I just wrote a paper on this.
#truth
Category Archives: school stress
Knocked Up is becoming
one of those movies I always watch when it’s on, regardless of where I pick it up at. My final cut rough draft presentation went well today. I was the first to volunteer to have it screened because I wanted to make sure I got feedback on it. I can’t believe it was already a week ago that I freaked out. This past week was so strange emotionally but I am happy to announce I’m back from the dead. Today on the way to school I was happy, that inside happiness I feel often. It was gone last week. I think it was a mixture of learning a new program (which always makes me anxious, just like high school math did), getting/having my period, and the feelings of transition and rejection that come from not having a steel plated heart or a reliable man. Fortunately that’s all been remedied. I figured out Final Cut with the help of my Prof and God and Mick, my period is over so my hormone levels are back to SANE, and I’ve accepted where my life is romantically after allowing myself a week or two to become accustomed to the transition. Yes, all is well again. I have to write a paper now though, boring. But at least I know about it. I missed Melodrama 2 weeks ago and apparently he assigned a paper that was due today. I checked my e-mail today in Digi class and found out Melodrama was cancelled but we should “still e-mail the papers in”. Um.. papers? Oh, the assignment is sitting 2 weeks back in my school email and I completely missed it.
Anyway, or also really- Dave has moved. I will miss him but I feel a sense of.. freedom. Whenever people leave their lives change. Why can’t my life seem just as new and full of possibility? Anyway, him moving reminded me of how exciting life can be, so I have certainly stolen some of his freedom for myself.
Nothing Much
I’ve been trying to watch my caloric intake lately, and thus had a dream last night that I weighed 149. I was very upset about it.
My mom has the flu. I have no insurance. I pray I don’t get it.
I am still full from Johnny Rockets 16 hours ago. I didn’t stuff my face but that place just.. ugh. But you have to be a true American and have a burger, chili cheese fries and a shake. So maybe I did stuff my face. I hung out with Shark for a while there.
Checked my e-mail. 2 from my Monday professors. One basically offering me an extension on that final cut project. I didn’t ask. He could just tell I guess? I still feel very overwhelmed. Like I want a nice massage and a remote control to fast forward through the semester.
Dave moves on Sunday. I’m sad. We’re going out tonight for him. I don’t want to get too drunk because I have to go help Maureen wedding dress shop on Saturday morning and you can’t be hungover for that type of thing. As she put it, “If you throw up it’ll really hurt my self confidence” haha.
I’m off to go to class and then come home and work on that damn mf project. It’s the thorn in my side but once I get it moving it shouldn’t be a big deal.
Lord be with me.
Oh and I’m excited for Halloween even though I look like a fool in my costume.
I woke up today stressed out because I know this week I have to work in Final Cut for a big project and I don’t know how to use it. I woke up with a headache that remained from last night. I gave my Tuesday and Friday shifts to Dave. I got a too-big cup of iced coffee, and drank it like it was nothing. I smoked cigarettes. I got to class, couldn’t figure out Final Cut. I prayed on my way to school, I did. On my break, I lost it. It was brewing, I should have sensed it. I started crying, and called my Mom. I was almost hyperventilating. I was just so overwhelmed. I have a lot going on this semester. All these English courses and their readings/papers/journals/blogs/etc. I can juggle it, or scrape by, but learning a new program on top of it was just too much. I Just wanted to cry. I went back, asked for help, and my Professor was good. I figured out how to capture video, convert video, edit it, manipulate sound… so I came a long way in three hours. I just have to breath and keep my calm. Usually I’m good at it. But just like 2 years ago when I was in Brookdale looking for schools and I started hysterically crying, sometimes the elements get the best of you. Fortunately I can freak out for 10 minutes, take a deep breath, and then move forward.
Working Woman
I didn’t get out until 1 am yesterday. Then I had to be back by 9. When I came back home by ten this morning, I had a Chili’s nightmares. I always love waking up from those because it takes me a few seconds to convince myself it was only a dream and that I’m not actually at work. I then feel really safe and happy in my bed, fall back to sleep, and have another Chili’s dream (nightmare).
I made a schedule for myself this week. Today I will write my Black Po paper which is due Tues.. Monday and Tuesday I will study for my Lit Theory midterm that is on Wed. Wednesday and Thursday I will work on my 18th Cent Restoration paper that is due Fri. Don’t ask me how I am going to do work on anything else, like my Dig. Media visual essay or my Melodrama notebook.
It’ll be so worth it so soon.
Today I Am Depressed
It all started in my Digital Media class, we have to make a presentation on Keynote instead of powerpoint. I don’t use Apple. I don’t know how to use a Mac. And regardless of how “user-friendly” it is, I don’t get it. And I became overwhelmed. Exasperated. Exhausted. Enraged.
So, I finally leave there and I got grumpier with each step I took. I know now what I want to do. I am moving west the day I graduate. Maybe not the day.. but see…
I always envisioned the road trip as the be all and end all. It was my goal. And now it’s done. And so I have been wondering what I would want to do next, but since that spark.. that burning neeeeed to leave had been fulfilled, it wasn’t really that high on my list of concerns. Until suddenly, the spark has been reignited. I’ve been home for barely over a month and already that damn spark is back. Oh passion. Anyway after thinking about it I decided something. My mom was saying that since I don’t need to start paying back my loans until 6 month after I graduate, I should use that time to travel. I was fully expecting myself to do Teach for America for a year. But I don’t think I want to anymore. I decided that since Brittany is going to be in school for 2 years more after I graduate (including her masters.. damn girl making me look bad) I can’t just wait around for her. Yes we have plans to move outta here together, but I don’t want to just get a job in the city with Adam while I wait for her. Because 2 years of that will change me, and I’ll see my benefits and my security and my promotions and I’ll be locked in. I’ll miss out on my dreams. I don’t want that. Not yet. So, I am going to move by myself. Just me. To a city where I don’t know anyone. And I’m just going to live there. I’ll have a little porch maybe and grass and I’ll sit outside with a sweatshirt and a drink, my music playing, and I’ll breathe in the crisp mountainous air and I’ll be content.
You see, the writer in me has more than emerged. It is taking over. I can’t stop daydreaming. I can’t stop doodling. My notebooks look like that of a child with ADD. I can’t stop writing little poems or ridiculous nothings. Nothing substantial.. the creativity is just oozing though. And being away and somewhere new will enhance that. I’m not fighting it anymore. I might even be going crazy. But that’s a good thing. The best writing comes out of my craziness.
And so, where will I move? I’m not sure yet. I liked Denver. I liked Portland too. I could move to a surrounding area by one of those two cities. But you know, the Portland thing probably won’t happen. But it’s a year or a year and a half away, so I’m sure that if anyone I know is moving to Portland they’ll do it by then. Otherwise.. I’m going where I want to go.
And soon.. I am just going to go.
And I’ve also realized why we perpetuated our mistakes for so long. We needed reminders as to why it was doomed. We’re very forgetful.
I am even forgetful at times still.
Regardless, I want to be by the Pacific, but I want it to be overcast and gray and beautiful, and springy/fallish. I want to see the huge waves crash on dark rocks with heavy fog as its backdrop. And that my friends is the pacific northwest.
But maybe I”ll settle for the Rockies in the distance.
I don’t know yet.
I feel better.
Rub some Benafleck on there
Today I ran the entire 5 miles without stopping to walk except for once and it was for no more than 3 minutes. I was so proud of myself. I just kept thinking, every time I wanted to stop, “You’re going to do it eventually and if you quit now you’re just going to have to try again and it’s still going to suck then, so keep going.” I did it. My right ankle, which I wrapped before because it was feeling a bit weak lately started to hurt. But it’s fucked now. It’s sprained, just like my left ankle 3 months ago that was out of commission for three weeks. This time I’ve smartened up a bit. Immediately I had it wrapped, I soaked in Epsom salt, I elevated, I iced, etc. I’m on Perkiset now so I can’t feel it but for a moment I felt it throb so I know it’s still messed up. I don’t work again til Friday (I had to give up a $175 dollar shift today!!! I CANT AFFORD THAT). I’m a bit worried about driving to/walking around school but I can’t rack up missed days just yet. I’d like to keep those for either 1) getting sick like I often do once a winter and 2) for days I’m just too sleepy to go.
So, my running career is over, but I’m proud because I did what I have been building up to: ran the entire 5 miles. I felt my leg muscles really working. Toward the end I started to run as fast as my tired legs would to “let out that last bit of energy” and my legs almost gave out completely. Thiiis close to muscle failure.
I was going to go to John’s Jiu Jitsu/Muay Thai Kickboxing class this week with him and Josh but I’m going to have to wait at least a week until I can walk without looking like a complete invalid.
Alright, glass of wine to help me fall asleep and then.. sleep.
At Last I See What All Of This Ridiculous Hard Work Is For
Hi there! Two papers down. 1000 more to go. One due today? Didn’t get the assignment because you missed that day chump. We’ll figure it out. Also, listening to the spill canvas for ever and ever and ever results in over quoting. OH, my heart beats for them haha. Um, let’s see. My group that I have to work with for medieval sexuality HATES me. Or at least, this one kid does. “Um, I don’t mean to be rude but this group is already full.” “Um, not be a jerk, but I don’t want you reading my paper if I haven’t read yours yet.” Suck it.
Lastly, today is a little windy but I appreciate any weather that isn’t 40 degrees. Walking around Rutgers in that weather has made me very grateful for even chilly Spring days.
Ps-
My faith in only one person can move mountains. Brae
I really need to get better at school before something terrible happens. =(
I also need to get better at life. But one thing at a time.
Le sigh
Verifying My Existance
Today I woke up and didn’t have a fever! I think that means I’m better!
I am getting used to being ignored.
I’ve been obsessing over some pretty strange stuff lately, and I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve been stuck in my house for the past 5 days. But I have been obsessing! And when you obsess you make a big deal out of things that aren’t a big deal at all to anyone else. Fortunately, I’ve kept my crazy to myself. I really need to get back to school tomorrow. I will be there. I regret getting sick. I wish I hadn’t missed so many classes, but also, I got it all on lock. So I’m not too worried. Just have some reading to catch up on today.
On Saturday I’m going skiing. That’s going to be a lot of fun. As long as I don’t fall down and have to get rescued from the mountain again. My new boss, Mike, is going to be there. I wish he wasn’t. I just want to spend time with my mom, but now him and his douchey friends are going to be around. Kristen’s coming too, which is fine though. And Britt is snowboarding, so all these snowboarders being there is good for her.
Are snowboarders douchey? These ones are I bet.
