A Brush with Fame

My blog readership is up 50% for the month and I’ve hardly written anything. Strangers followed me on Twitter from reading my articles online somewhere. I was supposed to be training for a radio interview this week. Here’s the story:

An article I had written was reposted to a few sites, most noteworthy being Yahoo’s Shine. The amount of people reading my articles is more than the amount of people I have ever met, combined with the amount of people I have ever thought of or heard of. I can’t bring myself to say the number, for reasons below. It was exciting. Especially the Yahoo thing. That really hit me.

A Seattle radio morning show contacted the woman I freelance for, asking to interview me about the article. She was to start PR training with me.

Talk of being paid to edit for the site came up. Talk of being pushed forward to write content for larger sites, sites that have their articles published in USA Today and other large print publications came up.

Everything happened within a few days. A week. One week and it looked like everything was happening for me.

It was really scary. Everything happened so quickly, but I felt God tell me to just sit still, and to continue what I was doing. Do not make a move.

I didn’t want to boast, or brag, or feel like this was in anyway a credit to my writing. The idea of giving myself credit made me sick to my stomach. I became incredibly frightened of being anything but humble. I prayed to God, thanking him for this opportunity, all of these opportunities, and I glorified him for it. I told him that I know this is his doing, not mine. He is laying my path out for me, and any blessings that come from it are gifts. I have nothing to do with this. That is how I felt. How I still feel. I never expected this fear of boastfulness, or pride. I saw what that could look like on me and I hated it. I won’t be that.

I told God that if this were to all fall through, I would be grateful for the experience. The feeling of it alone. I believe that either way, it is His will. That is it. Just let your will be done, and help me to hear you to follow it.

The radio station hasn’t, to my knowledge, followed up. The paying for editing isn’t happening. Instead, the editing is used as payment for the expense this company is taking on in order to promote me- whatever that means (I really would be terrible at business).

The payment will come, eventually, maybe, as a result of advertising revenue. It will not be a large sum, but I knew that.

The opportunity of partnership with this larger, more connected website is still in the works. It’s me, this other girl, and the niece of a huge 70′s celebrity (I won’t say who out of fear of anyone ever Googling their way onto this blog). The three of us are being pushed forward, in hopes that the involved companies will make money while we get our names out there. I will have the opportunity to write original content. This is still a great opportunity.

But, that leaves me wondering- what do I want to write about?
First, why do I write? Because I enjoy it. I enjoy writing well, and I enjoy the praise. That is obvious. Writing is an ego booster. Let’s stay real about it. But even if no one ever read my writing, I’d still write. I enjoy it, it is a part of me.

But what do I want to write? If you have the opportunity to write about anything, and that something is going to be read by a lot of people, what do you say?

I thought this was my chance to leave bartending. Maybe it will be eventually, but as of right now, I’m still there every Saturday. And I still have to move, and I was feeling anxious. It took me some time to put my finger on my feelings, but that is what it was. Anxiety over trying to move out with someone who is still in school and has no money. Anxiety over not having much money myself and expecting to spend more on my living expenses in only four months. Fear because if I move too far, for the first time ever, Mark told me that it could affect our relationship. I wasn’t worried about that at all, but his response, as honest as it was, didn’t align with mine. I am grateful for that. With worries and honesty out in the open, I can make a wiser decisions.

Today I prayed while in the car. I feel peace over the situation my future roommate is going to be in. Peace over that, do not worry about her. Leave her be. I feel peace over my finances, God has never let me down. Be wise and don’t be wasteful. It will be okay.

And with writing and bartending: today was not my big break. I so badly want to be in the next chapter of my life, a chapter that doesn’t include two paying jobs and freelancing. I wanted to be past this. But I’m not. Thank God, because that was his plan. Thank God I was not granted what I wanted. This is my path, and it is still a good one. Perhaps a tiring one, perhaps one with a million different steps, but it is the one I’m to be on. And I will always be thankful, as obedient as I can be, and humbled with the knowledge that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

I want to be the person that hands it to God to take, all of it. Whatever it is. Because none of it was mine to begin with.

But I am still excited, and happy. I still have my dreams. I think I am being led in the right direction. I guess I can say, I kind of know where I want to be, but I’m not ready to be there yet, and so I will just enjoy the journey, wherever it puts me.

Knocked Up is becoming

one of those movies I always watch when it’s on, regardless of where I pick it up at. My final cut rough draft presentation went well today. I was the first to volunteer to have it screened because I wanted to make sure I got feedback on it. I can’t believe it was already a week ago that I freaked out. This past week was so strange emotionally but I am happy to announce I’m back from the dead. Today on the way to school I was happy, that inside happiness I feel often. It was gone last week. I think it was a mixture of learning a new program (which always makes me anxious, just like high school math did), getting/having my period, and the feelings of  transition and rejection that come from not having a steel plated heart or a reliable man. Fortunately that’s all been remedied. I figured out Final Cut with the help of my Prof and God and Mick, my period is over so my hormone levels are back to SANE, and I’ve accepted where my life is romantically after allowing myself a week or two to become accustomed to the transition. Yes, all is well again. I have to write a paper now though, boring. But at least I know about it. I missed Melodrama 2 weeks ago and apparently he assigned a paper that was due today. I checked my e-mail today in Digi class and found out Melodrama was cancelled but we should “still e-mail the papers in”. Um.. papers? Oh, the assignment is sitting 2 weeks back in my school email and I completely missed it.

Anyway, or also really- Dave has moved. I will miss him but I feel a sense of.. freedom. Whenever people leave their lives change. Why can’t my life seem just as new and full of possibility? Anyway, him moving reminded me of how exciting life can be, so I have certainly stolen some of his freedom for myself.

More Time

So I have lots of free time, really. To do my homework. To clean my room. To do my laundry. To reflect. To work on writing. To sleep. To l0ve my Mom. To like, do everything. I spend 99 percent of that time doing none of those things though. I spend it in my room, or trying to find something to do, or spending money, or sleeping, or avoiding homework like it’s going to actually hurt. But my computer’s cord… well it’s been fraying. And I put tape on it. And yesterday it started sparking but fortunately it did not short out my computer. So I need to buy a new one. But until it comes in I am going to have more time to focus on things other than the intranetz. And in doing so I feel like I am going to be more productive! I remember one time my computer was at the doctor.. because of the screen or the fan or something… I was without it for a few days. Now I have plenty of computers in the house to use, but none to sit on my bed with for hours. So I went to bed earlier. I did shit. I felt like I had more time in my day. So I’m excited that my computer is out of commision for now. Along with that comes this project I have to work on. A ‘visual essay’- a movie. A film. I think it’ll come out well. I’m excited about school. Dammit I’m enjoying it kind of.

I’m very weary of my  money. Eh- weary isn’t right. I WOULD be stressed if it weren’t for my awesome mother. She is paying for what my TAG didn’t pay. She’s paying for my new health insurance that I have to get through school. She’s paying for my DEI fees. She helps me so much because all she wants is for me to “save. Save and finish school. Save so you have money for when you want to move out, or for when you’re ready to have a new car. Save save save.”
I really appreciate her because as she put it, “My mother had me hand my paychecks over to her. All I want is for you to keep yours.”
Since she is being so nice I should really take this opportunity to be responsible. I owe it to her. So instead of spending 100 bucks here or there on life obligations, whatever she spends on me I should match in my bank account. Yes, that’s a NOVEL idea.

And as a final note, last night I went to bed at 11:30. I woke up at 9! Not 9:50. Not 10:25. No I got up I should say at 9 (woke up at 8 but allowed myself to chill and sleep and relax). I had time to shower, do my hair (WHAAAT!?), stop by Meineke, get coffee and breakfast, print papers out and I was still at class on time. Let me tell you, going to bed early is the answer. I wasn’t tired in class today. I’m doing pretty well. I don’t look like a monster.

So that is why people don’t stay up until 3 AM. I geeett ittttt

Contented Sigh

We have absolutely everything we need now, except a visor for the windshield. And the car. But we’ll have that by tomorrow. Snacks and foodage, electronic things, hygienics.. it’s all sitting in my closet waiting. The cities have been picked. The order of the cities in place. The routes will be done city by city, but we can do that. We’re leaving Monday now instead of Sunday because we have been working everyday this past week and need 1 day of not working to pack and get all ready. So Monday 6 am we’ll be on the road and in Nashville by 8ish. I’m excited. I want this. And I have so much music downloading my computer might self destruct.. but we’re going to be good on music and I’m almost as excited about that as I am about the trip itself.

I’ll be writing. I have earplugs so I can sleep. We’ll be camping in so many national parks we’ll probably forget what a bed feels like. And money.. we have money. In fact we’ll probably be closer to our original goal than we thought.

And that issue I was talking about before- that guy.. it’s nothing. We’re going to remain friends and that’s better because in the long run even I know it shouldn’t work. I mean hello.. he’s even an Atheist. And the funny thing is lately he’s been mocking Christians around me which he’s never done before. I think it was God’s way of showing me I need to detour around that. I’m okay with that, I’d rather dodge 1000 bullets than get my heart unnecessarily broken even once.

I remember countless nights sitting in my backyard looking at the sky on an unusually warm night that had been surrounded with cold days and just fantasizing about the trip I am so close to taking. And it’s not running away- like it had been for a while when life felt suffocating. And it’s not a needed catharsis like it was when my mind was clouded. And it’s not a last ditch effort to thaw my writers block like it was when my creativity had been frozen over by the bitter winds of a shitty few months. No- this isn’t any of those things anymore. Now, I am content in my life. Now, I am pretty happy. Now, my friends are great. Now, the summer has been treating me well. Now, this trip is just something amazing to look forward to. I don’t have severe expectations of it saving me or healing me or anything like that. It’s just nurturing. It’s beautiful. It’s awesome and exciting  and scary and it’s only 4 days away.

Someday dreams to one day dreams to tomorrow to today.

Legs of rubber.. Legs of STEEL

I haven’t updated in a while but I wasn’t in a place to update. But lately I’ve started to thaw a bit. My creativity is coming back. My long stint with writers block seems to be thawing and my life is feeling a lot more balanced. I’m happier. They say to have true balance you need to be emotionally, spiritually and physically in the same place. But for so long I’ve been too little on one thing or too focused on another, and my balance was off kilter. Lately though I’m feeling better. Standing up for myself has helped me to become emotionally more balanced, instead of letting myself feel walked over or under appreciated. This running at the reservoir has really balanced me physically. It is a catharsis. It keeps me from spending all day in my room before work. It makes me active. And with hopes of losing more weight, it gives me incentive. I enjoy it.

At first we speed walked three miles. The next day we speed walked 4 miles. The next day we speed walked/jogged five miles. Then today we speed walked two miles and jogged two miles. Depending on what time we wake up and what time we work, the mileage shifts, but we will always have time to do at least 4 miles. Now we’re going to try to alternate every mile between speed walking and jogging. Initially it’ll be 1)walk 2)jog 3)walk 4)jog 5)walk. Then we’ll switch to 1)jog 2)walk 3)jog) 4)walk 5)jog. After jogging or running 3 miles becomes easier, we’ll slowly transition into 1)jog 2)jog 3)walk 4)jog 5)jog. Obviously the goal is to be able to run 5 miles at a decent pace without dying. That’s going to take some time, but it’s a goal to have. I look forward to it and enjoy it. We are taking tomorrow off though because after 4 or 5 days of doing this every day, we need to let our muscles rest. Also, we have to get fingerprinted tomorrow and I don’t have time to do both.

Spiritually, I’ve stopped stressing over it. the more I stressed about how unworthy I was and the more I recognized ALLL the changes I needed to make, the less I would do because I was overwhelmed. I love God, God loves me, and gradual changes in time will be made and eventually I’ll get to wherever God wants me to be.. and then I’ll have to progress further. It’s a journey, NOT  a destination. So I’m just enjoying it.

I want to buy the patch. Quitting would be great, because as I was running today I could feel the smoking in me. At one point my heart was on fire.

I’ve been looking for something of intrinsic value. Something that made my life more than just what it was. By cutting back drastically on my spending, not going out to eat, cooking with Brittany, going to the reservoir and working more I feel like the time I do have off is cherished. I’m not completely lazy anymore. I feel like I’m balanced. And this road trip, though a huge leap of faith, will top it off. It at times felt more like a burden. Here I am saving all this money.. I could go shopping and get my hair done and go tanning! And feel so good. But I think of all the nights I sat outside smoking, daydreaming about this trip.. I owe it to myself. And once I go, I’ll be so glad I did.

I just pray Lord that you bless this trip and this Summer. I pray that you help us to save the money we need to save and that you keep us safe. Be with us and guard us and guide us. I love you Lord and I thank you for all the beautiful and wonderful things in my life. I am sorry for my shortcomings God. I just want to make you proud. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Continue to be with me as I navigate life. Thank you Lord. Amen.

Take Back the Night and the raffle

So on Thursday I left class ten minutes early. It was dull, I just wanted out. I thought we were done, packed my stuff up, and then realized there was ten minutes left and he was going over another poem. So I bounced. I knew Take Back the Night was doing a march on campus that day, but it started at 6:30 and I had class. When I left it was just before 9 and figured it was over. I heard them march past our classroom, screaming some chant about ending domestic violence, and as their voices faded away I figured that was it. But as I was walking down College Ave I came across a group of about 30 or 50 people surrounding a microphone. A girl was giving a spoken word about being raped, and I stopped to listen. Actually, I jolted to a stop. The next person went and I listened intently and began to get tears in my eyes. It was really emotional for me. A few more people went, some talked about rape, others about domestic violence, and I felt myself saying, “You have to go up there.” I knew I’d be so disappointed in myself if I didn’t. After seeing there wasn’t a line or a list or a roster, I crept up to the front of the crowd. A girl stepped down and the mic was open, and no one went up. All of a sudden I just dropped my bags and walked up to the mic. I was so nervous, and I looked at the crowd on the busiest street in school, standing at the microphone, and just opened my mouth and said, “Three years ago I was raped,” then I took a moment and felt myself wanting to cry so I followed with, “And if I start crying it’s not out of weakness but because the fact that I can stand up here and say that to all of you shows how far I’ve come.” Then, to my surprise, people started clapping and cheering, and I took that moment to recollect myself. I went on to tell the story, the aftermath, the people saying “it was fucked up but it wasn’t rape.” I explained how I had to see him continuously after that, how he ate lunch with Shari and I. I told them about telling my mom and how for so long I had no voice. But then I explained how I started talking about it- to my class, to my family. And I explained that the moment you stand up on your feet and find your voice again is the moment you begin taking back the night.

Afterward I was really emotional. I was shaking and crying, so I called Rachel and cried pretty hard. Then I called my mom and cried some more. It wasn’t an immediate catharsis like I imagined it would be. Instead it made me realize that I’ve never dealt with it. If hearing those other girl’s stories could make me cry then there is still scarring on my heart that needs to be addressed. Also, if I cried so hard after telling my story then there is definitely scarring I need to address. It’s just that I still tell myself it wasn’t rape. But I said no, and I’ve been so affected by it that I can’t deny it. I owe it to myself to say, “yes I was raped, and yes I am affected, and no it wasn’t okay!” But my question is, if you heal from it, do you forget it? Does that mean you’re over it? Does that make it okay? It doesn’t I guess, but I think I want to be mad at him. I told Rachel shortly after it happened that I genuinely forgive him, but I don’t! I don’t. And he never had any repercussions so I feel like by holding on to it he isn’t getting away with it. I guess if I healed and forgave him completely I’d feel like he really got away with it. And since it’s way too late to report it, by letting it stay within me I’m keeping him from getting off totally scotch free. But why should I have to be the one to pay the price for him? If he can go on with his life, I deserve to go on with mine. And though he never suffered any legal or worldly consequences, my faith is that he will or has suffered consequences that I just can’t see. I think I should go to a counselor and talk about it, in order to start the healing. I firmly believe in counselors, I think they are so beneficial and help you to realize things you can’t realize on your own. Or at least things that would be supremely difficult to realize on your own. Maybe I’ll do that next semester… go to the school counselors that is. But, never the less, speaking in Take Back the Night was a life goal of mine and I’m so proud of myself for getting up there.. completely alone.. no one in the crowd who knew me or to support me.. and telling what happened. Proud of myself for admitting it out loud. Maybe it helped some one, but even if it didn’t, it at least helped me to realize I still have healing to do.

In other news, last night a bunch of us went to the Chapter House because it was Anjel’s 23rd birthday. They were holding a raffle for a 3 day 2 night stay at a hotel in whatever state you chose. I told John that if he won he should take me and that if I won I’d take him. I don’t know why I said that, maybe because we were splitting so many tickets. They were free and Haas was bar tending and she gave us a huge pile of tickets. I ended up winning! So we picked Myrtle Beach because Katie and Tim live out there. We could hang out with them without putting them out, go to the bars, see Vinny. It’s going to be fun. Alana and Bobby might go to SC that weekend too and stay with KT and Tim. If we get 2 beds Brittany can come too and maybe even Kari if she can get off from work. We’re planning on going in August.

Tomorrow is going to be beautiful and we’re having a BBQ at Maureen’s. It’s going to be so nice and maybe I’ll even get some color! I should wear shorts to be sure.

I am totally cool with:

1) getting to this page through other pages because I’m too lazy to type wordpress.com into my address bar
2) friday nights being spent at Chilis, because I have great ppl working friday nights, and I still get to have a drink
3) me and nic gossiping together, and everyone accusing us of being luvahs because we spend a lot of time whispering
4) employees smacking my ass
5) my bosses touching my sides
6) letting all my emotional wounds go public. Letting people know how I really feel is like dropping my burdens off to the salvation army. It’s wonderful
7) being a dick sometimes
8) crushing on past crushes
9) getting cut when I have an empty section
10) sleeping alone
11) my dreams taking on a life of their own. Whatrya gunna do?
12) comedy central
13) Josh testing out my trust with secrets ranging from 1-10 on the severeness level. I’m at level 4(?) and I don’t want to get to 5!
14) not saying shit about phil and jackie
15) knowing so many secrets!
16) my scumbag boss hooking up with 17 year old girls, because hes better than previous managers (srsly)
17) people telling me how skinny I am lately
18) my highschool girlfriends calling me lately

Strong!

I feel a lot better. Let there be shit. I’m over it. I’m beyond it. Besides, I’m better than it.

Maybe my confidence has been a bust for a while. To be candid, maybe I haven’t allowed myself to have anything to be put on the list. But it’s a work in progress, it always is, and just like back in 06, it’s a work but there is progress. I’m always working on this strength, and I always come out on top.

And I don’t lie to myself about it. Which is always the difference that matters in the end.

And I have writing. I will never lose it. And I am good at it. I’m good at something at least. My life is only beginning.

Thank God for God, my friends, and the things that fate throws at you. Good night.

Quitting is Fun

First off, reading gossip blogs is not like ‘my thing’. But at night, sometimes, when I don’t have much standing between myself and sleep, I’ll read them. Too much. This has a literal side effect. If I read a gossip blog too much at night before bed, I can’t fall asleep because my mind is racing. I suppose from scanning so many articles, and moving from story to story so quickly, my mind is all high strung. And as I begin to drift to sleep I picture celebrity things, as in like either I am a celebrity or I’m reporting on celebrities. And everything is so fast and invasive. It’ terrible! It makes it so I stay up too long and then it makes my sleep very restless as I continually wake up.

My throat is hurting today. My announcement was that I am quitting smoking. Friday I had 2. Saturday I had 1. Sunday I had 1. Yesterday I was going to have zero, but then I smoked some. Terrible idea. So today I will have zero then. Whats the difference this time? Well my bronchitis is probably directly, or at the least indirectly, related to smoking. No doubt it was simmering in me and smoking made it worse. I just hit a point where I feel I’m done. I’m ready to be smoke free. Why have I been smoking then? To curb the cravings for the first few days. But now I”m done. No more, especially since I had a few last night. Its very freeing. Driving without a cigarette isn’t as hard as I expected. Instead I love it. When I smoked, I would not even want a cigarette at times, but would smoke it anyway just because it was there. I’d smoke and smoke and smoke until I didn’t feel well. Smoking was no longer a choice. I was in complete bondage to it. I’m ready to break free from it.
Also, God is calling me to change. This is one thing he wanted me to change. So initially I started thinking about it because of God, and I started cutting back on Friday. Then I got sick and the whole concept was reinforced. I’m not really having any serious cravings. The one cigarette a day is probably helping with that. And if I am sweaty or feeling ill from it, I don’t realize because I’m sweaty and ill already. I haven’t freaked out at all though, because I wont let myself. I see that as my one big mistake the other times I’ve tried to quit.
Quitting is not just the absence of a cigarette from your lips. It’s incredibly mental. When I begin to feel flustered, I tell myself “Calm down.” Otherwise, I would get flustered, and then upon realizing I couldn’t have the one thing I’ve leaned on for the past 3 years every time I felt frustrated, would wile out. I have cried, pouted, begged- and most commonly, given in and bought cigarettes. But this time I realize that I am going to be frustrated and flustered in life. Cigarettes never made everything better, they just relaxed me. I need to learn to relax using other methods.
Not to mention the benefits of saving money, not dieing, not smelling, and my car not being disgusting, my mom not being on my case anymore and realizing that I have the strength and willpower to do it when I for so long thought I couldn’t. I’ve been waiting for the day I was going to quit, and this is it. Reaaaaaallly! And why? Because I’m not being forced to and I don’t feel trapped- this is what I want to do. And thank you God for helping me. I couldn’t do this without you. I’ve prayed for years that you would just really help me quit. You are really really helping! It’s great, and so much easier than if I were to do it on my own.

I’m sick as anything still. I shouldnt have gone out last night. But I was smart enough not to drink. I was thinking of getting a doctors note for class today, but I should really just go.

Now, To Actually Do It..

I figured it out today. I had a long conversation with myself, which was also with God. Prompted by my dissatisfaction lately. I went full into it. Where I am, where I want to be, why I want to do the things I want to do, what that requires, and how it all boils down to me becoming who God wants me to be, and the fact that I know I’m not there yet due to the unquenchable longing still sitting in my heart. Which won’t be quenched until I learn to sacrifice for God. “Where’s the change?” That whole thing. Where IS the change in me? Yeah I’ve been Christian for a long time, my entire life was centered around God. So it’s like, there is no dramatic change because I’ve always tried to do what I’ve always known I was supposed to do. But change is still required. And so I need to pinpoint where. Especially because for the past few months I’ve felt this relationship I have is very one sided, and it’s ME weighing it down. It makes so much sense now. THATS what God’s been saying. He does all for me, but I am not doing anything for Him. Duh duh duh.

After talking with God I feel better because I feel like I have it figured out somewhat. And none of this had to do with careers or anything. It was all about personal life struggles. How grateful I am to have God. Otherwise, I don’t know how people deal with life.

Okay, onward.