The CHANGE

In what has been consistently great, something has changed. The turn has come.

You know the one. You can feel it. It’s kind of sudden, and there’s no going back.

The “honeymoon’s over” turn from “Oh my god we are so perfect, he is so perfect, nothing in the world could ever tear me from this” to “Oh my god, we are not perfect and damn, forever is a long time. I love you but how dumb am I to have thought we got this. We are so far from getting this.”

This relationship has been incredibly easy.

But this distance. It’s taking its toll, baby.

Sober Thinking

Sometimes things don’t work out the way you wanted them to. Usually this results in denial, terrible tries to make it work, and eventual bitterness over the entire situation.

And then, you sober up. Your mind has a way of resetting itself and allowing you to see things clearly. It doesn’t happen easily, or quickly, and it usually doesn’t last. But it does happen. And in these moments you should really jot a few things down.

I know that I am lucky that things didn’t get fucked up between us. I feel very fortunate to be able to have conversation still. I think I will be able to get back to normal in time. I also know that this is best. I can sleep tonight not feeling heavy in my heart because I didn’t get what I wanted. Sometimes you want the wrong things. And when you realize that you’re very lucky. Even luckier when you don’t get what you want.

A few times at work a discussion on love breaks out. Anjel, Nic and I are ALWAYS involved. This time Courtney started it. She asked how I can believe in love seeing as my parent’s themselves are divorced. I explained that once you are in love you can never not believe in it. The problem is that 1) Courtney doesn’t understand how “love” and “was” can ever be in the same sentence. This doesn’t make sense to her. I can understand that. 2) Anjel and Nic have seen too many people “be in love” and then “be in love” again with a new person shortly afterward. I understand this frustration. 3) Sometimes you are never loved as hard as you love. Love takes everything in you- real love. And you fight for it. And when you say it, you mean it. Or at least that’s how it should be. If you’ve been in real love and haven’t had real love given back to you, you begin to become hardened and jaded. I also understand this.

The thing is is that love is hard. And it doesn’t always last forever. And sometimes it isn’t reciprocated properly. These are all risks you take. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And sometimes it falls apart, and you fall out of love. And sometimes after falling in love and then falling out of it the person you once fell for turns out to be someone completely different than you thought. This is also a sad risk, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

I’ve said this before, but there’s a line in the movie Adaptation where Nick Cage’s brother (who I think is also Nick Cage) says that just because it wasn’t mutual doesn’t make the love he felt less valid. This is also true, and this realization changed me and got my through a really tough time at one point long ago.

It’s hard to believe in it when it’s evaded you for so long or when you’ve been severely burnt by love. But the truth is, it’s not love that’s burning you. It’s the person. And people are imperfect. How can something as pure and true as love be handled by imperfect people? It will always get somewhat tainted. It will always at some point be hard. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Will everyone end up with someone? No. Does everyone experience true love? No. Is there someone meant for everyone? I don’t know. But it’s real. And I’ve felt it. And I have fought for it. And I have put everything I had into it. And still, I am single. Yet, I am not without love. I don’t think it wasn’t real. It was very real. Even if it only lasts for a short time- that was love. And I wish I could say that even if I never experienced it again I would still believe in it and still be warmed by its memory. But I can’t say that because I don’t know if I’m that strong. I am imperfect. But I do know it’s real. And I do believe in it. And I do know I’ll find it again- somewhere, with someone.

I think once you lose your faith you lose a lot more than just that.

“Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes. You’d know what a drag it is to see you.”

Bob Dylan

The repercussions of living a life counter to ones nature

I just wrote a paper on this.

#truth

Killing Time

I feel like I let myself become cheap. I allowed myself to be used as an emotional safety net. I mean, neither of us are in love with eachother yet I allowed myself to act like there was some reason to still sleep together and there isn’t. I know that.

But its not like a desperate thing, or a holding on to something that isn’t there thing. It’s a… filling a void thing. Because no matter how great life is, and how fulfilled you are in it…after a while there’s moments that slowly creep in and you begin to miss having someone. And the soft stroke of a hand on your back can really distract you sometimes.  But afterwards, youre left just as empty (if not emptier). You do go home alone. You don’t have meaningful conversation. The ties of love that hold up the mattress aren’t there, and without it sex is just sex, and it’s a bad thing. A good beautiful thing turns bad. And it keeps us from actually being some sort of friends, and it causes problems, and fights, and hurt feelings that really have no right to be hurt other than for the fact that two days ago we had slept together. It’s more like a cancer on something we’re trying to make clean after all this time. Seeing as I don’t want to completely fuck my life over by becoming emotionally empty or numbed or hardened, and seeing as I really want to live Gods way and I really want to meet the guy God has for me, I’m okay with it being done. It’ll save me a lot.

This trip, this dreaded scary but wonderfully beautiful trip is a life raft. It’s pulling me out of a flood of bad decisions and bringing me to clarity. It’ll keeping my summer from being a waste. It’s going to show me everything I need to feel in my heart. It’ll replenish me. My writers block has thawed for sure, but it’ll completely melt it away. It’ll distract me. It’ll be an adventure. I’ll have fun. I’ll laugh. I’ll be doing something of SUBSTANCE rather than drinking. I mean, I just need to break out of this mold. don’t we all though?

Take Back the Night and the raffle

So on Thursday I left class ten minutes early. It was dull, I just wanted out. I thought we were done, packed my stuff up, and then realized there was ten minutes left and he was going over another poem. So I bounced. I knew Take Back the Night was doing a march on campus that day, but it started at 6:30 and I had class. When I left it was just before 9 and figured it was over. I heard them march past our classroom, screaming some chant about ending domestic violence, and as their voices faded away I figured that was it. But as I was walking down College Ave I came across a group of about 30 or 50 people surrounding a microphone. A girl was giving a spoken word about being raped, and I stopped to listen. Actually, I jolted to a stop. The next person went and I listened intently and began to get tears in my eyes. It was really emotional for me. A few more people went, some talked about rape, others about domestic violence, and I felt myself saying, “You have to go up there.” I knew I’d be so disappointed in myself if I didn’t. After seeing there wasn’t a line or a list or a roster, I crept up to the front of the crowd. A girl stepped down and the mic was open, and no one went up. All of a sudden I just dropped my bags and walked up to the mic. I was so nervous, and I looked at the crowd on the busiest street in school, standing at the microphone, and just opened my mouth and said, “Three years ago I was raped,” then I took a moment and felt myself wanting to cry so I followed with, “And if I start crying it’s not out of weakness but because the fact that I can stand up here and say that to all of you shows how far I’ve come.” Then, to my surprise, people started clapping and cheering, and I took that moment to recollect myself. I went on to tell the story, the aftermath, the people saying “it was fucked up but it wasn’t rape.” I explained how I had to see him continuously after that, how he ate lunch with Shari and I. I told them about telling my mom and how for so long I had no voice. But then I explained how I started talking about it- to my class, to my family. And I explained that the moment you stand up on your feet and find your voice again is the moment you begin taking back the night.

Afterward I was really emotional. I was shaking and crying, so I called Rachel and cried pretty hard. Then I called my mom and cried some more. It wasn’t an immediate catharsis like I imagined it would be. Instead it made me realize that I’ve never dealt with it. If hearing those other girl’s stories could make me cry then there is still scarring on my heart that needs to be addressed. Also, if I cried so hard after telling my story then there is definitely scarring I need to address. It’s just that I still tell myself it wasn’t rape. But I said no, and I’ve been so affected by it that I can’t deny it. I owe it to myself to say, “yes I was raped, and yes I am affected, and no it wasn’t okay!” But my question is, if you heal from it, do you forget it? Does that mean you’re over it? Does that make it okay? It doesn’t I guess, but I think I want to be mad at him. I told Rachel shortly after it happened that I genuinely forgive him, but I don’t! I don’t. And he never had any repercussions so I feel like by holding on to it he isn’t getting away with it. I guess if I healed and forgave him completely I’d feel like he really got away with it. And since it’s way too late to report it, by letting it stay within me I’m keeping him from getting off totally scotch free. But why should I have to be the one to pay the price for him? If he can go on with his life, I deserve to go on with mine. And though he never suffered any legal or worldly consequences, my faith is that he will or has suffered consequences that I just can’t see. I think I should go to a counselor and talk about it, in order to start the healing. I firmly believe in counselors, I think they are so beneficial and help you to realize things you can’t realize on your own. Or at least things that would be supremely difficult to realize on your own. Maybe I’ll do that next semester… go to the school counselors that is. But, never the less, speaking in Take Back the Night was a life goal of mine and I’m so proud of myself for getting up there.. completely alone.. no one in the crowd who knew me or to support me.. and telling what happened. Proud of myself for admitting it out loud. Maybe it helped some one, but even if it didn’t, it at least helped me to realize I still have healing to do.

In other news, last night a bunch of us went to the Chapter House because it was Anjel’s 23rd birthday. They were holding a raffle for a 3 day 2 night stay at a hotel in whatever state you chose. I told John that if he won he should take me and that if I won I’d take him. I don’t know why I said that, maybe because we were splitting so many tickets. They were free and Haas was bar tending and she gave us a huge pile of tickets. I ended up winning! So we picked Myrtle Beach because Katie and Tim live out there. We could hang out with them without putting them out, go to the bars, see Vinny. It’s going to be fun. Alana and Bobby might go to SC that weekend too and stay with KT and Tim. If we get 2 beds Brittany can come too and maybe even Kari if she can get off from work. We’re planning on going in August.

Tomorrow is going to be beautiful and we’re having a BBQ at Maureen’s. It’s going to be so nice and maybe I’ll even get some color! I should wear shorts to be sure.

Just a thought

“For I shall never give up the state of living alone, which has manifested itself as an indescribable blessing.” Einstein

Yeah.. right. I don’t know. I used to think I wanted to spend at least some time living alone one day. Probably in between getting a place with my sister or friends during/after college and getting married. Probably somewhere around having a real job, having saved for a year or so. But I kind of don’t know. I like having family around (friends are family sometimes). And I think if I lived alone, though at times it would be great, at other times it would be very lonely. I really enjoy having Brittany just a room away so that if I want to be alone I can but if I want to hang out with someone I can just walk two feet.

Mercy, please.

I’m facing a crisis. I’m staring blankly at a possible future that made me cry all day today in my car. And what do I do? The ONE thing that got me here in the first place. That terrible, awful mistake that I apologized for and felt like an idiot for- I REPEATED IT.

This is what I hate about being human. We are so stupid. And, we are so selfish. And we are so transfixed on immediate gratification. I look to God and I’m just like.. “What can I even say? I apologized and talked to you all day and then did the very thing I was mad about. I’m a failure. A terrible person. I deserve fire to my skin. But Lord… regardless… please spare me. Please, just again, apply your marvelous mercy and grace on me. Both of those things, I need both. And help me to become better..”

You hear that prayer? It sounds so familiar because I pray it so often. I feel like I deserve whatever comes to me. But I don’t want it. I don’t want to suffer those consequences, but I deserve them.

This sounds so cynical. Like I’m depressed or self-loathing. I’m not. I’m human. I’m so so so so human it’s awe inspiring. As in, wow. Look at ME. I am as bad as any lot of humans could be. I can’t judge a single person, but still of course I do. And that is the awe inspired part. That in one breath I see the rotting flesh of my tainted soul and in the next continue doing the things that cause me to rot.

And so I am looking at God, completely aware that I deserve nothing, yet praying and begging and hoping for the opposite of what I deserve. Because if I get what I deserve.. there’s a chance I’ll just sin it away. And that sin will ruin me.

I have my picture

I’m rewriting this in actual words that actually mean something.

I haven’t been having fun lately. Lately as in, the past 8 months. I have been confused, stressed, saaaad, nauseous and struggling to feel ‘normal’. But I haven’t been enjoying a whole lot. I’d lost the fun when out with friends. I lost wanting to hang out with friends. I lost the appreciation for people and I lost whatever spontaneity I had.

But recently, in the past month or two, I made a mental decision to start having fun again. It just took me a while to realize I had stopped enjoying things.

And I have been having fun. Sober fun, drunk fun, sister fun, friends fun. I’ve made efforts to hang out with people I usually don’t, to go out when I usually wouldn’t to places I usually wouldn’t, etc. I didn’t do this so much in the recent past because I didn’t- I don’t like to distract myself from life. I like to realize what’s wrong and to then deal with it. Of course I sometimes distract myself, but for the most part, I don’t. I mean I wish I could a lot of the time! But I feel like it’s not genuine. To ignore your mental state or your emotional state is irresponsible to yourself. And it just backlogs everything and you end up with a wall of issues to eventually tackle.

I guess I’m getting back to normal. I’m talking real actual normal. Me 2 years ago normal. The state of Che that exists alone.. yeah I’m getting there. To the place where I recognize myself again. To a place where my mannerisms are mine, my words are mine, my thoughts are mine. To the place where I’m totally disconnected from the past and back to me. That state of normalcy. And that’s a good thing.

But after last night… I don’t want to rack up mistakes. I don’t want to have regret. I want to be good in God’s eyes! But then nights like last night happen and I think on one hand, it was fun and I don’t regret it and it actually did me some good. But then there’s that other part, the ‘I’mmmmmm an idiot’ part.

Back to normal is good, but I just hope I can stay on God’s path. It’s easy to be on it when you’re self searching constantly.. really looking within. It’s easy to be on it when you feel alone, and God is all you have. It’s easy to be on it when you’re not being asked to do anything, but instead you’re being comforted.

But when I stop looking deep into myself for a while, when I don’t need as much comfort, when I’m not completely alone*, when I am being asked to change, when my mind begins to wander… it’s then that the real struggle begins. I don’t want to be all ‘holy-holy-holy’ only when my world is crashing and I’m in need of a savior. I want to be consistent with my relationship during the times when I don’t feel such a desperate need for Him as well.
(Not that I don’t need God, because I do. I do do dodododododdoo. I am a mess without Him. A completely hopeless walking disaster.)

*I say I don’t feel alone because I had, along with giving up fun, curled up into myself. I stopped talking about what was ailing me, and it wasn’t good. I felt like I had such weight in my heart, and no one knew. So just recently I realized this, that I had resigned myself to walk life without any help, and I decided to do the opposite. I’ve been open lately, honest. I stopped caring how I looked and I gave up trying to uphold any type of reputation and I just let my heart speak for itself. Being honest with those in my life has helped me to become more honest with myself, which I think is why I realize so much lately. I have quit trying to reassure everything. For example, I’d always write “Dont get me wrong, I’m happy” or “I don’t care about this” or “Yeah things are good for the most part” and I’d usually follow it or precede it with just a hint of truth. The issue I really should have talked about but didn’t because I didn’t want anyone knowing what was going down, and I don’t think I wanted to really stare at my ‘pathetic’ truth. But not anymore. Not here. Because if I let my voice fade, I’ll read back here and everything will be a carbon copy of every other entry. If I’m not honest in here, whats the point of writing?
If I’m not honest with my friends, whats the point in calling them my confidants?
If I’m not honest with myself, well then.. whats the point of anything.