godlike

I hesitate to write things in here at times because I sense that I feel like I get it off my chest, and then I don’t do anything with it. Like this is a vault filled with really good ideas.. if only I ever did anything with them other than jotting them down. But, I am tired of being my own god.

Listen, I do whatever I want and I have some moral gauge but I kind of ignore it constantly. I’m like queen of the moment. It’s getting old. Actually, it’s gotten old. I’m tired of being the ruler of my own life. I’m ready to let God take his position back. With that comes work and it’s that very work that has so often kept me from doing what I know I have to do eventually- give up the reigns and live better. I know the fulfillment you get when you live a life that is designed by God . I feel like selfish reasons guide my interest in getting back to God- I’LL be happier. I’LL be more fulfilled. I’LL skip hell. You know.. that stuff. But the truth is I miss it and it’s a huge part of me and a huge part of why I haven’t been fulfilled in so long. Also, that selflessness I lack comes in time.

The very fact that loneliness is any type of reason behind anything in my life is just proof of where I am and where I should be. I gotta admit I am lonely (boohoo). But the temporary relief I’ve been chasing after no longer relieves much at all. In fact, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, because either way I’m not left fulfilled.

I think I’m ready to find the true me. That WOMAN I’ve talked about.. that SOMEDAY WOMAN.. that person I see myself being when I’m “grown up”… well she isn’t going to appear out of nowhere. It’s not like I’ll turn 30 and suddenly be spiritually fulfilled and in tune and on track. My relationship with God is a very special one. We really do have a relationship and the communication has never ceased.. ever. I constantly every day feel Him. His presence is so obvious to me. I always feel it. Unfortunately, lately there hasn’t been much conversation. It’s been more Him whispering to me and me turning my radio up higher, you know?

But for what? Look at me in control here, what has it gotten me? Well, I’m alive and well and I laugh a lot and have fun a lot and my friends are good friends and I enjoy them. But other than that, I am not fulfilled. It’s funny, because I try to find purpose in my day-to-day tasks, yet I have no REAL purpose day to day.

Regardless of whatever that means, I love God and I feel so lucky to know Him. I am ready to let go of my stereotypes and just follow my faith and reconstruct my relationship. I mean all those things I used to hate about Christianity.. those are the flaws of individuals. I can’t judge them for their flaws nor can I allow them to keep me from actually living the life I’m supposed to. If I do that, I’m the sucker. I’m the one suffering.

Faith. The reason I am “lonely” (boohoox2) is because I have lost my faith. I used to never worry about relationships because I just KNEW in time God would bring me to whoever and until then I would just live a good life and do all the other things I want to do. But as I started to compromise myself and stopped cutting things off when God told me to (like I used to do so fervently in the past) I started to lose my belief that it would all work out. Its so foreign to me, to worry. And once I really recognized that I was holding on to whatever I could in order to keep from the realization that I am actually single (this is the first time I’ve felt single in the last 2.5 years) I realized that something has changed in me. And that change is a negative one. So now I’m ready to face my fears sort of speak.

I love life and it is so beautiful. I want to be beautiful again. Washed and clean and anew. You know, the real me. The me that I don’t know but who has been dormant and patiently waiting. Blech, this talk. I know what I’m saying. I dont really have that many regrets, it’s not like I was whoring it up and doing lines off of the bathroom floor at McDonald’s. But there is so much more in store and in the end, I’m just selling myself short. Screw that.

I’m coming back.

I have my picture

I’m rewriting this in actual words that actually mean something.

I haven’t been having fun lately. Lately as in, the past 8 months. I have been confused, stressed, saaaad, nauseous and struggling to feel ‘normal’. But I haven’t been enjoying a whole lot. I’d lost the fun when out with friends. I lost wanting to hang out with friends. I lost the appreciation for people and I lost whatever spontaneity I had.

But recently, in the past month or two, I made a mental decision to start having fun again. It just took me a while to realize I had stopped enjoying things.

And I have been having fun. Sober fun, drunk fun, sister fun, friends fun. I’ve made efforts to hang out with people I usually don’t, to go out when I usually wouldn’t to places I usually wouldn’t, etc. I didn’t do this so much in the recent past because I didn’t- I don’t like to distract myself from life. I like to realize what’s wrong and to then deal with it. Of course I sometimes distract myself, but for the most part, I don’t. I mean I wish I could a lot of the time! But I feel like it’s not genuine. To ignore your mental state or your emotional state is irresponsible to yourself. And it just backlogs everything and you end up with a wall of issues to eventually tackle.

I guess I’m getting back to normal. I’m talking real actual normal. Me 2 years ago normal. The state of Che that exists alone.. yeah I’m getting there. To the place where I recognize myself again. To a place where my mannerisms are mine, my words are mine, my thoughts are mine. To the place where I’m totally disconnected from the past and back to me. That state of normalcy. And that’s a good thing.

But after last night… I don’t want to rack up mistakes. I don’t want to have regret. I want to be good in God’s eyes! But then nights like last night happen and I think on one hand, it was fun and I don’t regret it and it actually did me some good. But then there’s that other part, the ‘I’mmmmmm an idiot’ part.

Back to normal is good, but I just hope I can stay on God’s path. It’s easy to be on it when you’re self searching constantly.. really looking within. It’s easy to be on it when you feel alone, and God is all you have. It’s easy to be on it when you’re not being asked to do anything, but instead you’re being comforted.

But when I stop looking deep into myself for a while, when I don’t need as much comfort, when I’m not completely alone*, when I am being asked to change, when my mind begins to wander… it’s then that the real struggle begins. I don’t want to be all ‘holy-holy-holy’ only when my world is crashing and I’m in need of a savior. I want to be consistent with my relationship during the times when I don’t feel such a desperate need for Him as well.
(Not that I don’t need God, because I do. I do do dodododododdoo. I am a mess without Him. A completely hopeless walking disaster.)

*I say I don’t feel alone because I had, along with giving up fun, curled up into myself. I stopped talking about what was ailing me, and it wasn’t good. I felt like I had such weight in my heart, and no one knew. So just recently I realized this, that I had resigned myself to walk life without any help, and I decided to do the opposite. I’ve been open lately, honest. I stopped caring how I looked and I gave up trying to uphold any type of reputation and I just let my heart speak for itself. Being honest with those in my life has helped me to become more honest with myself, which I think is why I realize so much lately. I have quit trying to reassure everything. For example, I’d always write “Dont get me wrong, I’m happy” or “I don’t care about this” or “Yeah things are good for the most part” and I’d usually follow it or precede it with just a hint of truth. The issue I really should have talked about but didn’t because I didn’t want anyone knowing what was going down, and I don’t think I wanted to really stare at my ‘pathetic’ truth. But not anymore. Not here. Because if I let my voice fade, I’ll read back here and everything will be a carbon copy of every other entry. If I’m not honest in here, whats the point of writing?
If I’m not honest with my friends, whats the point in calling them my confidants?
If I’m not honest with myself, well then.. whats the point of anything.

Ahhh

I feel much better! Being stuck home was terrible for my mind. Getting outside, going back to school, feeling better has HEALED my brain. So did a short convo with Rachel. That rut I’ve been in is gone.

All is fine, I just needed to allow myself to be me.

Let’s Talk About

being crazy. Which I totally am, sometimes.

If left on it’s own, my brain will flow into weird places and kind of get stuck there. And then I’ll switch to autopilot and continue in my same monotonous self-destructive tasks until all of a sudden (if I’m lucky) a moment of clarity will emerge and I’ll be like “Oh yeah, wait.. what am I doing this for? I’m beyond this.” And then I’ll stop. I become a robot fueled on boredom.

It all results from boredom. It’s true. And why am I bored? Because I let myself be incredibly lazy at times. And why do I let myself be lazy? Because I have no idea what I want to do! Ever.
There’s a study that says basically, the brain can’t predict emotional responses to things that haven’t happened yet. In other words, there’s no true way to know what will bring you the feelings youre craving, so there’s no way you can know what you want. Because your brain literally cant process what will give you the feelings you’re looking for. Yes you can guess- like “hmm maybe if I was driving on an open road that restlessness would leave” but theres no real way to know that. So, because it’s impossible to know what you want, you really just have to go with the flow. And thats what I’m doing. Im riding this life out right now. I’m fucking, existing.

Let’s be real. I’m on the crest of a ‘new day’ if you want to call it that. Or, I’m in the new day. I’d rather be on the crest of a new day because that means I haven’t stumbled into it yet. But most likely, this is the new day. The beginning part of it anyway. The blended part. The part where the old day is turning into the new day, that shady part.. thats where I am.
So, it’s kind of a restless state. I can see perfectly all that I’m leaving behind, but I can’t see an inch into the future. Not at all. Let’s hope I’m blinded by the brightness of my future, but who knows. Regardless, I do feel restless. Like.. there was all this excitement (“You women love the drama”) and now there isn’t excitement. There’s responsibility, a lot of responsibility. But that isn’t excitement. And so, full circle, out comes the crazy. Resorting to the old things that gave me excitement. Ridiculous!

Mainly I’m not fulfilled. But how could I be? I dream of warmer states and places where I’m a stranger. Meanwhile, I commute to Rutgers 4 days a week from the town I’ve lived in for 11 years and work at the same restaurant I’ve been at for nearly 3 years. I’m not a stranger. The servers at The Court Jester KNOW me, because I’m a regular. Haha. See, I’m a townee I guess. And I will be, until I graduate. Which is good, because at least there’s an end to this road. It’s not like I’m stuck here forever. It’s not like I’ve graduated and am still here for lack of other options. Anyway- it’s not a big deal.

I’m happy with my overall life.

I just happen to have dreams that I need to be fulfilled. Eventually. I am dissatisfied (at times) and restless (at times). That is why I sometimes feel crazy. In reality, I’m just chillin, working on school, and planning the things I will do when the opportunity arises.

The moral of this story is: Patience. I need it. I have patience usually. Just some moments I get exasperated.

And God is great. I mean, He is always there, helping me along. Chillin me out. Loving me. Giving me hope.
But sometimes I feel myself getting annoyed at being so ‘faithful’ and I’m like “Hey! I need something over here! Throw me a line already!” But I need to remember that if I continue being patient, and following Him, all will make sense eventually. My dreams will come true, I will finish school, I’ll get the adventure and excitement back (only this time it will be healthier and fulfilling) and everything will be done as He wants it, so then everything will be far more fulfilling than if I had done it on my own.

See, that makes me feel better.

Thank God I’m going to England in May! I really, really need a trip to somewhere new.

It Doesn’t Even Make Sense

I was reading old posts from my old journal today and what?! It doesn’t make a lick of sense. It’s like.. sensible.. sensible.. doing well.. things are good.. BAM. What? Where did that even come from? It’s like listening to an opera and then all of a sudden death metal screeches in your ear. What? No, that doesn’t work.

But anyway, I found something I wrote Oct of 2007:

Faith. It’s strange because I’m so trusting and faithful about the weirdest things. About things that most people are fearful over. The future. My one day husband. Jobs. Finances. But I’m so anxiety ridden about other things. School. Being free. Being able to travel.
It’s as if I know God is in control of what He is, and that’s what I’m at peace with. But when it comes to the aspects I’m in control over, I freak out. As if subconsciously I know I’m going to drop the ball. I just need to have faith to know even then, He’ll help me pick everything back up. It’s good to know this. To know God.
*

So, it’s interesting that I wrote that I’m anxious over being free. That still makes so much sense. But I never would have worded it that way these days. And the rest of it is still relevant as well. I worry very little except when it comes to things I have control over, because I think I’m messing it up or missing out.

Looking back, wow. Really. I wonder now, looking one day on THESE articles.. what will I think then? Do I make sense now? I believe I do. I also believe that my biggest problem is this: I’m bored. I am.
And I take it out on Maureen, apparently. Because she called me ‘snippy’ today. Maybe I am. Or maybe she just annoys me sometimes.

I am looking forward to the gym tonight. Two days in a row. Holler.