If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

-The Avett Brothers answered my previous post with this. Sometimes  music is my scripture

“Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes. You’d know what a drag it is to see you.”

Bob Dylan

Gahd.

The only reason I’m not completely in a terrible mood is because I know that once I finish the assignments in front of me I am home free. Unless I take a winter class (duh, sign up).

So, lettucey (throwback to 15 year old blogging days) what else is there to say other than I read Pablo Nerudo’s book a bit last night and found a lot of fun in trying to figure out the Spanish before going to the English translation. I wonder if I could learn spanish through studying LOVE SONNETS. Would that not make me the hippest romantic on the block?

Speaking of romantics, we are such romantics. Not everyone is, but I am. And a few of my friends are, and it’s like this club where not everyone gets it, but those who do, they really get it. That’s why all this talk of moving is so prevalent through out every month of every year for the past six years. Its the romantic notion of adventure and life and love and the unknown.
What if though, and I’m sorry to have to ask this, but what if you (and that’s a general you) went out there and didn’t get any answers and you were still discontent? Holy hell. THEN WHAT?

But, us romantics, we don’t think that way.

Lady Katherine- by Jason White. This song means something to me. I wish I could be Lady Ché. But I’m really just Ché.

Standing on your balcony in the sky
Trying to think of one reason you should not run.
You thought you saw your innocence driving by,
With your college education riding shot gun.
Ah girl it’s a long way to Heaven and,
it ain’t nowhere near to Greenwich, Connecticut.
You thought you’d be married off at 27,
Guess you’d better forget it.

(chorus)
Oh Lady Katherine,
Queen to be.
Talking Michelangelo over tea and
Lady Katherine, the Queen to be,
It’s back to being just Katie drinking beer with me.

And you were just gunna teach school a year or two,
Til Mr. Pinstripe was ready for a family.
He skipped out, now the ragman is calling you,
And how you gunna fend him off on your salary?
Every world now and then just collapses,
Even when you think you made it to the big top.
I’m here to tell you those momentary lapses don’t ever stop.
No.

(Chorus)

Now that the acid rain has rusted out your empire,
Nobody’s standing round and look at all your new clothes.
Ain’t no rubies in your bloody crown of barbed wire,
Ain’t no diamonds in the tears dripping off your nose.
Forget the time you wasted waiting on a good prince,
Forget the many miles you traveled as the crow flies,
It don’t show where the crow left his foot prints around your eyes.

(Chorus)

Oh lady Katherine,
Talking Edgar Allen Poe over tea..

It’s back to being Katie drinking beer with me,
She’s just Katie to me.

its time to get out of the desert and into the sun

Crest. Horizon. New Day. These are words I want to refrain from using in the upcoming 2009 blog post.

I hope to recognize myself better sometime in 2010. I still feel like it’s 2008. Where did the last year go?

Have i failed?

The Format’s “On Your Porch” always brings tears to my eyes. It always has. I think it’s the idea of my parent’s recognizing that I try, and the idea that I can never fail to them, and the acknowledgment that it’s been rough.

cause whats left to lose,
i’ve done enough
and if i fail, well then i fail, but i gave it a shot
and these last three years,
i know they’ve been hard
but now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun
even if it’s alone

Tell everyone who needs to know, we are heading North.

I guess the crazy switch has gone on. I just decided not to initiate hanging out anymore, and so it’s been a week. Haha, and the fact that I even did that means the crazy has started to creep in. It was only a matter of time.

I like how I refer to every emotion that isn’t splendid as craziness. I’m probably doing myself an injustice.

I just don’t care. I think I wish I did, because I miss caring about someone, but I just haven’t found anyone to care about yet. In other news, I am in love with Scott Avett. He is what my dream guy looks like honestly. Reminds me of ol Barrett Dodd. Thats who I am looking for. Scott Avett (clean shaven)

I like this song because it’s good.

November Blue- The Avett Brothers

If I weren’t leavin’, would I catch you dreamin’
And if I weren’t gonna be gone now, could I take you home
And if I told you I loved you, would it change what you see
And if I was staying, would you stay with me
And if I had money, would it all look good
And if I had a job now, like a good man should
And if I came to you tomorrow, and said let’s run away
Would you roll like the wind does, baby would you stay

My heart is dancin’, to a November tune
And I hope that you hear it, singing songs about you
And I sing songs of sorrow, because you’re not around
See, babe I’m gone tomorrow, Baby follow me down

I don’t know why I have to, but this man must move on
I love my time here, didn’t know ’til I was gone
November shadows, shade November change
November spells sweet memory, the season blue remains
November spells sweet memory, the season blue remains

Your yellow hair is like the sunlight, however sweet it shines
Bit by the cold of December, I’m warm beside your smile

Oh lady, tell me I’m not leaving, you’re everything I dreamed
I’m killing myself thinking, I’ve fallen like the leaves
I’m killing myself thinking, I’ve fallen like the leaves

ahem

uh huh.

I am.

Smile your lovely smile, and tell me of tomorrows for awhile. Hold my hand and tell me, tell me, tell me

Deep in the Cheap Seats

I watched your face age backwards
Changing shape in my memory

I watched your face die backwards
Little baby in my memory
You told me victory’s sweet
Even deep in the cheap seats

And you don’t judge me
That’s not your style
But I won’t see you for a little while
And there’s no worries
Whose got time
All these changes are going to fill your mind

I watched the stars get smaller
Tiny diamonds in my memory

These lyrics from Cape Canaveral resonate with me and I probably don’t even fully understand them in context.  They make sense to me though, in my context.

Contented Sigh

We have absolutely everything we need now, except a visor for the windshield. And the car. But we’ll have that by tomorrow. Snacks and foodage, electronic things, hygienics.. it’s all sitting in my closet waiting. The cities have been picked. The order of the cities in place. The routes will be done city by city, but we can do that. We’re leaving Monday now instead of Sunday because we have been working everyday this past week and need 1 day of not working to pack and get all ready. So Monday 6 am we’ll be on the road and in Nashville by 8ish. I’m excited. I want this. And I have so much music downloading my computer might self destruct.. but we’re going to be good on music and I’m almost as excited about that as I am about the trip itself.

I’ll be writing. I have earplugs so I can sleep. We’ll be camping in so many national parks we’ll probably forget what a bed feels like. And money.. we have money. In fact we’ll probably be closer to our original goal than we thought.

And that issue I was talking about before- that guy.. it’s nothing. We’re going to remain friends and that’s better because in the long run even I know it shouldn’t work. I mean hello.. he’s even an Atheist. And the funny thing is lately he’s been mocking Christians around me which he’s never done before. I think it was God’s way of showing me I need to detour around that. I’m okay with that, I’d rather dodge 1000 bullets than get my heart unnecessarily broken even once.

I remember countless nights sitting in my backyard looking at the sky on an unusually warm night that had been surrounded with cold days and just fantasizing about the trip I am so close to taking. And it’s not running away- like it had been for a while when life felt suffocating. And it’s not a needed catharsis like it was when my mind was clouded. And it’s not a last ditch effort to thaw my writers block like it was when my creativity had been frozen over by the bitter winds of a shitty few months. No- this isn’t any of those things anymore. Now, I am content in my life. Now, I am pretty happy. Now, my friends are great. Now, the summer has been treating me well. Now, this trip is just something amazing to look forward to. I don’t have severe expectations of it saving me or healing me or anything like that. It’s just nurturing. It’s beautiful. It’s awesome and exciting  and scary and it’s only 4 days away.

Someday dreams to one day dreams to tomorrow to today.

One of my favorite songs right now

is By Your Side because it’s so true and makes me feel so thankful and it makes me want to cry.  It just hits me in the heart for some reason.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don’t turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I’ll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don’t fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world’s sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I’ll never let you go

Taylor Swift’s “The Best Day”

This song made me teary ha. I wondered if it would be my father/daughter dance song, but it won’t be. Regardless, parental love is pretty amazing.

I’m five years old, it’s getting cold, I’ve got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you, I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides, look now, the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don’t know why all the trees change in the fall
But I know you’re not scared of anything at all
Don’t know if Snow White’s house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I’m thirteen now and don’t know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop ’til I’ve forgotten all their names

I don’t know who I’m gonna talk to now at school
But I know I’m laughing on the car ride home with you
Don’t know how long it’s gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today

I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother, inside and out, he’s better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you’re talking to me
It’s the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
And Daddy’s smart and you’re the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn’t know if you knew, so I’m takin’ this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today