The CHANGE

In what has been consistently great, something has changed. The turn has come.

You know the one. You can feel it. It’s kind of sudden, and there’s no going back.

The “honeymoon’s over” turn from “Oh my god we are so perfect, he is so perfect, nothing in the world could ever tear me from this” to “Oh my god, we are not perfect and damn, forever is a long time. I love you but how dumb am I to have thought we got this. We are so far from getting this.”

This relationship has been incredibly easy.

But this distance. It’s taking its toll, baby.

proof number 349234598340584842 that God exists: After my post yesterday I went downstairs and Mick had fixed the drive issues completely. I then worked on final cut and after a few emails back and forth with my professor and some tinkering I got it all working. So Sunday shouldn’t be hell. Thank you God. And on top of that I AM learning final cut, which is awesome.

So I had a dream last night> I was in this office and all the guys were interested in me and there was this one guy who I knew was going to ask for my number. So just as I was leaving he got some paper out and I went to give him my number but instead he gave me his. So I got his number and just then one of the guys went to walk me out. He wasn’t the most attractive guy there (the guy who gave me his number was the attractive one). However it was like a magnetic force was pulling us together. He was so confident, didnt care that I just got some guys number. It was as if he knew he was supposed to be with me and I him. The connection between us was so strong that as we were walking (remember we had just met) our hands kept coming together. He said, “wow.” He walked me outside and was walking me to my car, I told him it was pretty far away, but he kept walking with me. It was instant chemistry. We stopped at his house (which was on the way to my car apparently) and hung out. It was as if we had always known one another. That guy who gave me his number was less than a distant memory- he didn’t even exist.

I feel like that’s how it’s going to actually be. Just instant comfort, instant chemistry, magnetism, and every one else will be forgotten. They wont matter anymore.

It put things into perspective a bit. Anyway, I just wanted to remember that dream.

 

Happy Halloween

There are 3 types of sex:

1) Drunken hookups

• these are simply inspired by carnal instincts. all you want it so fuck. the person youre actually having sex with doesn’t matter. it could be anyone. There will be no cuddling.

2) Sex With Love

• This type of sex is the most comfortable. You’re just as comfortable sleeping with them as you are holding their hand. There’s no awkwardness, no worries. Plus, it’s meaningful and filled with (gasp) EMOTION which ladies live on. There will be cuddling afterward.

3) Sex Without Love

• Sex without love is more than drunken hookups, because there’s a chance you do care about that person. But there’s no actual commitment. There probably won’t be cuddling afterward but there will be conversation before and after (unless you fall asleep). There is a certain level of comfort but it isn’t as strong as when there is love involved. Often, these are fuck buddies. Often, someone catches feelings.

I’ve had all three types of sex, and I have to be honest, sex with love is better than anything else. Because you are appreciated for more than your hips. When in love, sex is an expression of how you feel inside. Without love, sex is just two people trying to get off. And eventually, it gets old if there’s nothing else there.

I don’t miss being in love, but I do miss the intimacy of it.

I wonder what’s next for me, in relation to.. relationships. As in, when will this stop and when will I meet someone I actually commit to. Who will I meet? Right now, life is good. I have a job. Schools back. I get to be intellectually stimulated. Fall is coming, and it’s refreshing. I spend some nights out at Nics, which is fun. But spiritually.. I am exhausted. And floundering.

I know what I want in the long run when it comes to my future.. but the life I’m living isn’t one that deserves such blessings.

Nap time.

Life as Ordinary

My ankle is still sore but I was able to walk better on it today. I’m hoping tomorrow it won’t be killing me. First day back at work was okay, made $138. I had this one table though, these two innocent yet terrible girls who sat for almost a full hour and a half after closing. Dave and I had to then wait until Sue was done because she let the cooks go home. I like how I have a repore with the cooks these days. It makes everything easier. Nic called me while I was working and because Sue was there and this table wouldn’t leave, leaving me with nothing to do until they left, I took it. We talked about our sagas and it put everything into perspective. It’s not that bad, living life unattached. It looks worse than it is. And really it makes you stronger. To have the bravery and strength to let go is a beautiful thing, and sometimes you need to get to the point and say, “Enough is enough.” I’m excited about the unknown, it just sucks when life feels uneventful. But its then that you become yourself.

I’m looking forward to writing this book. I was thinking about getting published on my way back from dog sitting at my dads, and it made me cry. I guess I really want that, more than I knew.

Killing Time

I feel like I let myself become cheap. I allowed myself to be used as an emotional safety net. I mean, neither of us are in love with eachother yet I allowed myself to act like there was some reason to still sleep together and there isn’t. I know that.

But its not like a desperate thing, or a holding on to something that isn’t there thing. It’s a… filling a void thing. Because no matter how great life is, and how fulfilled you are in it…after a while there’s moments that slowly creep in and you begin to miss having someone. And the soft stroke of a hand on your back can really distract you sometimes.  But afterwards, youre left just as empty (if not emptier). You do go home alone. You don’t have meaningful conversation. The ties of love that hold up the mattress aren’t there, and without it sex is just sex, and it’s a bad thing. A good beautiful thing turns bad. And it keeps us from actually being some sort of friends, and it causes problems, and fights, and hurt feelings that really have no right to be hurt other than for the fact that two days ago we had slept together. It’s more like a cancer on something we’re trying to make clean after all this time. Seeing as I don’t want to completely fuck my life over by becoming emotionally empty or numbed or hardened, and seeing as I really want to live Gods way and I really want to meet the guy God has for me, I’m okay with it being done. It’ll save me a lot.

This trip, this dreaded scary but wonderfully beautiful trip is a life raft. It’s pulling me out of a flood of bad decisions and bringing me to clarity. It’ll keeping my summer from being a waste. It’s going to show me everything I need to feel in my heart. It’ll replenish me. My writers block has thawed for sure, but it’ll completely melt it away. It’ll distract me. It’ll be an adventure. I’ll have fun. I’ll laugh. I’ll be doing something of SUBSTANCE rather than drinking. I mean, I just need to break out of this mold. don’t we all though?