Assistant

I should start by saying that I didn’t lose my job. I just feel like I did.

I have been anticipating, looking forward to and excited over my upcoming raise. I had a figure that I wanted, and then a figure that I would accept… but I didn’t expect what I got. Percentage-wise, it’s not a terrible raise. But that percentage of what I make is shitty. So shitty I cried. Bawled in my car actually.

I like my job and my bosses really like me at my job, and I really like my bosses. Soon I’m only going to be required in office four days a week. That’s awesome.

But I have to pay for my benefits starting September, and with this income, I can’t afford them. I also, on this salary, am going to be in trouble if the gas prices don’t calm the hell down.

All that to say, I’m in a predicament now. I CAN’T AFFORD to live like I want to, which is still pretty modestly, just not “I can’t even rationalize using my Verizon upgrade” modestly.

I have full faith though that I’m not completely screwed. I haven’t cried since that initial, day-long shock. Here’s my mental take on it: I did not put myself into this position, except maybe back in August when I didn’t request a higher starting salary. My bad and I’ve learned. But I am in this position because life handed it to me, so there’s nothing I can do except react. For some reason that makes me feel relief.

Righ before the raise happened (or didn’t happen, really), I had realized that I had forgotten that I am in control of my life. I was living so horribly, only performing my obligations, not doing anything I wanted to do. I viewed the things I wanted to do as annoyances. As burdens. Like they were just one more thing to do on my tiring list of things I have to do. I forgot how to differentiate between obligations and interests.

I forgot these results and every aspect of life, for the most part, are the results of your choices. I had stopped making choices, and in return was actually just making bad ones.

So I’ve stopped drinking during the week, which left me tired and bloated anyway, staying up late and losing any motivation to do much after work.

I’ve joined Weight Watchers to get my consumption issues under control. I consume too much, whether it’s food or cocktails or cigarettes.

I re-signed my lease with John. I want to live by the shore and I am going to continue to.

And now, I am going to be looking for a place closer to home that will make me happier. This was forced upon me in some ways as my expenses are increasing but also, I don’t want to have to work at Chili’s forever. That’s the end of it. That’s not a choice I want to continue making.

I’m not making any dramatic life changes. I haven’t and I don’t see it like that. Those phases don’t work. But I am trying to remember I am in control of this life, or at least a lot of it, and that if I’m not happy I need to figure what needs to change.

It kind of feels like I’m waking up. I haven’t felt any excitement like this in a while. It’s not strong excitement, just a little rumbling beside the things I’m scared of and the apple I had with breakfast.

And I think it’s interesting that right when I started to remember that my life is my own, I was left a letter on my desk with a little number next to a percent sign that read, “it’s time for a change.”

More like.. wh-wh– what next?? =/

I need to find something else to write about now.

This celebrity gossip, bubble-gum, “sweetie” laden text isn’t cutting it anymore.

No adult woman thinks like this.

And I don’t want to write for the ones that do.

Now… what next!

A Brush with Fame

My blog readership is up 50% for the month and I’ve hardly written anything. Strangers followed me on Twitter from reading my articles online somewhere. I was supposed to be training for a radio interview this week. Here’s the story:

An article I had written was reposted to a few sites, most noteworthy being Yahoo’s Shine. The amount of people reading my articles is more than the amount of people I have ever met, combined with the amount of people I have ever thought of or heard of. I can’t bring myself to say the number, for reasons below. It was exciting. Especially the Yahoo thing. That really hit me.

A Seattle radio morning show contacted the woman I freelance for, asking to interview me about the article. She was to start PR training with me.

Talk of being paid to edit for the site came up. Talk of being pushed forward to write content for larger sites, sites that have their articles published in USA Today and other large print publications came up.

Everything happened within a few days. A week. One week and it looked like everything was happening for me.

It was really scary. Everything happened so quickly, but I felt God tell me to just sit still, and to continue what I was doing. Do not make a move.

I didn’t want to boast, or brag, or feel like this was in anyway a credit to my writing. The idea of giving myself credit made me sick to my stomach. I became incredibly frightened of being anything but humble. I prayed to God, thanking him for this opportunity, all of these opportunities, and I glorified him for it. I told him that I know this is his doing, not mine. He is laying my path out for me, and any blessings that come from it are gifts. I have nothing to do with this. That is how I felt. How I still feel. I never expected this fear of boastfulness, or pride. I saw what that could look like on me and I hated it. I won’t be that.

I told God that if this were to all fall through, I would be grateful for the experience. The feeling of it alone. I believe that either way, it is His will. That is it. Just let your will be done, and help me to hear you to follow it.

The radio station hasn’t, to my knowledge, followed up. The paying for editing isn’t happening. Instead, the editing is used as payment for the expense this company is taking on in order to promote me- whatever that means (I really would be terrible at business).

The payment will come, eventually, maybe, as a result of advertising revenue. It will not be a large sum, but I knew that.

The opportunity of partnership with this larger, more connected website is still in the works. It’s me, this other girl, and the niece of a huge 70′s celebrity (I won’t say who out of fear of anyone ever Googling their way onto this blog). The three of us are being pushed forward, in hopes that the involved companies will make money while we get our names out there. I will have the opportunity to write original content. This is still a great opportunity.

But, that leaves me wondering- what do I want to write about?
First, why do I write? Because I enjoy it. I enjoy writing well, and I enjoy the praise. That is obvious. Writing is an ego booster. Let’s stay real about it. But even if no one ever read my writing, I’d still write. I enjoy it, it is a part of me.

But what do I want to write? If you have the opportunity to write about anything, and that something is going to be read by a lot of people, what do you say?

I thought this was my chance to leave bartending. Maybe it will be eventually, but as of right now, I’m still there every Saturday. And I still have to move, and I was feeling anxious. It took me some time to put my finger on my feelings, but that is what it was. Anxiety over trying to move out with someone who is still in school and has no money. Anxiety over not having much money myself and expecting to spend more on my living expenses in only four months. Fear because if I move too far, for the first time ever, Mark told me that it could affect our relationship. I wasn’t worried about that at all, but his response, as honest as it was, didn’t align with mine. I am grateful for that. With worries and honesty out in the open, I can make a wiser decisions.

Today I prayed while in the car. I feel peace over the situation my future roommate is going to be in. Peace over that, do not worry about her. Leave her be. I feel peace over my finances, God has never let me down. Be wise and don’t be wasteful. It will be okay.

And with writing and bartending: today was not my big break. I so badly want to be in the next chapter of my life, a chapter that doesn’t include two paying jobs and freelancing. I wanted to be past this. But I’m not. Thank God, because that was his plan. Thank God I was not granted what I wanted. This is my path, and it is still a good one. Perhaps a tiring one, perhaps one with a million different steps, but it is the one I’m to be on. And I will always be thankful, as obedient as I can be, and humbled with the knowledge that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

I want to be the person that hands it to God to take, all of it. Whatever it is. Because none of it was mine to begin with.

But I am still excited, and happy. I still have my dreams. I think I am being led in the right direction. I guess I can say, I kind of know where I want to be, but I’m not ready to be there yet, and so I will just enjoy the journey, wherever it puts me.

Life as Ordinary

My ankle is still sore but I was able to walk better on it today. I’m hoping tomorrow it won’t be killing me. First day back at work was okay, made $138. I had this one table though, these two innocent yet terrible girls who sat for almost a full hour and a half after closing. Dave and I had to then wait until Sue was done because she let the cooks go home. I like how I have a repore with the cooks these days. It makes everything easier. Nic called me while I was working and because Sue was there and this table wouldn’t leave, leaving me with nothing to do until they left, I took it. We talked about our sagas and it put everything into perspective. It’s not that bad, living life unattached. It looks worse than it is. And really it makes you stronger. To have the bravery and strength to let go is a beautiful thing, and sometimes you need to get to the point and say, “Enough is enough.” I’m excited about the unknown, it just sucks when life feels uneventful. But its then that you become yourself.

I’m looking forward to writing this book. I was thinking about getting published on my way back from dog sitting at my dads, and it made me cry. I guess I really want that, more than I knew.

Blame it on the alcohol

I wanted to not work bar today because I was so tired. I was up by 9:30 and showered and on the road by 10:20. I was in class by 11:20 and my professor arrived late.. so late in fact that another four minutes and we would have been able to all leave. Regardless, I noticed how alert I was and I was proud of myself. That’s when my eyes became heavy and next thing I knew I was asleep. That is until my arm slipped from under my perched head and my neck snapped forward. You know, the “I was one second away from banging my head on my desk” situation. Anyway when I left class all I wanted was a nap.

But I didn’t get a nap and went to work and closed the bar and it was fun. I made more money than I would have made if I was in the lounge and I learned how to make two new drinks: A washington apple and a white russian. I think I’ll keep this shift for myself, and only switch with Dave if I am ridiculously tired. I’m proud of myself for working bar tonight.

I don’t think I have time to shower and I’m looking forward to eating

I’m been feeling good lately. Not so sad or longing.

Kari came over last night and I drank a lot of wine. Ended up subscribing to so many bands on Pollstar. Freaking JOHN VANDERSLICE is playing in New York this week and I’m going to miss it. I didn’t know! So I Pollstarred him for future notice.

I’m looking at the rest of my week:
School today, work tomorrow, Meeting and work Saturday..
It all seems so routine.

I am totally cool with:

1) getting to this page through other pages because I’m too lazy to type wordpress.com into my address bar
2) friday nights being spent at Chilis, because I have great ppl working friday nights, and I still get to have a drink
3) me and nic gossiping together, and everyone accusing us of being luvahs because we spend a lot of time whispering
4) employees smacking my ass
5) my bosses touching my sides
6) letting all my emotional wounds go public. Letting people know how I really feel is like dropping my burdens off to the salvation army. It’s wonderful
7) being a dick sometimes
8) crushing on past crushes
9) getting cut when I have an empty section
10) sleeping alone
11) my dreams taking on a life of their own. Whatrya gunna do?
12) comedy central
13) Josh testing out my trust with secrets ranging from 1-10 on the severeness level. I’m at level 4(?) and I don’t want to get to 5!
14) not saying shit about phil and jackie
15) knowing so many secrets!
16) my scumbag boss hooking up with 17 year old girls, because hes better than previous managers (srsly)
17) people telling me how skinny I am lately
18) my highschool girlfriends calling me lately

Stark Contrast

Being sick is somewhat comforting because I am reminded of medicine that makes me sleepy and my mom rubbing my head and my back. It reminds me of soup and crackers in bed and being groggy until I am allllllllllll better.

But then I realize I’m 22, and have to work, and that I can’t take medicine that makes me groggy, and that if I want to be able to stay in bed I better have been sent to the hospital, because otherwise I’m fired. And instead of my mom taking care of me I am going to be heckled by drunk bar guests who want to kid around or talk about their dull days, and my bosses will probably tell me I look like shit, and if I cough everyone is going to grimace because obviously I’m preparing their drinks.

That is not so comforting.

But still, in 13.5 hours I should be back here in bed, and my mom will give me a hug and I’ll drink some tea and house some medicine and I’ll drift to sleep and tomorrow I’ll feel even better.