Turkey and Swiss

on Rye bread. With mustard, crushed red pepper, basil if I have it, and lettuce.

When I was pulling my sandwich out of the plastic bag, with a side of Baked Cheddar Chips and a coke, I realized I am as average as they come. A normal person, making their lunch and bringing it to work to help save even the few dollars buying a lunch would cost. Saving my money, living really modestly, so much so that it’s habit now.

I’m staying in Belmar for another year. It’s like I’ve been awakened. I really love my roommates and appreciate my life. I want to continue like this for longer.

Hopefully my upcoming raise is enough to quit bartending.

One more summer at the beach with Mark, swimming and tanning all day.

Belmar is my home, and it’s where we fell in love. Every corner, when warmed, holds a memory. The memories keep me smiling when I go running.

I’m thinking next year it may make sense to consider buying a home, which is the thought that prompted this post.

Being able to leave my job and drive to the beach is such an amazing gift.

John and the shore and Mark and Main St. Cheesesteaks and Brittany if she chooses. BBQs and tomato plants.

And then, when this year ends, the things that are in store are incredibly exciting.

I want to spend my life like this, with you.

A few times at work a discussion on love breaks out. Anjel, Nic and I are ALWAYS involved. This time Courtney started it. She asked how I can believe in love seeing as my parent’s themselves are divorced. I explained that once you are in love you can never not believe in it. The problem is that 1) Courtney doesn’t understand how “love” and “was” can ever be in the same sentence. This doesn’t make sense to her. I can understand that. 2) Anjel and Nic have seen too many people “be in love” and then “be in love” again with a new person shortly afterward. I understand this frustration. 3) Sometimes you are never loved as hard as you love. Love takes everything in you- real love. And you fight for it. And when you say it, you mean it. Or at least that’s how it should be. If you’ve been in real love and haven’t had real love given back to you, you begin to become hardened and jaded. I also understand this.

The thing is is that love is hard. And it doesn’t always last forever. And sometimes it isn’t reciprocated properly. These are all risks you take. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And sometimes it falls apart, and you fall out of love. And sometimes after falling in love and then falling out of it the person you once fell for turns out to be someone completely different than you thought. This is also a sad risk, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

I’ve said this before, but there’s a line in the movie Adaptation where Nick Cage’s brother (who I think is also Nick Cage) says that just because it wasn’t mutual doesn’t make the love he felt less valid. This is also true, and this realization changed me and got my through a really tough time at one point long ago.

It’s hard to believe in it when it’s evaded you for so long or when you’ve been severely burnt by love. But the truth is, it’s not love that’s burning you. It’s the person. And people are imperfect. How can something as pure and true as love be handled by imperfect people? It will always get somewhat tainted. It will always at some point be hard. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Will everyone end up with someone? No. Does everyone experience true love? No. Is there someone meant for everyone? I don’t know. But it’s real. And I’ve felt it. And I have fought for it. And I have put everything I had into it. And still, I am single. Yet, I am not without love. I don’t think it wasn’t real. It was very real. Even if it only lasts for a short time- that was love. And I wish I could say that even if I never experienced it again I would still believe in it and still be warmed by its memory. But I can’t say that because I don’t know if I’m that strong. I am imperfect. But I do know it’s real. And I do believe in it. And I do know I’ll find it again- somewhere, with someone.

I think once you lose your faith you lose a lot more than just that.

In a moment I almost forgot

that I could never love you. So, this is kind of pointless now. Because I’ll never love you like I’ve loved before. And truth be told, I want to love like THAT.

So… sucks but I guess… that’s it.

In a rare moment you can remember how good you’ve had it, how sweet your love has been, how beautiful it all is- and then you look around and say No. Absolutely not. I will not settle for this.

proof number 349234598340584842 that God exists: After my post yesterday I went downstairs and Mick had fixed the drive issues completely. I then worked on final cut and after a few emails back and forth with my professor and some tinkering I got it all working. So Sunday shouldn’t be hell. Thank you God. And on top of that I AM learning final cut, which is awesome.

So I had a dream last night> I was in this office and all the guys were interested in me and there was this one guy who I knew was going to ask for my number. So just as I was leaving he got some paper out and I went to give him my number but instead he gave me his. So I got his number and just then one of the guys went to walk me out. He wasn’t the most attractive guy there (the guy who gave me his number was the attractive one). However it was like a magnetic force was pulling us together. He was so confident, didnt care that I just got some guys number. It was as if he knew he was supposed to be with me and I him. The connection between us was so strong that as we were walking (remember we had just met) our hands kept coming together. He said, “wow.” He walked me outside and was walking me to my car, I told him it was pretty far away, but he kept walking with me. It was instant chemistry. We stopped at his house (which was on the way to my car apparently) and hung out. It was as if we had always known one another. That guy who gave me his number was less than a distant memory- he didn’t even exist.

I feel like that’s how it’s going to actually be. Just instant comfort, instant chemistry, magnetism, and every one else will be forgotten. They wont matter anymore.

It put things into perspective a bit. Anyway, I just wanted to remember that dream.

 

Happy Halloween

More Time

So I have lots of free time, really. To do my homework. To clean my room. To do my laundry. To reflect. To work on writing. To sleep. To l0ve my Mom. To like, do everything. I spend 99 percent of that time doing none of those things though. I spend it in my room, or trying to find something to do, or spending money, or sleeping, or avoiding homework like it’s going to actually hurt. But my computer’s cord… well it’s been fraying. And I put tape on it. And yesterday it started sparking but fortunately it did not short out my computer. So I need to buy a new one. But until it comes in I am going to have more time to focus on things other than the intranetz. And in doing so I feel like I am going to be more productive! I remember one time my computer was at the doctor.. because of the screen or the fan or something… I was without it for a few days. Now I have plenty of computers in the house to use, but none to sit on my bed with for hours. So I went to bed earlier. I did shit. I felt like I had more time in my day. So I’m excited that my computer is out of commision for now. Along with that comes this project I have to work on. A ‘visual essay’- a movie. A film. I think it’ll come out well. I’m excited about school. Dammit I’m enjoying it kind of.

I’m very weary of my  money. Eh- weary isn’t right. I WOULD be stressed if it weren’t for my awesome mother. She is paying for what my TAG didn’t pay. She’s paying for my new health insurance that I have to get through school. She’s paying for my DEI fees. She helps me so much because all she wants is for me to “save. Save and finish school. Save so you have money for when you want to move out, or for when you’re ready to have a new car. Save save save.”
I really appreciate her because as she put it, “My mother had me hand my paychecks over to her. All I want is for you to keep yours.”
Since she is being so nice I should really take this opportunity to be responsible. I owe it to her. So instead of spending 100 bucks here or there on life obligations, whatever she spends on me I should match in my bank account. Yes, that’s a NOVEL idea.

And as a final note, last night I went to bed at 11:30. I woke up at 9! Not 9:50. Not 10:25. No I got up I should say at 9 (woke up at 8 but allowed myself to chill and sleep and relax). I had time to shower, do my hair (WHAAAT!?), stop by Meineke, get coffee and breakfast, print papers out and I was still at class on time. Let me tell you, going to bed early is the answer. I wasn’t tired in class today. I’m doing pretty well. I don’t look like a monster.

So that is why people don’t stay up until 3 AM. I geeett ittttt

There are 3 types of sex:

1) Drunken hookups

• these are simply inspired by carnal instincts. all you want it so fuck. the person youre actually having sex with doesn’t matter. it could be anyone. There will be no cuddling.

2) Sex With Love

• This type of sex is the most comfortable. You’re just as comfortable sleeping with them as you are holding their hand. There’s no awkwardness, no worries. Plus, it’s meaningful and filled with (gasp) EMOTION which ladies live on. There will be cuddling afterward.

3) Sex Without Love

• Sex without love is more than drunken hookups, because there’s a chance you do care about that person. But there’s no actual commitment. There probably won’t be cuddling afterward but there will be conversation before and after (unless you fall asleep). There is a certain level of comfort but it isn’t as strong as when there is love involved. Often, these are fuck buddies. Often, someone catches feelings.

I’ve had all three types of sex, and I have to be honest, sex with love is better than anything else. Because you are appreciated for more than your hips. When in love, sex is an expression of how you feel inside. Without love, sex is just two people trying to get off. And eventually, it gets old if there’s nothing else there.

I don’t miss being in love, but I do miss the intimacy of it.

I wonder what’s next for me, in relation to.. relationships. As in, when will this stop and when will I meet someone I actually commit to. Who will I meet? Right now, life is good. I have a job. Schools back. I get to be intellectually stimulated. Fall is coming, and it’s refreshing. I spend some nights out at Nics, which is fun. But spiritually.. I am exhausted. And floundering.

I know what I want in the long run when it comes to my future.. but the life I’m living isn’t one that deserves such blessings.

Nap time.

Life as Ordinary

My ankle is still sore but I was able to walk better on it today. I’m hoping tomorrow it won’t be killing me. First day back at work was okay, made $138. I had this one table though, these two innocent yet terrible girls who sat for almost a full hour and a half after closing. Dave and I had to then wait until Sue was done because she let the cooks go home. I like how I have a repore with the cooks these days. It makes everything easier. Nic called me while I was working and because Sue was there and this table wouldn’t leave, leaving me with nothing to do until they left, I took it. We talked about our sagas and it put everything into perspective. It’s not that bad, living life unattached. It looks worse than it is. And really it makes you stronger. To have the bravery and strength to let go is a beautiful thing, and sometimes you need to get to the point and say, “Enough is enough.” I’m excited about the unknown, it just sucks when life feels uneventful. But its then that you become yourself.

I’m looking forward to writing this book. I was thinking about getting published on my way back from dog sitting at my dads, and it made me cry. I guess I really want that, more than I knew.

Killing Time

I feel like I let myself become cheap. I allowed myself to be used as an emotional safety net. I mean, neither of us are in love with eachother yet I allowed myself to act like there was some reason to still sleep together and there isn’t. I know that.

But its not like a desperate thing, or a holding on to something that isn’t there thing. It’s a… filling a void thing. Because no matter how great life is, and how fulfilled you are in it…after a while there’s moments that slowly creep in and you begin to miss having someone. And the soft stroke of a hand on your back can really distract you sometimes.  But afterwards, youre left just as empty (if not emptier). You do go home alone. You don’t have meaningful conversation. The ties of love that hold up the mattress aren’t there, and without it sex is just sex, and it’s a bad thing. A good beautiful thing turns bad. And it keeps us from actually being some sort of friends, and it causes problems, and fights, and hurt feelings that really have no right to be hurt other than for the fact that two days ago we had slept together. It’s more like a cancer on something we’re trying to make clean after all this time. Seeing as I don’t want to completely fuck my life over by becoming emotionally empty or numbed or hardened, and seeing as I really want to live Gods way and I really want to meet the guy God has for me, I’m okay with it being done. It’ll save me a lot.

This trip, this dreaded scary but wonderfully beautiful trip is a life raft. It’s pulling me out of a flood of bad decisions and bringing me to clarity. It’ll keeping my summer from being a waste. It’s going to show me everything I need to feel in my heart. It’ll replenish me. My writers block has thawed for sure, but it’ll completely melt it away. It’ll distract me. It’ll be an adventure. I’ll have fun. I’ll laugh. I’ll be doing something of SUBSTANCE rather than drinking. I mean, I just need to break out of this mold. don’t we all though?

The Feeling

It’s a fire, originating in your heart, moving straight up to your head. Past your face, where it lingers enough to give it a light buzz, and up to your brain. The fire roars inside your chest, down to your stomach, making your arms and shoulders warm. Your face is warm. Your body buzzes. It’s like electricity paired with flames. Your eyes are half open. You feel excited, and happy. At peace. You feel like talking a mile a minute. Almost like being on cocaine, except you could fall asleep if you wanted. It reminds you of being in love. This feeling. And you see why and how it is so addicting. And then, you feel slight remorse as it ceases to intensify. Like a ball thrown in the air, it only goes so high until it stops completely, midair. After that moment, it’ll only go downward. That’s where you are. You’re midair, as high as you can get, expecting nothing less. And then you begin to fall.

On Soul Mates

Initially I didn’t agree with that excerpt from Eat Pray Love, but now I kind of do after it was explained a little differently by Wendie Tobin:

“I think there are two types of relationships: soul mates and puzzles.

Upon reflection, CT was probably a soul mate for me. It’s exactly why our friendship spontaneously combusted so many years ago. He possessed every great quality that I also have. And every bad quality, as well. Mirror image. Which is different than puzzles where a piece that juts out snaps into a piece that is concave. Mirror image unions leave deficiencies since the flaws and failings are the same and shared. Puzzle piece relationships provide more coverage. One person’s strength compensates for the other’s weakness-yin and yang. Balance. Symbiosis.”

This idea makes more sense to me. In fact, it makes SO much sense to me. I’m going to get out of this wasted hungover headache bed and get me a copy of that book. Also, I hope I get my period soon….