So I love the internet. I think I belong doing a job that requires me to be in front of a computer, doing stuff like internety, or using a program I find “hip”, in a trendy setting, for 8 hours, surrounded by guys in ironic t-shirts and old man sweaters with beards and glasses.. and some skinny broads I secretly hate but also don’t envy because their hipster dresses are quite ugly. Yes, this is where I want to be. I would stick out like a sore thumb, but you know, I’d adapt.
Category Archives: someday
godlike
I hesitate to write things in here at times because I sense that I feel like I get it off my chest, and then I don’t do anything with it. Like this is a vault filled with really good ideas.. if only I ever did anything with them other than jotting them down. But, I am tired of being my own god.
Listen, I do whatever I want and I have some moral gauge but I kind of ignore it constantly. I’m like queen of the moment. It’s getting old. Actually, it’s gotten old. I’m tired of being the ruler of my own life. I’m ready to let God take his position back. With that comes work and it’s that very work that has so often kept me from doing what I know I have to do eventually- give up the reigns and live better. I know the fulfillment you get when you live a life that is designed by God . I feel like selfish reasons guide my interest in getting back to God- I’LL be happier. I’LL be more fulfilled. I’LL skip hell. You know.. that stuff. But the truth is I miss it and it’s a huge part of me and a huge part of why I haven’t been fulfilled in so long. Also, that selflessness I lack comes in time.
The very fact that loneliness is any type of reason behind anything in my life is just proof of where I am and where I should be. I gotta admit I am lonely (boohoo). But the temporary relief I’ve been chasing after no longer relieves much at all. In fact, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, because either way I’m not left fulfilled.
I think I’m ready to find the true me. That WOMAN I’ve talked about.. that SOMEDAY WOMAN.. that person I see myself being when I’m “grown up”… well she isn’t going to appear out of nowhere. It’s not like I’ll turn 30 and suddenly be spiritually fulfilled and in tune and on track. My relationship with God is a very special one. We really do have a relationship and the communication has never ceased.. ever. I constantly every day feel Him. His presence is so obvious to me. I always feel it. Unfortunately, lately there hasn’t been much conversation. It’s been more Him whispering to me and me turning my radio up higher, you know?
But for what? Look at me in control here, what has it gotten me? Well, I’m alive and well and I laugh a lot and have fun a lot and my friends are good friends and I enjoy them. But other than that, I am not fulfilled. It’s funny, because I try to find purpose in my day-to-day tasks, yet I have no REAL purpose day to day.
Regardless of whatever that means, I love God and I feel so lucky to know Him. I am ready to let go of my stereotypes and just follow my faith and reconstruct my relationship. I mean all those things I used to hate about Christianity.. those are the flaws of individuals. I can’t judge them for their flaws nor can I allow them to keep me from actually living the life I’m supposed to. If I do that, I’m the sucker. I’m the one suffering.
Faith. The reason I am “lonely” (boohoox2) is because I have lost my faith. I used to never worry about relationships because I just KNEW in time God would bring me to whoever and until then I would just live a good life and do all the other things I want to do. But as I started to compromise myself and stopped cutting things off when God told me to (like I used to do so fervently in the past) I started to lose my belief that it would all work out. Its so foreign to me, to worry. And once I really recognized that I was holding on to whatever I could in order to keep from the realization that I am actually single (this is the first time I’ve felt single in the last 2.5 years) I realized that something has changed in me. And that change is a negative one. So now I’m ready to face my fears sort of speak.
I love life and it is so beautiful. I want to be beautiful again. Washed and clean and anew. You know, the real me. The me that I don’t know but who has been dormant and patiently waiting. Blech, this talk. I know what I’m saying. I dont really have that many regrets, it’s not like I was whoring it up and doing lines off of the bathroom floor at McDonald’s. But there is so much more in store and in the end, I’m just selling myself short. Screw that.
I’m coming back.
proof number 349234598340584842 that God exists: After my post yesterday I went downstairs and Mick had fixed the drive issues completely. I then worked on final cut and after a few emails back and forth with my professor and some tinkering I got it all working. So Sunday shouldn’t be hell. Thank you God. And on top of that I AM learning final cut, which is awesome.
So I had a dream last night> I was in this office and all the guys were interested in me and there was this one guy who I knew was going to ask for my number. So just as I was leaving he got some paper out and I went to give him my number but instead he gave me his. So I got his number and just then one of the guys went to walk me out. He wasn’t the most attractive guy there (the guy who gave me his number was the attractive one). However it was like a magnetic force was pulling us together. He was so confident, didnt care that I just got some guys number. It was as if he knew he was supposed to be with me and I him. The connection between us was so strong that as we were walking (remember we had just met) our hands kept coming together. He said, “wow.” He walked me outside and was walking me to my car, I told him it was pretty far away, but he kept walking with me. It was instant chemistry. We stopped at his house (which was on the way to my car apparently) and hung out. It was as if we had always known one another. That guy who gave me his number was less than a distant memory- he didn’t even exist.
I feel like that’s how it’s going to actually be. Just instant comfort, instant chemistry, magnetism, and every one else will be forgotten. They wont matter anymore.
It put things into perspective a bit. Anyway, I just wanted to remember that dream.
Happy Halloween
Today I Am Depressed
It all started in my Digital Media class, we have to make a presentation on Keynote instead of powerpoint. I don’t use Apple. I don’t know how to use a Mac. And regardless of how “user-friendly” it is, I don’t get it. And I became overwhelmed. Exasperated. Exhausted. Enraged.
So, I finally leave there and I got grumpier with each step I took. I know now what I want to do. I am moving west the day I graduate. Maybe not the day.. but see…
I always envisioned the road trip as the be all and end all. It was my goal. And now it’s done. And so I have been wondering what I would want to do next, but since that spark.. that burning neeeeed to leave had been fulfilled, it wasn’t really that high on my list of concerns. Until suddenly, the spark has been reignited. I’ve been home for barely over a month and already that damn spark is back. Oh passion. Anyway after thinking about it I decided something. My mom was saying that since I don’t need to start paying back my loans until 6 month after I graduate, I should use that time to travel. I was fully expecting myself to do Teach for America for a year. But I don’t think I want to anymore. I decided that since Brittany is going to be in school for 2 years more after I graduate (including her masters.. damn girl making me look bad) I can’t just wait around for her. Yes we have plans to move outta here together, but I don’t want to just get a job in the city with Adam while I wait for her. Because 2 years of that will change me, and I’ll see my benefits and my security and my promotions and I’ll be locked in. I’ll miss out on my dreams. I don’t want that. Not yet. So, I am going to move by myself. Just me. To a city where I don’t know anyone. And I’m just going to live there. I’ll have a little porch maybe and grass and I’ll sit outside with a sweatshirt and a drink, my music playing, and I’ll breathe in the crisp mountainous air and I’ll be content.
You see, the writer in me has more than emerged. It is taking over. I can’t stop daydreaming. I can’t stop doodling. My notebooks look like that of a child with ADD. I can’t stop writing little poems or ridiculous nothings. Nothing substantial.. the creativity is just oozing though. And being away and somewhere new will enhance that. I’m not fighting it anymore. I might even be going crazy. But that’s a good thing. The best writing comes out of my craziness.
And so, where will I move? I’m not sure yet. I liked Denver. I liked Portland too. I could move to a surrounding area by one of those two cities. But you know, the Portland thing probably won’t happen. But it’s a year or a year and a half away, so I’m sure that if anyone I know is moving to Portland they’ll do it by then. Otherwise.. I’m going where I want to go.
And soon.. I am just going to go.
And I’ve also realized why we perpetuated our mistakes for so long. We needed reminders as to why it was doomed. We’re very forgetful.
I am even forgetful at times still.
Regardless, I want to be by the Pacific, but I want it to be overcast and gray and beautiful, and springy/fallish. I want to see the huge waves crash on dark rocks with heavy fog as its backdrop. And that my friends is the pacific northwest.
But maybe I”ll settle for the Rockies in the distance.
I don’t know yet.
I feel better.
Contented Sigh
We have absolutely everything we need now, except a visor for the windshield. And the car. But we’ll have that by tomorrow. Snacks and foodage, electronic things, hygienics.. it’s all sitting in my closet waiting. The cities have been picked. The order of the cities in place. The routes will be done city by city, but we can do that. We’re leaving Monday now instead of Sunday because we have been working everyday this past week and need 1 day of not working to pack and get all ready. So Monday 6 am we’ll be on the road and in Nashville by 8ish. I’m excited. I want this. And I have so much music downloading my computer might self destruct.. but we’re going to be good on music and I’m almost as excited about that as I am about the trip itself.
I’ll be writing. I have earplugs so I can sleep. We’ll be camping in so many national parks we’ll probably forget what a bed feels like. And money.. we have money. In fact we’ll probably be closer to our original goal than we thought.
And that issue I was talking about before- that guy.. it’s nothing. We’re going to remain friends and that’s better because in the long run even I know it shouldn’t work. I mean hello.. he’s even an Atheist. And the funny thing is lately he’s been mocking Christians around me which he’s never done before. I think it was God’s way of showing me I need to detour around that. I’m okay with that, I’d rather dodge 1000 bullets than get my heart unnecessarily broken even once.
I remember countless nights sitting in my backyard looking at the sky on an unusually warm night that had been surrounded with cold days and just fantasizing about the trip I am so close to taking. And it’s not running away- like it had been for a while when life felt suffocating. And it’s not a needed catharsis like it was when my mind was clouded. And it’s not a last ditch effort to thaw my writers block like it was when my creativity had been frozen over by the bitter winds of a shitty few months. No- this isn’t any of those things anymore. Now, I am content in my life. Now, I am pretty happy. Now, my friends are great. Now, the summer has been treating me well. Now, this trip is just something amazing to look forward to. I don’t have severe expectations of it saving me or healing me or anything like that. It’s just nurturing. It’s beautiful. It’s awesome and exciting and scary and it’s only 4 days away.
Someday dreams to one day dreams to tomorrow to today.
Daydreams
Lately I’ve been daydreaming. I live on my own, in a little house with what looks like antique furniture. Everything is fresh. Cross breeze makes it way from open window to open window. White linens, fresh pale purple flowers. A kitten named Lola. I’m not in New Jersey. I’m in Virginia or Louisiana or somewhere else that I’ve never spent any time in. I live in a small town, and can walk to work. Downtown is only a ten minute walk, and I work in an office as an editor for a website. They write articles about different trends in business, demographics, whats being made and what’s actually being sold. I don’t write but I just gave my boss a few articles and he really liked them. If he took me on as a writer too, I’d get a good raise. I’m fully confident. I throw clothes on and feel beautiful. The breeze makes me so content. And after work, I walk home and light candles and eat dinner at my kitchen table, or outside on the back table. It’s simple and quaint and lovely. Strikingly old fashioned, unfamiliar… and perfect. I don’t know how long I’ll be there, I’ve stopped thinking about the future. I’m content where I’m at, and nothing else matters.
After I graduate, I hope to find true peace. I don’t want to work for a business in the city. I don’t want to stay in NJ. Ideally I want to find a nice little town that is nothing like here but has everything I need.
Sigh… how wonderful.
Let’s Talk About
being crazy. Which I totally am, sometimes.
If left on it’s own, my brain will flow into weird places and kind of get stuck there. And then I’ll switch to autopilot and continue in my same monotonous self-destructive tasks until all of a sudden (if I’m lucky) a moment of clarity will emerge and I’ll be like “Oh yeah, wait.. what am I doing this for? I’m beyond this.” And then I’ll stop. I become a robot fueled on boredom.
It all results from boredom. It’s true. And why am I bored? Because I let myself be incredibly lazy at times. And why do I let myself be lazy? Because I have no idea what I want to do! Ever.
There’s a study that says basically, the brain can’t predict emotional responses to things that haven’t happened yet. In other words, there’s no true way to know what will bring you the feelings youre craving, so there’s no way you can know what you want. Because your brain literally cant process what will give you the feelings you’re looking for. Yes you can guess- like “hmm maybe if I was driving on an open road that restlessness would leave” but theres no real way to know that. So, because it’s impossible to know what you want, you really just have to go with the flow. And thats what I’m doing. Im riding this life out right now. I’m fucking, existing.
Let’s be real. I’m on the crest of a ‘new day’ if you want to call it that. Or, I’m in the new day. I’d rather be on the crest of a new day because that means I haven’t stumbled into it yet. But most likely, this is the new day. The beginning part of it anyway. The blended part. The part where the old day is turning into the new day, that shady part.. thats where I am.
So, it’s kind of a restless state. I can see perfectly all that I’m leaving behind, but I can’t see an inch into the future. Not at all. Let’s hope I’m blinded by the brightness of my future, but who knows. Regardless, I do feel restless. Like.. there was all this excitement (“You women love the drama”) and now there isn’t excitement. There’s responsibility, a lot of responsibility. But that isn’t excitement. And so, full circle, out comes the crazy. Resorting to the old things that gave me excitement. Ridiculous!
Mainly I’m not fulfilled. But how could I be? I dream of warmer states and places where I’m a stranger. Meanwhile, I commute to Rutgers 4 days a week from the town I’ve lived in for 11 years and work at the same restaurant I’ve been at for nearly 3 years. I’m not a stranger. The servers at The Court Jester KNOW me, because I’m a regular. Haha. See, I’m a townee I guess. And I will be, until I graduate. Which is good, because at least there’s an end to this road. It’s not like I’m stuck here forever. It’s not like I’ve graduated and am still here for lack of other options. Anyway- it’s not a big deal.
I’m happy with my overall life.
I just happen to have dreams that I need to be fulfilled. Eventually. I am dissatisfied (at times) and restless (at times). That is why I sometimes feel crazy. In reality, I’m just chillin, working on school, and planning the things I will do when the opportunity arises.
The moral of this story is: Patience. I need it. I have patience usually. Just some moments I get exasperated.
And God is great. I mean, He is always there, helping me along. Chillin me out. Loving me. Giving me hope.
But sometimes I feel myself getting annoyed at being so ‘faithful’ and I’m like “Hey! I need something over here! Throw me a line already!” But I need to remember that if I continue being patient, and following Him, all will make sense eventually. My dreams will come true, I will finish school, I’ll get the adventure and excitement back (only this time it will be healthier and fulfilling) and everything will be done as He wants it, so then everything will be far more fulfilling than if I had done it on my own.
See, that makes me feel better.
Thank God I’m going to England in May! I really, really need a trip to somewhere new.
Wonderings
Last night my fingernail came off. My thumb now looks like a terrible burn victim. Which reminds me of a time I was watching a talk show and making fun of the weird looking people, until I realized they were all burn victims. Then I felt slightly dickish, but only slightly because hey- how was I supposed to know?
Some constants: Jon Stewart making me laugh and reminding me of my friend, the Janitor from Scrubs making me laugh (premiered last night on ABC- two episodes fool. Janitor was fired, but for how long?!), wine cravings once in a while, and sudden weight loss on my part for no reason at all (no worries, it all comes back). Also a constant, pregnancy scares. Let’s talk about it.
I thought for sure I was pregnant like 100 times. The best thing about being single is never being scared youre pregnant. If I was pregnant or had become pregnant anytime in the last 22 years of my life, ugh I don’t really even want to think about it.
Lastly, I considered starting a book yesterday. But I don’t know what I want to write about. I’m thankful I do this everyday pretty much because it’s some type of writing. I’ve taken a sabbatical from fiction and now I’m also taking a sabbatical from poetry. But when I do this, I just kind of write whatever comes to mind, which is good. What do they call that? Free writing or something.
OH also, I think I might minor in Spanish. I think that there is something in my calling that has to do with reaching out to migrant workers or spanish speaking citizens. Whether they’re legal or not, they are made of the same flesh we are. And I can’t imagine a life where I would have to go to a country where I don’t speak the language and live there for a few years away from my family and friends, just so I could make enough money to send back home. Because this lonely existence of working 2 jobs every day is better than the conditions at home, and I am responsible for providing for my family. Yeah, I can’t imagine that, but for these guys it’s their everyday. And I’m saying, if I can even make them a little happy when they’re at work then I’m content. I know they’re sad and miss their homes, so I want them to at least be treated humanely while they’re here. I wonder if one day maybe I could work for some type of non profit that fights for the rights of immigrants.
The Recap I Always Do
Alright, how should I write this.
The year started off beautifully. New York, in love, champagne, surrounded by my boyfriend’s friends, all of whom I liked. At that time, it was the perfect beginning of my year.
The year will end surrounded by my friends, mixed drinks, karaoke, food, and all the New Year’s kisses I can reach for. At this time, that is perfect.
Everything that has happened in between is a blur of sorts. My biggest accomplishment was school, seeing as I finally finished Brookdale and was accepted into Rutgers. This was a goal of mine (to finish and find a new school). At times, it really stressed me out. I remember crying in the library, so unsure of where I even wanted to go. But I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I wanted to also be with Joe, so I was considering places in other states when in actuality, Jersey is best for me right now. I did, also, realize that when in a new place you appreciate things about it that the locals take for granted. So put those rose colored glasses on when you’re here, at home. You’ll find a lot of beauty.
I didn’t do everything I had hoped to do this year. I didn’t pay off my credit card, but I’m so close it’s going to be done before I know it. I didn’t quit smoking either. And I never visited Shari. But a few things didn’t happen that I’m fortunate for. My mom didn’t move. I didn’t have to get my own place. I did, however, learn more Spanish. If 2007 was the year of business, and 2008 was the year of intellect (that’s how I worded it last year, and I’m always right) then what can I brand 2009?
2008 held change for me yes, but it was more a preparatory year. I had to finish up with the loose ends of Brookdale. In that time, I was indecisive and at times crazy but overall, I did what I had to do. So I was in love, and then I wasn’t. I had my friends, and then some of them weren’t my friends so much anymore. I think 2008 was a year that held a lot of intrinsic value. I became more confident and did what I wanted, because I stopped caring about the opinions of others. Sometimes this worked against me, but I don’t mind. I also allowed myself to live off of emotions for a bit, which is always beautiful, though also always retarded. By the end of 2008 I was very thankful to God. He has done a lot for me, and recently has been reaching out to me. I learned more about God this year than I have in a long time.
So, 2009.. where would I like to see you? 2009 just may be the year of adventure. Oh, that’s exciting.
Adventures include: New school, internships!, England, possible road trip with Sharkey..
I think just the fact that my future is coming into focus makes me excited. I really am anxious to get my hands on this English major. I am really glad that I’m following my gut doing what makes the most sense. So my goals for 2009.. I’d like to stop procrastinating and gossiping, I’d like to pay my credit card, go the gym, and I’d like to be content with myself. Physically and internally. Also, I struggle with my writing identity, so I’d like to find it. And lastly, I’d like to earn really good grades because this is my last chance at a super fly GPA, and I’d like to intern.
Why are these things an adventure? Because it’s new, uncharted territory for me.. it’s exciting terrain I’ve yet to explore.
Good bye 2008. I feel like 2009 is going to take me out of my comfort zone, and I think I’m going to be kind of an adult by the end of it (kind of). We’ll see. Here’s to the unknown, by far one of my favorite aspects of life.
1)I saw Demetri Martin’s indifferent graffiti, “Toy Story 2 was okay!”, in a New York bathroom,
2) I got a B+ in my winter class.
3) I went to Florida.
4) I convinced far too many people that I was engaged.
5) He surprised me in the mall
6) I had a valentine
7) I spent Valentines day in Philly
8) Lost
9) Joes emotion fueled drive to Jersey
10) Mark got knocked up and I promised to never call him again
11) I bought rollerblades
12) Joe graduated and is finally moving back
13) I played in a poker tournament and wasn’t first out
14) Snoop Dogg watched me dance
15) I talked to the lead singer of Bouncing Souls and he looks a lot older than I expected
16) I got a guitar pick from mxpx.. and gave it to Joe
17) I got all A’s and B’s in the six classes I took in the Spring
18) Mamma got her degree
19) Britt moved back home for good!
20) I saw the spill canvas again
21) I saw Jaime
22) Me and Joe broke up
23) My friends came through
24) rock climbing
25) I started bartending
26) beautiful sunday
27) Went to one of dad’s softball games
28) Saw Barbie and Ken
29) I finally found a new church and started going regularly
30) Having insurance on my electronics paid off twice
31) I saw rainbows. Even a double rainbow. I never see rainbows.
32) I saw the best fireworks in my life, and I always hate fireworks.
33) I met Gavin Schmidt
34) I was able to see Brie and Andrew again
35) I raised my GPA by a higher percent than initially goaled for
36) I saved money!
37) Joe and I tried again, but it didn’t work
38) I bought NutriSystem and lost weight
39) I saw Against Me!
40) I started boxing and kick boxing
41) I made my first Craigslist purchase
42) I got into Rowan
43) I got into Rutgers!!
44) Got in touch with Chris Lezcano
45) Reacquainted with my cousin Andrew
46) Reacquainted with Aubrey and Chelsea.
47) Saw the tree in NYC. I don’t know if I have ever done that.. maybe once.
48) Lost the $100 bet to Josh
49) Hung out with old high-school friends on their 21st’s
50) Had an amazing Christmas
51) Did a secret santa, actually gave a gift this year
52) Bought a gift for my last year’s secret santa, to make up for not getting one for her last year
53) Saw Robert Randolph and the Family Band
54) Became much closer with Kari
55) Had a last festivus at Josh’s, which we all needed
56) and I never mentioned my date with Jesus haha
Love Is A Mushroom, Stuffed
Hi hi hi.
So, you know what I decided? Next time I’m up for love, I’m not making any rules. “you can’t love me yet” “blah blah blah” what we’re supposed to do, shouldn’t do, is this normal, I’m scared. all that bull shit.
I want to passionately pursue love and jump in head first. That’s what’s been reborn in me. I’m not scared of anything anymore. I suppose what’s the absolute worst that can happen? The worst is that you don’t ever pursue it and then you never know. I’d rather it all fall apart than wonder what could have happened. You’d think that I would be bitter or timid or guarded but I’m not. I mean what is there to be guarded over at this point? My heart has broken a few times, and each and every time I have moved on, learned some things, and continued living. I mean obviously sometimes it was hard, I remember with every boyfriend I’ve had different key moments when things were hard. But you do get over it. And why? Because when you’ve given everything, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt whether it’s meant to be or not. If you give parts of yourself only and allow the rest of you to be guarded, you won’t know for certain whether it’s meant to be or not. So you’ll be hung up on them long after it should have ended. But when you throw caution to the wind sort of speak, love with all you have and submerse yourself in it.. you’ll know. So if it ends, it’s okay because you know that’s best. It’s like.. if you take a tiny bite of stuffed mushrooms you don’t get the entire full effect of it. You might taste the crab, or the mushroom, but you won’t taste all of it so you won’t know whether or not you really like it. Youll just be like “YUCK”. However, if you eat the whole thing..just shove it in your mouth.. you will be engulfed by the taste of it, the consistency, the blending of the spinach and the cream and the mushroom.. and you’ll know beyond a shadow of a doubt whether or not youll ever eat that again. That’s love. Do it all the way and you’ll get your answers. And you won’t regret anything. And, if it’s not meant, you truly have that closure.
So, I guess that’s it. Im willing to Live passionately.. love passionately.. and also, let everyone love their own way. I won’t judge others relationships anymore.
I think because I am so loved, I want to love. I am loved fully, so I want to love fully. God had placed this joy in my heart lately and I am so blessed by it. I’m eager, happy and some what bursting. My heart is bursting with stuffed mushrooms I guess.
