year started off beautifully. New York, in love, champagne, surrounded by my boyfriend’s friends, all of whom I liked. At that time, it was the perfect beginning of my year.

The year will end surrounded by my friends, mixed drinks, karaoke, food, and all the New Year’s kisses I can reach for. At this time, that is perfect.

Everything that has happened in between is a blur of sorts. My biggest accomplishment was school, seeing as I finally finished Brookdale and was accepted into Rutgers. This was a goal of mine (to finish and find a new school). At times, it really stressed me out. I remember crying in the library, so unsure of where I even wanted to go. But I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I wanted to also be with Joe, so I was considering places in other states when in actuality, Jersey is best for me right now. I did, also, realize that when in a new place you appreciate things about it that the locals take for granted. So put those rose colored glasses on when you’re here, at home. You’ll find a lot of beauty.
I didn’t do everything I had hoped to do this year. I didn’t pay off my credit card, but I’m so close it’s going to be done before I know it. I didn’t quit smoking either. And I never visited Shari. But a few things didn’t happen that I’m fortunate for. My mom didn’t move. I didn’t have to get my own place. I did, however, learn more Spanish. If 2007 was the year of business, and 2008 was the year of intellect (that’s how I worded it last year, and I’m always right) then what can I brand 2009?
2008 held change for me yes, but it was more a preparatory year. I had to finish up with the loose ends of Brookdale. In that time, I was indecisive and at times crazy but overall, I did what I had to do. So I was in love, and then I wasn’t. I had my friends, and then some of them weren’t my friends so much anymore. I think 2008 was a year that held a lot of intrinsic value. I became more confident and did what I wanted, because I stopped caring about the opinions of others. Sometimes this worked against me, but I don’t mind. I also allowed myself to live off of emotions for a bit, which is always beautiful, though also always retarded. By the end of 2008 I was very thankful to God. He has done a lot for me, and recently has been reaching out to me. I learned more about God this year than I have in a long time.
So, 2009.. where would I like to see you? 2009 just may be the year of adventure. Oh, that’s exciting.
Adventures include: New school, internships!, England, possible road trip with Sharkey..
I think just the fact that my future is coming into focus makes me excited. I really am anxious to get my hands on this English major. I am really glad that I’m following my gut doing what makes the most sense. So my goals for 2009.. I’d like to stop procrastinating and gossiping, I’d like to pay my credit card, go the gym, and I’d like to be content with myself. Physically and internally. Also, I struggle with my writing identity, so I’d like to find it. And lastly, I’d like to earn really good grades because this is my last chance at a super fly GPA, and I’d like to intern.

Why are these things an adventure? Because it’s new, uncharted territory for me.. it’s exciting terrain I’ve yet to explore.

Good bye 2008. I feel like 2009 is going to take me out of my comfort zone, and I think I’m going to be kind of an adult by the end of it (kind of). We’ll see. Here’s to the unknown, by far one of my favorite aspects of life.

1)I saw Demetri Martin’s indifferent graffiti, “Toy Story 2 was okay!”, in a New York bathroom,
2) I got a B+ in my winter class.
3) I went to Florida.
4) I convinced far too many people that I was engaged.
5) He surprised me in the mall
6) I had a valentine
7) I spent Valentines day in Philly
8) Lost
9) Joes emotion fueled drive to Jersey
10) Mark got knocked up and I promised to never call him again
11) I bought rollerblades
12) Joe graduated and is finally moving back
13) I played in a poker tournament and wasn’t first out
14) Snoop Dogg watched me dance
15) I talked to the lead singer of Bouncing Souls and he looks a lot older than I expected
16) I got a guitar pick from mxpx.. and gave it to Joe
17) I got all A’s and B’s in the six classes I took in the Spring
18) Mamma got her degree
19) Britt moved back home for good!
20) I saw the spill canvas again
21) I saw Jaime
22) Me and Joe broke up
23) My friends came through
24) rock climbing
25) I started bartending
26) beautiful sunday
27) Went to one of dad’s softball games
28) Saw Barbie and Ken
29) I finally found a new church and started going regularly
30) Having insurance on my electronics paid off twice
31) I saw rainbows. Even a double rainbow. I never see rainbows.
32) I saw the best fireworks in my life, and I always hate fireworks.
33) I met Gavin Schmidt
34) I was able to see Brie and Andrew again
35) I raised my GPA by a higher percent than initially goaled for
36) I saved money!
37) Joe and I tried again, but it didn’t work
38) I bought NutriSystem and lost weight
39) I saw Against Me!
40) I started boxing and kick boxing
41) I made my first Craigslist purchase
42) I got into Rowan
43) I got into Rutgers!!
44) Got in touch with Chris Lezcano
45) Reacquainted with my cousin Andrew
46) Reacquainted with Aubrey and Chelsea.
47) Saw the tree in NYC. I don’t know if I have ever done that.. maybe once.
48) Lost the $100 bet to Josh
49) Hung out with old high-school friends on their 21st’s
50) Had an amazing Christmas
51) Did a secret santa, actually gave a gift this year
52) Bought a gift for my last year’s secret santa, to make up for not getting one for her last year
53) Saw Robert Randolph and the Family Band
54) Became much closer with Kari
55) Had a last festivus at Josh’s, which we all needed
56) and I never mentioned my date with Jesus haha

writer craze

I am hanging on to strands of beauty. It’s winter, or it’s almost winter.. I’m not sure but I know it’s cold. In Spanish class they say November is still Fall, and they’re probably right.

There’s just nothing doing it for me this year. I run from my car to buildings, from buildings to my car.  My skin comes in contact with the freezing air for a few minutes and it is miserable. Yesterday it was raining, and that wasn’t beautiful at all. This morning it was raining. It was gray. A boy from my class said time seemed to be standing still as we walked outside to help our professor move things from one office to another. The incentive was having to write one less paper. Time is standing still. I am always reborn in the Spring, but I don’t think I’ve ever died so early on in the season. Dead. I am not dead but I am going stir crazy.

My mind is content, discontent, sensical, insane. One minute to the next. I am not content, but when are we content? Oh talk of content or travel. Fuck it. I’ve fed up to the imaginary HERE with that kind of talk. I could be very content here. And most days I am. Or, most parts of most days I am content.

But it’s cold and dying outside. And I feel the cold straight to my core. And I am not warmed by much, other than select few memories and some words I talk outloud to myself. I am warmed by sleep, by Thanksgiving break. I do nothing as of late really. Nothing beautiful.

Talk to me. Someone. I am closed off. I am unguarded. I am vulnerable to the World, and I think that if I just cleaned my room and read a little I would feel beautiful again.