on everything but the one thing that could make my life perfect?
God.
I want that back. That radiant life. You don’t worry about the things I worry about because those things are NOT important when you’re living a life for God.
I want to give myself back to Him.
There are 3 types of sex:
1) Drunken hookups
2) Sex With Love
3) Sex Without Love
I’ve had all three types of sex, and I have to be honest, sex with love is better than anything else. Because you are appreciated for more than your hips. When in love, sex is an expression of how you feel inside. Without love, sex is just two people trying to get off. And eventually, it gets old if there’s nothing else there.
I don’t miss being in love, but I do miss the intimacy of it.
I wonder what’s next for me, in relation to.. relationships. As in, when will this stop and when will I meet someone I actually commit to. Who will I meet? Right now, life is good. I have a job. Schools back. I get to be intellectually stimulated. Fall is coming, and it’s refreshing. I spend some nights out at Nics, which is fun. But spiritually.. I am exhausted. And floundering.
I know what I want in the long run when it comes to my future.. but the life I’m living isn’t one that deserves such blessings.
Nap time.
I feel like I let myself become cheap. I allowed myself to be used as an emotional safety net. I mean, neither of us are in love with eachother yet I allowed myself to act like there was some reason to still sleep together and there isn’t. I know that.
But its not like a desperate thing, or a holding on to something that isn’t there thing. It’s a… filling a void thing. Because no matter how great life is, and how fulfilled you are in it…after a while there’s moments that slowly creep in and you begin to miss having someone. And the soft stroke of a hand on your back can really distract you sometimes. But afterwards, youre left just as empty (if not emptier). You do go home alone. You don’t have meaningful conversation. The ties of love that hold up the mattress aren’t there, and without it sex is just sex, and it’s a bad thing. A good beautiful thing turns bad. And it keeps us from actually being some sort of friends, and it causes problems, and fights, and hurt feelings that really have no right to be hurt other than for the fact that two days ago we had slept together. It’s more like a cancer on something we’re trying to make clean after all this time. Seeing as I don’t want to completely fuck my life over by becoming emotionally empty or numbed or hardened, and seeing as I really want to live Gods way and I really want to meet the guy God has for me, I’m okay with it being done. It’ll save me a lot.
This trip, this dreaded scary but wonderfully beautiful trip is a life raft. It’s pulling me out of a flood of bad decisions and bringing me to clarity. It’ll keeping my summer from being a waste. It’s going to show me everything I need to feel in my heart. It’ll replenish me. My writers block has thawed for sure, but it’ll completely melt it away. It’ll distract me. It’ll be an adventure. I’ll have fun. I’ll laugh. I’ll be doing something of SUBSTANCE rather than drinking. I mean, I just need to break out of this mold. don’t we all though?
Life is a lot different now that I’m back at school. I definitely think this English major is right for me, because it sparks my interest like none other. I’ve been down on myself lately, unsure of how I could ever write like these writers I’m studying. Also, I felt like I can’t read well, or interpret well, or do anything well. But I think I’m getting a little more comfortable in my skin because the things I would come up with in my head are the things the teacher would then explain. I’m just going to speak up more often, because the less I focus on not being wrong, the better my chances of focusing and being right.
Other than that, and the dire position of my wallet and the terrible 2 parking tickets I received, I’m okay. I don’t have much room for a life I feel. And lately most of my free time has been spent with Joe. I do crave doing things, going out, or just getting out of a house and being outside. But it’s so cold, and I’m broke, and it’s way easier to just lay around. But I hate that, and as soon as it’s closer to Spring, oh I’ll come alive again.
Alright, how should I write this.
The year started off beautifully. New York, in love, champagne, surrounded by my boyfriend’s friends, all of whom I liked. At that time, it was the perfect beginning of my year.
The year will end surrounded by my friends, mixed drinks, karaoke, food, and all the New Year’s kisses I can reach for. At this time, that is perfect.
Everything that has happened in between is a blur of sorts. My biggest accomplishment was school, seeing as I finally finished Brookdale and was accepted into Rutgers. This was a goal of mine (to finish and find a new school). At times, it really stressed me out. I remember crying in the library, so unsure of where I even wanted to go. But I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I wanted to also be with Joe, so I was considering places in other states when in actuality, Jersey is best for me right now. I did, also, realize that when in a new place you appreciate things about it that the locals take for granted. So put those rose colored glasses on when you’re here, at home. You’ll find a lot of beauty.
I didn’t do everything I had hoped to do this year. I didn’t pay off my credit card, but I’m so close it’s going to be done before I know it. I didn’t quit smoking either. And I never visited Shari. But a few things didn’t happen that I’m fortunate for. My mom didn’t move. I didn’t have to get my own place. I did, however, learn more Spanish. If 2007 was the year of business, and 2008 was the year of intellect (that’s how I worded it last year, and I’m always right) then what can I brand 2009?
2008 held change for me yes, but it was more a preparatory year. I had to finish up with the loose ends of Brookdale. In that time, I was indecisive and at times crazy but overall, I did what I had to do. So I was in love, and then I wasn’t. I had my friends, and then some of them weren’t my friends so much anymore. I think 2008 was a year that held a lot of intrinsic value. I became more confident and did what I wanted, because I stopped caring about the opinions of others. Sometimes this worked against me, but I don’t mind. I also allowed myself to live off of emotions for a bit, which is always beautiful, though also always retarded. By the end of 2008 I was very thankful to God. He has done a lot for me, and recently has been reaching out to me. I learned more about God this year than I have in a long time.
So, 2009.. where would I like to see you? 2009 just may be the year of adventure. Oh, that’s exciting.
Adventures include: New school, internships!, England, possible road trip with Sharkey..
I think just the fact that my future is coming into focus makes me excited. I really am anxious to get my hands on this English major. I am really glad that I’m following my gut doing what makes the most sense. So my goals for 2009.. I’d like to stop procrastinating and gossiping, I’d like to pay my credit card, go the gym, and I’d like to be content with myself. Physically and internally. Also, I struggle with my writing identity, so I’d like to find it. And lastly, I’d like to earn really good grades because this is my last chance at a super fly GPA, and I’d like to intern.
Why are these things an adventure? Because it’s new, uncharted territory for me.. it’s exciting terrain I’ve yet to explore.
Good bye 2008. I feel like 2009 is going to take me out of my comfort zone, and I think I’m going to be kind of an adult by the end of it (kind of). We’ll see. Here’s to the unknown, by far one of my favorite aspects of life.
1)I saw Demetri Martin’s indifferent graffiti, “Toy Story 2 was okay!”, in a New York bathroom,
2) I got a B+ in my winter class.
3) I went to Florida.
4) I convinced far too many people that I was engaged.
5) He surprised me in the mall
6) I had a valentine
7) I spent Valentines day in Philly
8) Lost
9) Joes emotion fueled drive to Jersey
10) Mark got knocked up and I promised to never call him again
11) I bought rollerblades
12) Joe graduated and is finally moving back
13) I played in a poker tournament and wasn’t first out
14) Snoop Dogg watched me dance
15) I talked to the lead singer of Bouncing Souls and he looks a lot older than I expected
16) I got a guitar pick from mxpx.. and gave it to Joe
17) I got all A’s and B’s in the six classes I took in the Spring
18) Mamma got her degree
19) Britt moved back home for good!
20) I saw the spill canvas again
21) I saw Jaime
22) Me and Joe broke up
23) My friends came through
24) rock climbing
25) I started bartending
26) beautiful sunday
27) Went to one of dad’s softball games
28) Saw Barbie and Ken
29) I finally found a new church and started going regularly
30) Having insurance on my electronics paid off twice
31) I saw rainbows. Even a double rainbow. I never see rainbows.
32) I saw the best fireworks in my life, and I always hate fireworks.
33) I met Gavin Schmidt
34) I was able to see Brie and Andrew again
35) I raised my GPA by a higher percent than initially goaled for
36) I saved money!
37) Joe and I tried again, but it didn’t work
38) I bought NutriSystem and lost weight
39) I saw Against Me!
40) I started boxing and kick boxing
41) I made my first Craigslist purchase
42) I got into Rowan
43) I got into Rutgers!!
44) Got in touch with Chris Lezcano
45) Reacquainted with my cousin Andrew
46) Reacquainted with Aubrey and Chelsea.
47) Saw the tree in NYC. I don’t know if I have ever done that.. maybe once.
48) Lost the $100 bet to Josh
49) Hung out with old high-school friends on their 21st’s
50) Had an amazing Christmas
51) Did a secret santa, actually gave a gift this year
52) Bought a gift for my last year’s secret santa, to make up for not getting one for her last year
53) Saw Robert Randolph and the Family Band
54) Became much closer with Kari
55) Had a last festivus at Josh’s, which we all needed
56) and I never mentioned my date with Jesus haha
School is almost over. I have little time to study for my English final on Monday or plan out my oral exam in Spanish for Monday either. So tonight I have to do both. Alongside with Christmas shopping with Brittany. Sunday we’re going to the city. I’m excited about that, especially since fun people are going. Not just drab boring people.
My Biology class. Well, every single person is in fear of failing except one woman: A registered nurse who thinks she’ll be able to pull a C. I figured it out today. Our professor looked at the book once and decided it wasn’t college level. So he doesn’t go by the book, doesn’t go by the curriculum or the syllabus.. only enough to loosely tie in to the lab. He goes by what he feels is college level. Monday a bunch of students are going to the Science Dept. head-chief-president-lord and trying to figure something out to do. I’m trying not to worry over it. If a whole entire class failed, well, we could fight it more easily? Ugh, I just want my money back if anything.. or a C so I can at least transfer it.
Okay, moving on.
I had a bit of an anxiety filled moment the other night. Thinking of Rutgers, and internships, and getting a job. Continuing to move on.
I am totally broke.
But, in other news, I am happy. I love God so much. He is so amazing all the time. I feel so blessed and like.. if this was luck I’d be waiting for it to run out. But it’s not luck, it’s love. And it doesn’t run out. So I am very thankful and grateful and fortunate and happy.
I had two faculty tell me to use them as references. And I was told by my journalism teacher I’m a great writer. And had another story published, this time almost a full page spread. On being a waitress ha. Write what you know they always say.
Somethings just aren’t going to make sense, and you need to just accept that. It’s difficult when you don’t fully understand things, but sometimes you aren’t meant to. I remember learning that in Sunday school.. or somewhere in church. Who are you to think you deserve an explanation for everything? You don’t. Maybe one day it’ll make sense (in this situation it will make sense one day when I’m married and in love) and maybe one day it still won’t make sense. Regardless, it is what it is. You need to have the faith to believe that either way, it’s for the best.
I just hope I’m strong enough to be cool with this forever. But of course, I am.
Friday’s class is awful. I have this professor that rambles on and on, which I usually don’t mind because it means we get through less and there’s less on the tests. Not when I have to sit through it for 3 hours though. Then it’s just torturous, trying not to fall asleep and trying to figure out what to put in my notes. The lab isn’t too bad though, it goes by fast enough once we start doing the work and I’m just learning so I can pass those practicals. Now that I’m home, it’s not so bad. It’s rainy outside, the world is submersed in gray and I can think of nothing other than laying in my bed right now. I’ll take a tiny nap maybe.
I don’t know, for the first time, what I want. Usually I have an inkling, but now I don’t. Outside of what anyone thinks.. just between you and I… who knows. I’m just going to continue living and see what happens. I don’t know how to make things happen, or what is supposed to happen. I know that I want to be loved and adored and bring a smile to someones face and to be the light of their eye and their best friend and the person they turn to for everything. I know I want to love, and adore, and smile, and have a light in my eye and a best friend and someone to turn to for everything. I want that person to be my other half. I don’t know if we make that for eachother. It’s not something you can make. Its just something that would be. Could it be? Yeah I know, that’s the question. But we have our lives and goals to accomplish right now and if we should be or could be or anything, God will help us.
Tonight I might go to Karis, tomorrow work all day, Sunday church and the movies. At least those are the plans. We’ll see what comes.
I want to be better. I have grown, but found a higher plateau. I’m sorry I haven’t been focusing on you these last two weeks. Focusing as in reading as often as I was, going to church or tithing. But I have spoken to you every day, praised you and thanked you. I still thank you. For all I know of you and everything I don’t know. It’s comforting that you’re bigger than me.
I can NOT wait to eat dinner. Im staahving.
So, I can’t tell this to anyone. Not even my own sister. Not my friends. Everyone would be ‘so disappointed’ or look at me differently. Judgingly. As if my word means nothing and I’m not strong. Maybe that is true, but I doubt it.
Last night I went to Escondido’s and got far too drunk. Threw up outside type drunk. Horribly embarrassing, in retrospect. At that moment, not so much. Tony held my hair. Joe was there. We decided to hang out so after Brittany picked me up I snuck out, much to her disapproval, and went to Joe’s. Spent the night together again, like we did ONLY TEN DAYS AGO. But, we were more friends this time. We were able to talk more. Chance at a friendship? Possible. But we really need to work on only being friends.
I have a hickey on my neck. What am I 16? You see, with all the strides I make, I’m still sinful by nature and am constantly messing up. Fortunately, God is constantly forgiving. And I am sorry. For lying, for leaving, for not being stronger.
I’m especially sorry I drank so much. I just wish I could remember our conversation last night a little better.
