Assistant

I should start by saying that I didn’t lose my job. I just feel like I did.

I have been anticipating, looking forward to and excited over my upcoming raise. I had a figure that I wanted, and then a figure that I would accept… but I didn’t expect what I got. Percentage-wise, it’s not a terrible raise. But that percentage of what I make is shitty. So shitty I cried. Bawled in my car actually.

I like my job and my bosses really like me at my job, and I really like my bosses. Soon I’m only going to be required in office four days a week. That’s awesome.

But I have to pay for my benefits starting September, and with this income, I can’t afford them. I also, on this salary, am going to be in trouble if the gas prices don’t calm the hell down.

All that to say, I’m in a predicament now. I CAN’T AFFORD to live like I want to, which is still pretty modestly, just not “I can’t even rationalize using my Verizon upgrade” modestly.

I have full faith though that I’m not completely screwed. I haven’t cried since that initial, day-long shock. Here’s my mental take on it: I did not put myself into this position, except maybe back in August when I didn’t request a higher starting salary. My bad and I’ve learned. But I am in this position because life handed it to me, so there’s nothing I can do except react. For some reason that makes me feel relief.

Righ before the raise happened (or didn’t happen, really), I had realized that I had forgotten that I am in control of my life. I was living so horribly, only performing my obligations, not doing anything I wanted to do. I viewed the things I wanted to do as annoyances. As burdens. Like they were just one more thing to do on my tiring list of things I have to do. I forgot how to differentiate between obligations and interests.

I forgot these results and every aspect of life, for the most part, are the results of your choices. I had stopped making choices, and in return was actually just making bad ones.

So I’ve stopped drinking during the week, which left me tired and bloated anyway, staying up late and losing any motivation to do much after work.

I’ve joined Weight Watchers to get my consumption issues under control. I consume too much, whether it’s food or cocktails or cigarettes.

I re-signed my lease with John. I want to live by the shore and I am going to continue to.

And now, I am going to be looking for a place closer to home that will make me happier. This was forced upon me in some ways as my expenses are increasing but also, I don’t want to have to work at Chili’s forever. That’s the end of it. That’s not a choice I want to continue making.

I’m not making any dramatic life changes. I haven’t and I don’t see it like that. Those phases don’t work. But I am trying to remember I am in control of this life, or at least a lot of it, and that if I’m not happy I need to figure what needs to change.

It kind of feels like I’m waking up. I haven’t felt any excitement like this in a while. It’s not strong excitement, just a little rumbling beside the things I’m scared of and the apple I had with breakfast.

And I think it’s interesting that right when I started to remember that my life is my own, I was left a letter on my desk with a little number next to a percent sign that read, “it’s time for a change.”

Turkey and Swiss

on Rye bread. With mustard, crushed red pepper, basil if I have it, and lettuce.

When I was pulling my sandwich out of the plastic bag, with a side of Baked Cheddar Chips and a coke, I realized I am as average as they come. A normal person, making their lunch and bringing it to work to help save even the few dollars buying a lunch would cost. Saving my money, living really modestly, so much so that it’s habit now.

I’m staying in Belmar for another year. It’s like I’ve been awakened. I really love my roommates and appreciate my life. I want to continue like this for longer.

Hopefully my upcoming raise is enough to quit bartending.

One more summer at the beach with Mark, swimming and tanning all day.

Belmar is my home, and it’s where we fell in love. Every corner, when warmed, holds a memory. The memories keep me smiling when I go running.

I’m thinking next year it may make sense to consider buying a home, which is the thought that prompted this post.

Being able to leave my job and drive to the beach is such an amazing gift.

John and the shore and Mark and Main St. Cheesesteaks and Brittany if she chooses. BBQs and tomato plants.

And then, when this year ends, the things that are in store are incredibly exciting.

I want to spend my life like this, with you.

More like.. wh-wh– what next?? =/

I need to find something else to write about now.

This celebrity gossip, bubble-gum, “sweetie” laden text isn’t cutting it anymore.

No adult woman thinks like this.

And I don’t want to write for the ones that do.

Now… what next!

A Brush with Fame

My blog readership is up 50% for the month and I’ve hardly written anything. Strangers followed me on Twitter from reading my articles online somewhere. I was supposed to be training for a radio interview this week. Here’s the story:

An article I had written was reposted to a few sites, most noteworthy being Yahoo’s Shine. The amount of people reading my articles is more than the amount of people I have ever met, combined with the amount of people I have ever thought of or heard of. I can’t bring myself to say the number, for reasons below. It was exciting. Especially the Yahoo thing. That really hit me.

A Seattle radio morning show contacted the woman I freelance for, asking to interview me about the article. She was to start PR training with me.

Talk of being paid to edit for the site came up. Talk of being pushed forward to write content for larger sites, sites that have their articles published in USA Today and other large print publications came up.

Everything happened within a few days. A week. One week and it looked like everything was happening for me.

It was really scary. Everything happened so quickly, but I felt God tell me to just sit still, and to continue what I was doing. Do not make a move.

I didn’t want to boast, or brag, or feel like this was in anyway a credit to my writing. The idea of giving myself credit made me sick to my stomach. I became incredibly frightened of being anything but humble. I prayed to God, thanking him for this opportunity, all of these opportunities, and I glorified him for it. I told him that I know this is his doing, not mine. He is laying my path out for me, and any blessings that come from it are gifts. I have nothing to do with this. That is how I felt. How I still feel. I never expected this fear of boastfulness, or pride. I saw what that could look like on me and I hated it. I won’t be that.

I told God that if this were to all fall through, I would be grateful for the experience. The feeling of it alone. I believe that either way, it is His will. That is it. Just let your will be done, and help me to hear you to follow it.

The radio station hasn’t, to my knowledge, followed up. The paying for editing isn’t happening. Instead, the editing is used as payment for the expense this company is taking on in order to promote me- whatever that means (I really would be terrible at business).

The payment will come, eventually, maybe, as a result of advertising revenue. It will not be a large sum, but I knew that.

The opportunity of partnership with this larger, more connected website is still in the works. It’s me, this other girl, and the niece of a huge 70′s celebrity (I won’t say who out of fear of anyone ever Googling their way onto this blog). The three of us are being pushed forward, in hopes that the involved companies will make money while we get our names out there. I will have the opportunity to write original content. This is still a great opportunity.

But, that leaves me wondering- what do I want to write about?
First, why do I write? Because I enjoy it. I enjoy writing well, and I enjoy the praise. That is obvious. Writing is an ego booster. Let’s stay real about it. But even if no one ever read my writing, I’d still write. I enjoy it, it is a part of me.

But what do I want to write? If you have the opportunity to write about anything, and that something is going to be read by a lot of people, what do you say?

I thought this was my chance to leave bartending. Maybe it will be eventually, but as of right now, I’m still there every Saturday. And I still have to move, and I was feeling anxious. It took me some time to put my finger on my feelings, but that is what it was. Anxiety over trying to move out with someone who is still in school and has no money. Anxiety over not having much money myself and expecting to spend more on my living expenses in only four months. Fear because if I move too far, for the first time ever, Mark told me that it could affect our relationship. I wasn’t worried about that at all, but his response, as honest as it was, didn’t align with mine. I am grateful for that. With worries and honesty out in the open, I can make a wiser decisions.

Today I prayed while in the car. I feel peace over the situation my future roommate is going to be in. Peace over that, do not worry about her. Leave her be. I feel peace over my finances, God has never let me down. Be wise and don’t be wasteful. It will be okay.

And with writing and bartending: today was not my big break. I so badly want to be in the next chapter of my life, a chapter that doesn’t include two paying jobs and freelancing. I wanted to be past this. But I’m not. Thank God, because that was his plan. Thank God I was not granted what I wanted. This is my path, and it is still a good one. Perhaps a tiring one, perhaps one with a million different steps, but it is the one I’m to be on. And I will always be thankful, as obedient as I can be, and humbled with the knowledge that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

I want to be the person that hands it to God to take, all of it. Whatever it is. Because none of it was mine to begin with.

But I am still excited, and happy. I still have my dreams. I think I am being led in the right direction. I guess I can say, I kind of know where I want to be, but I’m not ready to be there yet, and so I will just enjoy the journey, wherever it puts me.

More Time

So I have lots of free time, really. To do my homework. To clean my room. To do my laundry. To reflect. To work on writing. To sleep. To l0ve my Mom. To like, do everything. I spend 99 percent of that time doing none of those things though. I spend it in my room, or trying to find something to do, or spending money, or sleeping, or avoiding homework like it’s going to actually hurt. But my computer’s cord… well it’s been fraying. And I put tape on it. And yesterday it started sparking but fortunately it did not short out my computer. So I need to buy a new one. But until it comes in I am going to have more time to focus on things other than the intranetz. And in doing so I feel like I am going to be more productive! I remember one time my computer was at the doctor.. because of the screen or the fan or something… I was without it for a few days. Now I have plenty of computers in the house to use, but none to sit on my bed with for hours. So I went to bed earlier. I did shit. I felt like I had more time in my day. So I’m excited that my computer is out of commision for now. Along with that comes this project I have to work on. A ‘visual essay’- a movie. A film. I think it’ll come out well. I’m excited about school. Dammit I’m enjoying it kind of.

I’m very weary of my  money. Eh- weary isn’t right. I WOULD be stressed if it weren’t for my awesome mother. She is paying for what my TAG didn’t pay. She’s paying for my new health insurance that I have to get through school. She’s paying for my DEI fees. She helps me so much because all she wants is for me to “save. Save and finish school. Save so you have money for when you want to move out, or for when you’re ready to have a new car. Save save save.”
I really appreciate her because as she put it, “My mother had me hand my paychecks over to her. All I want is for you to keep yours.”
Since she is being so nice I should really take this opportunity to be responsible. I owe it to her. So instead of spending 100 bucks here or there on life obligations, whatever she spends on me I should match in my bank account. Yes, that’s a NOVEL idea.

And as a final note, last night I went to bed at 11:30. I woke up at 9! Not 9:50. Not 10:25. No I got up I should say at 9 (woke up at 8 but allowed myself to chill and sleep and relax). I had time to shower, do my hair (WHAAAT!?), stop by Meineke, get coffee and breakfast, print papers out and I was still at class on time. Let me tell you, going to bed early is the answer. I wasn’t tired in class today. I’m doing pretty well. I don’t look like a monster.

So that is why people don’t stay up until 3 AM. I geeett ittttt

There are 3 types of sex:

1) Drunken hookups

• these are simply inspired by carnal instincts. all you want it so fuck. the person youre actually having sex with doesn’t matter. it could be anyone. There will be no cuddling.

2) Sex With Love

• This type of sex is the most comfortable. You’re just as comfortable sleeping with them as you are holding their hand. There’s no awkwardness, no worries. Plus, it’s meaningful and filled with (gasp) EMOTION which ladies live on. There will be cuddling afterward.

3) Sex Without Love

• Sex without love is more than drunken hookups, because there’s a chance you do care about that person. But there’s no actual commitment. There probably won’t be cuddling afterward but there will be conversation before and after (unless you fall asleep). There is a certain level of comfort but it isn’t as strong as when there is love involved. Often, these are fuck buddies. Often, someone catches feelings.

I’ve had all three types of sex, and I have to be honest, sex with love is better than anything else. Because you are appreciated for more than your hips. When in love, sex is an expression of how you feel inside. Without love, sex is just two people trying to get off. And eventually, it gets old if there’s nothing else there.

I don’t miss being in love, but I do miss the intimacy of it.

I wonder what’s next for me, in relation to.. relationships. As in, when will this stop and when will I meet someone I actually commit to. Who will I meet? Right now, life is good. I have a job. Schools back. I get to be intellectually stimulated. Fall is coming, and it’s refreshing. I spend some nights out at Nics, which is fun. But spiritually.. I am exhausted. And floundering.

I know what I want in the long run when it comes to my future.. but the life I’m living isn’t one that deserves such blessings.

Nap time.

Contented Sigh

We have absolutely everything we need now, except a visor for the windshield. And the car. But we’ll have that by tomorrow. Snacks and foodage, electronic things, hygienics.. it’s all sitting in my closet waiting. The cities have been picked. The order of the cities in place. The routes will be done city by city, but we can do that. We’re leaving Monday now instead of Sunday because we have been working everyday this past week and need 1 day of not working to pack and get all ready. So Monday 6 am we’ll be on the road and in Nashville by 8ish. I’m excited. I want this. And I have so much music downloading my computer might self destruct.. but we’re going to be good on music and I’m almost as excited about that as I am about the trip itself.

I’ll be writing. I have earplugs so I can sleep. We’ll be camping in so many national parks we’ll probably forget what a bed feels like. And money.. we have money. In fact we’ll probably be closer to our original goal than we thought.

And that issue I was talking about before- that guy.. it’s nothing. We’re going to remain friends and that’s better because in the long run even I know it shouldn’t work. I mean hello.. he’s even an Atheist. And the funny thing is lately he’s been mocking Christians around me which he’s never done before. I think it was God’s way of showing me I need to detour around that. I’m okay with that, I’d rather dodge 1000 bullets than get my heart unnecessarily broken even once.

I remember countless nights sitting in my backyard looking at the sky on an unusually warm night that had been surrounded with cold days and just fantasizing about the trip I am so close to taking. And it’s not running away- like it had been for a while when life felt suffocating. And it’s not a needed catharsis like it was when my mind was clouded. And it’s not a last ditch effort to thaw my writers block like it was when my creativity had been frozen over by the bitter winds of a shitty few months. No- this isn’t any of those things anymore. Now, I am content in my life. Now, I am pretty happy. Now, my friends are great. Now, the summer has been treating me well. Now, this trip is just something amazing to look forward to. I don’t have severe expectations of it saving me or healing me or anything like that. It’s just nurturing. It’s beautiful. It’s awesome and exciting  and scary and it’s only 4 days away.

Someday dreams to one day dreams to tomorrow to today.

Life as Ordinary

My ankle is still sore but I was able to walk better on it today. I’m hoping tomorrow it won’t be killing me. First day back at work was okay, made $138. I had this one table though, these two innocent yet terrible girls who sat for almost a full hour and a half after closing. Dave and I had to then wait until Sue was done because she let the cooks go home. I like how I have a repore with the cooks these days. It makes everything easier. Nic called me while I was working and because Sue was there and this table wouldn’t leave, leaving me with nothing to do until they left, I took it. We talked about our sagas and it put everything into perspective. It’s not that bad, living life unattached. It looks worse than it is. And really it makes you stronger. To have the bravery and strength to let go is a beautiful thing, and sometimes you need to get to the point and say, “Enough is enough.” I’m excited about the unknown, it just sucks when life feels uneventful. But its then that you become yourself.

I’m looking forward to writing this book. I was thinking about getting published on my way back from dog sitting at my dads, and it made me cry. I guess I really want that, more than I knew.

Killing Time

I feel like I let myself become cheap. I allowed myself to be used as an emotional safety net. I mean, neither of us are in love with eachother yet I allowed myself to act like there was some reason to still sleep together and there isn’t. I know that.

But its not like a desperate thing, or a holding on to something that isn’t there thing. It’s a… filling a void thing. Because no matter how great life is, and how fulfilled you are in it…after a while there’s moments that slowly creep in and you begin to miss having someone. And the soft stroke of a hand on your back can really distract you sometimes.  But afterwards, youre left just as empty (if not emptier). You do go home alone. You don’t have meaningful conversation. The ties of love that hold up the mattress aren’t there, and without it sex is just sex, and it’s a bad thing. A good beautiful thing turns bad. And it keeps us from actually being some sort of friends, and it causes problems, and fights, and hurt feelings that really have no right to be hurt other than for the fact that two days ago we had slept together. It’s more like a cancer on something we’re trying to make clean after all this time. Seeing as I don’t want to completely fuck my life over by becoming emotionally empty or numbed or hardened, and seeing as I really want to live Gods way and I really want to meet the guy God has for me, I’m okay with it being done. It’ll save me a lot.

This trip, this dreaded scary but wonderfully beautiful trip is a life raft. It’s pulling me out of a flood of bad decisions and bringing me to clarity. It’ll keeping my summer from being a waste. It’s going to show me everything I need to feel in my heart. It’ll replenish me. My writers block has thawed for sure, but it’ll completely melt it away. It’ll distract me. It’ll be an adventure. I’ll have fun. I’ll laugh. I’ll be doing something of SUBSTANCE rather than drinking. I mean, I just need to break out of this mold. don’t we all though?

Legs of rubber.. Legs of STEEL

I haven’t updated in a while but I wasn’t in a place to update. But lately I’ve started to thaw a bit. My creativity is coming back. My long stint with writers block seems to be thawing and my life is feeling a lot more balanced. I’m happier. They say to have true balance you need to be emotionally, spiritually and physically in the same place. But for so long I’ve been too little on one thing or too focused on another, and my balance was off kilter. Lately though I’m feeling better. Standing up for myself has helped me to become emotionally more balanced, instead of letting myself feel walked over or under appreciated. This running at the reservoir has really balanced me physically. It is a catharsis. It keeps me from spending all day in my room before work. It makes me active. And with hopes of losing more weight, it gives me incentive. I enjoy it.

At first we speed walked three miles. The next day we speed walked 4 miles. The next day we speed walked/jogged five miles. Then today we speed walked two miles and jogged two miles. Depending on what time we wake up and what time we work, the mileage shifts, but we will always have time to do at least 4 miles. Now we’re going to try to alternate every mile between speed walking and jogging. Initially it’ll be 1)walk 2)jog 3)walk 4)jog 5)walk. Then we’ll switch to 1)jog 2)walk 3)jog) 4)walk 5)jog. After jogging or running 3 miles becomes easier, we’ll slowly transition into 1)jog 2)jog 3)walk 4)jog 5)jog. Obviously the goal is to be able to run 5 miles at a decent pace without dying. That’s going to take some time, but it’s a goal to have. I look forward to it and enjoy it. We are taking tomorrow off though because after 4 or 5 days of doing this every day, we need to let our muscles rest. Also, we have to get fingerprinted tomorrow and I don’t have time to do both.

Spiritually, I’ve stopped stressing over it. the more I stressed about how unworthy I was and the more I recognized ALLL the changes I needed to make, the less I would do because I was overwhelmed. I love God, God loves me, and gradual changes in time will be made and eventually I’ll get to wherever God wants me to be.. and then I’ll have to progress further. It’s a journey, NOT  a destination. So I’m just enjoying it.

I want to buy the patch. Quitting would be great, because as I was running today I could feel the smoking in me. At one point my heart was on fire.

I’ve been looking for something of intrinsic value. Something that made my life more than just what it was. By cutting back drastically on my spending, not going out to eat, cooking with Brittany, going to the reservoir and working more I feel like the time I do have off is cherished. I’m not completely lazy anymore. I feel like I’m balanced. And this road trip, though a huge leap of faith, will top it off. It at times felt more like a burden. Here I am saving all this money.. I could go shopping and get my hair done and go tanning! And feel so good. But I think of all the nights I sat outside smoking, daydreaming about this trip.. I owe it to myself. And once I go, I’ll be so glad I did.

I just pray Lord that you bless this trip and this Summer. I pray that you help us to save the money we need to save and that you keep us safe. Be with us and guard us and guide us. I love you Lord and I thank you for all the beautiful and wonderful things in my life. I am sorry for my shortcomings God. I just want to make you proud. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Continue to be with me as I navigate life. Thank you Lord. Amen.