Mercy, please.

I’m facing a crisis. I’m staring blankly at a possible future that made me cry all day today in my car. And what do I do? The ONE thing that got me here in the first place. That terrible, awful mistake that I apologized for and felt like an idiot for- I REPEATED IT.

This is what I hate about being human. We are so stupid. And, we are so selfish. And we are so transfixed on immediate gratification. I look to God and I’m just like.. “What can I even say? I apologized and talked to you all day and then did the very thing I was mad about. I’m a failure. A terrible person. I deserve fire to my skin. But Lord… regardless… please spare me. Please, just again, apply your marvelous mercy and grace on me. Both of those things, I need both. And help me to become better..”

You hear that prayer? It sounds so familiar because I pray it so often. I feel like I deserve whatever comes to me. But I don’t want it. I don’t want to suffer those consequences, but I deserve them.

This sounds so cynical. Like I’m depressed or self-loathing. I’m not. I’m human. I’m so so so so human it’s awe inspiring. As in, wow. Look at ME. I am as bad as any lot of humans could be. I can’t judge a single person, but still of course I do. And that is the awe inspired part. That in one breath I see the rotting flesh of my tainted soul and in the next continue doing the things that cause me to rot.

And so I am looking at God, completely aware that I deserve nothing, yet praying and begging and hoping for the opposite of what I deserve. Because if I get what I deserve.. there’s a chance I’ll just sin it away. And that sin will ruin me.

I have my picture

I’m rewriting this in actual words that actually mean something.

I haven’t been having fun lately. Lately as in, the past 8 months. I have been confused, stressed, saaaad, nauseous and struggling to feel ‘normal’. But I haven’t been enjoying a whole lot. I’d lost the fun when out with friends. I lost wanting to hang out with friends. I lost the appreciation for people and I lost whatever spontaneity I had.

But recently, in the past month or two, I made a mental decision to start having fun again. It just took me a while to realize I had stopped enjoying things.

And I have been having fun. Sober fun, drunk fun, sister fun, friends fun. I’ve made efforts to hang out with people I usually don’t, to go out when I usually wouldn’t to places I usually wouldn’t, etc. I didn’t do this so much in the recent past because I didn’t- I don’t like to distract myself from life. I like to realize what’s wrong and to then deal with it. Of course I sometimes distract myself, but for the most part, I don’t. I mean I wish I could a lot of the time! But I feel like it’s not genuine. To ignore your mental state or your emotional state is irresponsible to yourself. And it just backlogs everything and you end up with a wall of issues to eventually tackle.

I guess I’m getting back to normal. I’m talking real actual normal. Me 2 years ago normal. The state of Che that exists alone.. yeah I’m getting there. To the place where I recognize myself again. To a place where my mannerisms are mine, my words are mine, my thoughts are mine. To the place where I’m totally disconnected from the past and back to me. That state of normalcy. And that’s a good thing.

But after last night… I don’t want to rack up mistakes. I don’t want to have regret. I want to be good in God’s eyes! But then nights like last night happen and I think on one hand, it was fun and I don’t regret it and it actually did me some good. But then there’s that other part, the ‘I’mmmmmm an idiot’ part.

Back to normal is good, but I just hope I can stay on God’s path. It’s easy to be on it when you’re self searching constantly.. really looking within. It’s easy to be on it when you feel alone, and God is all you have. It’s easy to be on it when you’re not being asked to do anything, but instead you’re being comforted.

But when I stop looking deep into myself for a while, when I don’t need as much comfort, when I’m not completely alone*, when I am being asked to change, when my mind begins to wander… it’s then that the real struggle begins. I don’t want to be all ‘holy-holy-holy’ only when my world is crashing and I’m in need of a savior. I want to be consistent with my relationship during the times when I don’t feel such a desperate need for Him as well.
(Not that I don’t need God, because I do. I do do dodododododdoo. I am a mess without Him. A completely hopeless walking disaster.)

*I say I don’t feel alone because I had, along with giving up fun, curled up into myself. I stopped talking about what was ailing me, and it wasn’t good. I felt like I had such weight in my heart, and no one knew. So just recently I realized this, that I had resigned myself to walk life without any help, and I decided to do the opposite. I’ve been open lately, honest. I stopped caring how I looked and I gave up trying to uphold any type of reputation and I just let my heart speak for itself. Being honest with those in my life has helped me to become more honest with myself, which I think is why I realize so much lately. I have quit trying to reassure everything. For example, I’d always write “Dont get me wrong, I’m happy” or “I don’t care about this” or “Yeah things are good for the most part” and I’d usually follow it or precede it with just a hint of truth. The issue I really should have talked about but didn’t because I didn’t want anyone knowing what was going down, and I don’t think I wanted to really stare at my ‘pathetic’ truth. But not anymore. Not here. Because if I let my voice fade, I’ll read back here and everything will be a carbon copy of every other entry. If I’m not honest in here, whats the point of writing?
If I’m not honest with my friends, whats the point in calling them my confidants?
If I’m not honest with myself, well then.. whats the point of anything.

After a night out

I always wake up, thinking “what did I do?” As in.. did I call anyone I shouldn’t have? Did I get online and make an idiot of myself to people? Did I, toward the end of the night, become a rambling idiot and say things to my friends, or my friend’s friends, that I regret?

Fortunately, I didn’t do any of those things because by the time I came home, I had lost my phone.
By the time I left the bar, all the alcohol hadn’t quite hit me yet, so I didn’t ramble (I don’t think).
And when I came home, I picked up my computer, put it 5 centimeters from my face and still couldn’t read anything. That’s when I became dizzy and spent a long time downstairs, between the bathroom and the couch.

But there are a few mysteries. Like, how did Brittany drive home? Also, when did Tiara leave? Thirdly, where the hell is my phone? And, how was I able to change my away message last night when I couldn’t even read IM’s?

Anyway, I don’t know why I decided to drink last night. I’m poor and it’s only Tuesday. I’m a dummy.

The Recap I Always Do

Alright, how should I write this.

The year started off beautifully. New York, in love, champagne, surrounded by my boyfriend’s friends, all of whom I liked. At that time, it was the perfect beginning of my year.

The year will end surrounded by my friends, mixed drinks, karaoke, food, and all the New Year’s kisses I can reach for. At this time, that is perfect.

Everything that has happened in between is a blur of sorts. My biggest accomplishment was school, seeing as I finally finished Brookdale and was accepted into Rutgers. This was a goal of mine (to finish and find a new school). At times, it really stressed me out. I remember crying in the library, so unsure of where I even wanted to go. But I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I wanted to also be with Joe, so I was considering places in other states when in actuality, Jersey is best for me right now. I did, also, realize that when in a new place you appreciate things about it that the locals take for granted. So put those rose colored glasses on when you’re here, at home. You’ll find a lot of beauty.
I didn’t do everything I had hoped to do this year. I didn’t pay off my credit card, but I’m so close it’s going to be done before I know it. I didn’t quit smoking either. And I never visited Shari. But a few things didn’t happen that I’m fortunate for. My mom didn’t move. I didn’t have to get my own place. I did, however, learn more Spanish. If 2007 was the year of business, and 2008 was the year of intellect (that’s how I worded it last year, and I’m always right) then what can I brand 2009?
2008 held change for me yes, but it was more a preparatory year. I had to finish up with the loose ends of Brookdale. In that time, I was indecisive and at times crazy but overall, I did what I had to do. So I was in love, and then I wasn’t. I had my friends, and then some of them weren’t my friends so much anymore. I think 2008 was a year that held a lot of intrinsic value. I became more confident and did what I wanted, because I stopped caring about the opinions of others. Sometimes this worked against me, but I don’t mind. I also allowed myself to live off of emotions for a bit, which is always beautiful, though also always retarded. By the end of 2008 I was very thankful to God. He has done a lot for me, and recently has been reaching out to me. I learned more about God this year than I have in a long time.
So, 2009.. where would I like to see you? 2009 just may be the year of adventure. Oh, that’s exciting.
Adventures include: New school, internships!, England, possible road trip with Sharkey..
I think just the fact that my future is coming into focus makes me excited. I really am anxious to get my hands on this English major. I am really glad that I’m following my gut doing what makes the most sense. So my goals for 2009.. I’d like to stop procrastinating and gossiping, I’d like to pay my credit card, go the gym, and I’d like to be content with myself. Physically and internally. Also, I struggle with my writing identity, so I’d like to find it. And lastly, I’d like to earn really good grades because this is my last chance at a super fly GPA, and I’d like to intern.

Why are these things an adventure? Because it’s new, uncharted territory for me.. it’s exciting terrain I’ve yet to explore.

Good bye 2008. I feel like 2009 is going to take me out of my comfort zone, and I think I’m going to be kind of an adult by the end of it (kind of). We’ll see. Here’s to the unknown, by far one of my favorite aspects of life.

1)I saw Demetri Martin’s indifferent graffiti, “Toy Story 2 was okay!”, in a New York bathroom,
2) I got a B+ in my winter class.
3) I went to Florida.
4) I convinced far too many people that I was engaged.
5) He surprised me in the mall
6) I had a valentine
7) I spent Valentines day in Philly
8) Lost
9) Joes emotion fueled drive to Jersey
10) Mark got knocked up and I promised to never call him again
11) I bought rollerblades
12) Joe graduated and is finally moving back
13) I played in a poker tournament and wasn’t first out
14) Snoop Dogg watched me dance
15) I talked to the lead singer of Bouncing Souls and he looks a lot older than I expected
16) I got a guitar pick from mxpx.. and gave it to Joe
17) I got all A’s and B’s in the six classes I took in the Spring
18) Mamma got her degree
19) Britt moved back home for good!
20) I saw the spill canvas again
21) I saw Jaime
22) Me and Joe broke up
23) My friends came through
24) rock climbing
25) I started bartending
26) beautiful sunday
27) Went to one of dad’s softball games
28) Saw Barbie and Ken
29) I finally found a new church and started going regularly
30) Having insurance on my electronics paid off twice
31) I saw rainbows. Even a double rainbow. I never see rainbows.
32) I saw the best fireworks in my life, and I always hate fireworks.
33) I met Gavin Schmidt
34) I was able to see Brie and Andrew again
35) I raised my GPA by a higher percent than initially goaled for
36) I saved money!
37) Joe and I tried again, but it didn’t work
38) I bought NutriSystem and lost weight
39) I saw Against Me!
40) I started boxing and kick boxing
41) I made my first Craigslist purchase
42) I got into Rowan
43) I got into Rutgers!!
44) Got in touch with Chris Lezcano
45) Reacquainted with my cousin Andrew
46) Reacquainted with Aubrey and Chelsea.
47) Saw the tree in NYC. I don’t know if I have ever done that.. maybe once.
48) Lost the $100 bet to Josh
49) Hung out with old high-school friends on their 21st’s
50) Had an amazing Christmas
51) Did a secret santa, actually gave a gift this year
52) Bought a gift for my last year’s secret santa, to make up for not getting one for her last year
53) Saw Robert Randolph and the Family Band
54) Became much closer with Kari
55) Had a last festivus at Josh’s, which we all needed
56) and I never mentioned my date with Jesus haha

I am only just beginning to understand

the power women hold over men. That everything is a possibility. And men are easily conquered, or rather, aren’t as unconquerable as we make them out to be. They are not these ten foot tall pillars of strength and mystery. They are little boys, standing shakily on man sized legs, and they want to be with me. They want to be loved and cuddled, and they want someone to hold at night, and they want to have someone to protect. So, being an attractive, confident woman, it’s not up to them to pick me, rather it is up to me to decide who it is that I let pick me. That’s a jumble of words that makes me sound very cocky. I’m not cocky, but I am realizing that I have a lot more power in this world and in relationships than I ever gave myself credit for.

After a GOD AWFUL date on Friday with Charles Manson, and then an extremely uncomfortable Saturday night where my best friend of ten years kissed me.. I am completely jaded and feel I will never delight in normalcy again. I feel completely disheartened at the thought of guys and dating. If some one who I always trusted and looked at as a brother won’t take no for an answer, “Um, no I don’t want to kiss you.” and if I can allow myself to be taken out by Quasimoto(!), then certainly I have horrible standards, which must stem from some horrible lack of self esteem, and certainly nothing is as precious and invaluable as I perceive it to be, if someone would be willing to make everything so damned awkward after ten years of a perfectly loving friendship.

I just want to crawl into my bed and never leave it. Then, on the other hand, I delight at the idea of going speed dating in NYC with some friends. Only for the undoubtedly hilarious experience and all the rehashing of date stories we’d spill over a table full of beers afterwards. Truth be told though, I am traumatized by that date on Friday. I think, “Am I really so desperate that I went on a date with this awful person?” But, on the other hand, how was I supposed to know he was so strange? He held his composure so well over the phone and as a patron while I bar tended! Now I see that was probably a very strenuous task.

Oh well. Such is life I suppose. Until tomorrow’s discovery..

A Secret

So, I can’t tell this to anyone. Not even my own sister. Not my friends. Everyone would be ‘so disappointed’ or look at me differently. Judgingly. As if my word means nothing and I’m not strong. Maybe that is true, but I doubt it.

Last night I went to Escondido’s and got far too drunk. Threw up outside type drunk. Horribly embarrassing, in retrospect. At that moment, not so much. Tony held my hair. Joe was there. We decided to hang out so after Brittany picked me up I snuck out, much to her disapproval, and went to Joe’s. Spent the night together again, like we did ONLY TEN DAYS AGO. But, we were more friends this time. We were able to talk more. Chance at a friendship? Possible. But we really need to work on only being friends.

I have a hickey on my neck. What am I 16? You see, with all the strides I make, I’m still sinful by nature and am constantly messing up. Fortunately, God is constantly forgiving. And I am sorry. For lying, for leaving, for not being stronger.
I’m especially sorry I drank so much. I just wish I could remember our conversation last night a little better.