Today I Am Depressed

It all started in my Digital Media class, we have to make a presentation on Keynote instead of powerpoint. I don’t use Apple. I don’t know how to use a Mac. And regardless of how “user-friendly” it is, I don’t get it. And I became overwhelmed. Exasperated. Exhausted. Enraged.

So, I finally leave there and I got grumpier with each step I took. I know now what I want to do. I am moving west the day I graduate. Maybe not the day.. but see…

I always envisioned the road trip as the be all and end all. It was my goal. And now it’s done. And so I have been wondering what I would want to do next, but since that spark.. that burning neeeeed to leave had been fulfilled, it wasn’t really that high on my list of concerns. Until suddenly, the spark has been reignited. I’ve been home for barely over a month and already that damn spark is back. Oh passion. Anyway after thinking about it I decided something. My mom was saying that since I don’t need to start paying back my loans until 6 month after I graduate, I should use that time to travel. I was fully expecting myself to do Teach for America for a year. But I don’t think I want to anymore. I decided that since Brittany is going to be in school for 2 years more after I graduate (including her masters.. damn girl making me look bad) I can’t just wait around for her. Yes we have plans to move outta here together, but I don’t want to just get a job in the city with Adam while I wait for her. Because 2 years of that will change me, and I’ll see my benefits and my security and my promotions and I’ll be locked in. I’ll miss out on my dreams. I don’t want that. Not yet. So, I am going to move by myself. Just me. To a city where I don’t know anyone. And I’m just going to live there. I’ll have a little porch maybe and grass and I’ll sit outside with a sweatshirt and a drink, my music playing, and I’ll breathe in the crisp mountainous air and I’ll be content.

You see, the writer in me has more than emerged. It is taking over. I can’t stop daydreaming. I can’t stop doodling. My notebooks look like that of a child with ADD. I can’t stop writing little poems or ridiculous nothings. Nothing substantial.. the creativity is just oozing though. And being away and somewhere new will enhance that. I’m not fighting it anymore. I might even be going crazy. But that’s a good thing. The best writing comes out of my craziness.

And so, where will I move? I’m not sure yet. I liked Denver. I liked Portland too. I could move to a surrounding area by one of those two cities. But you know, the Portland thing probably won’t happen. But it’s a year or a year and a half away, so I’m sure that if anyone I know is moving to Portland they’ll do it by then. Otherwise.. I’m going where I want to go.

And soon.. I am just going to go.

And I’ve also realized why we perpetuated our mistakes for so long. We needed reminders as to why it was doomed. We’re very forgetful.

I am even forgetful at times still.

Regardless, I want to be by the Pacific, but I want it to be overcast and gray and beautiful, and springy/fallish. I want to see the huge waves crash on dark rocks with heavy fog as its backdrop. And that my friends is the pacific northwest.

But maybe I”ll settle for the Rockies in the distance.

I don’t know yet.

I feel better.

Killing Time

I feel like I let myself become cheap. I allowed myself to be used as an emotional safety net. I mean, neither of us are in love with eachother yet I allowed myself to act like there was some reason to still sleep together and there isn’t. I know that.

But its not like a desperate thing, or a holding on to something that isn’t there thing. It’s a… filling a void thing. Because no matter how great life is, and how fulfilled you are in it…after a while there’s moments that slowly creep in and you begin to miss having someone. And the soft stroke of a hand on your back can really distract you sometimes.  But afterwards, youre left just as empty (if not emptier). You do go home alone. You don’t have meaningful conversation. The ties of love that hold up the mattress aren’t there, and without it sex is just sex, and it’s a bad thing. A good beautiful thing turns bad. And it keeps us from actually being some sort of friends, and it causes problems, and fights, and hurt feelings that really have no right to be hurt other than for the fact that two days ago we had slept together. It’s more like a cancer on something we’re trying to make clean after all this time. Seeing as I don’t want to completely fuck my life over by becoming emotionally empty or numbed or hardened, and seeing as I really want to live Gods way and I really want to meet the guy God has for me, I’m okay with it being done. It’ll save me a lot.

This trip, this dreaded scary but wonderfully beautiful trip is a life raft. It’s pulling me out of a flood of bad decisions and bringing me to clarity. It’ll keeping my summer from being a waste. It’s going to show me everything I need to feel in my heart. It’ll replenish me. My writers block has thawed for sure, but it’ll completely melt it away. It’ll distract me. It’ll be an adventure. I’ll have fun. I’ll laugh. I’ll be doing something of SUBSTANCE rather than drinking. I mean, I just need to break out of this mold. don’t we all though?

Ahhh

I feel much better! Being stuck home was terrible for my mind. Getting outside, going back to school, feeling better has HEALED my brain. So did a short convo with Rachel. That rut I’ve been in is gone.

All is fine, I just needed to allow myself to be me.

Now, To Actually Do It..

I figured it out today. I had a long conversation with myself, which was also with God. Prompted by my dissatisfaction lately. I went full into it. Where I am, where I want to be, why I want to do the things I want to do, what that requires, and how it all boils down to me becoming who God wants me to be, and the fact that I know I’m not there yet due to the unquenchable longing still sitting in my heart. Which won’t be quenched until I learn to sacrifice for God. “Where’s the change?” That whole thing. Where IS the change in me? Yeah I’ve been Christian for a long time, my entire life was centered around God. So it’s like, there is no dramatic change because I’ve always tried to do what I’ve always known I was supposed to do. But change is still required. And so I need to pinpoint where. Especially because for the past few months I’ve felt this relationship I have is very one sided, and it’s ME weighing it down. It makes so much sense now. THATS what God’s been saying. He does all for me, but I am not doing anything for Him. Duh duh duh.

After talking with God I feel better because I feel like I have it figured out somewhat. And none of this had to do with careers or anything. It was all about personal life struggles. How grateful I am to have God. Otherwise, I don’t know how people deal with life.

Okay, onward.

Let’s Talk About

being crazy. Which I totally am, sometimes.

If left on it’s own, my brain will flow into weird places and kind of get stuck there. And then I’ll switch to autopilot and continue in my same monotonous self-destructive tasks until all of a sudden (if I’m lucky) a moment of clarity will emerge and I’ll be like “Oh yeah, wait.. what am I doing this for? I’m beyond this.” And then I’ll stop. I become a robot fueled on boredom.

It all results from boredom. It’s true. And why am I bored? Because I let myself be incredibly lazy at times. And why do I let myself be lazy? Because I have no idea what I want to do! Ever.
There’s a study that says basically, the brain can’t predict emotional responses to things that haven’t happened yet. In other words, there’s no true way to know what will bring you the feelings youre craving, so there’s no way you can know what you want. Because your brain literally cant process what will give you the feelings you’re looking for. Yes you can guess- like “hmm maybe if I was driving on an open road that restlessness would leave” but theres no real way to know that. So, because it’s impossible to know what you want, you really just have to go with the flow. And thats what I’m doing. Im riding this life out right now. I’m fucking, existing.

Let’s be real. I’m on the crest of a ‘new day’ if you want to call it that. Or, I’m in the new day. I’d rather be on the crest of a new day because that means I haven’t stumbled into it yet. But most likely, this is the new day. The beginning part of it anyway. The blended part. The part where the old day is turning into the new day, that shady part.. thats where I am.
So, it’s kind of a restless state. I can see perfectly all that I’m leaving behind, but I can’t see an inch into the future. Not at all. Let’s hope I’m blinded by the brightness of my future, but who knows. Regardless, I do feel restless. Like.. there was all this excitement (“You women love the drama”) and now there isn’t excitement. There’s responsibility, a lot of responsibility. But that isn’t excitement. And so, full circle, out comes the crazy. Resorting to the old things that gave me excitement. Ridiculous!

Mainly I’m not fulfilled. But how could I be? I dream of warmer states and places where I’m a stranger. Meanwhile, I commute to Rutgers 4 days a week from the town I’ve lived in for 11 years and work at the same restaurant I’ve been at for nearly 3 years. I’m not a stranger. The servers at The Court Jester KNOW me, because I’m a regular. Haha. See, I’m a townee I guess. And I will be, until I graduate. Which is good, because at least there’s an end to this road. It’s not like I’m stuck here forever. It’s not like I’ve graduated and am still here for lack of other options. Anyway- it’s not a big deal.

I’m happy with my overall life.

I just happen to have dreams that I need to be fulfilled. Eventually. I am dissatisfied (at times) and restless (at times). That is why I sometimes feel crazy. In reality, I’m just chillin, working on school, and planning the things I will do when the opportunity arises.

The moral of this story is: Patience. I need it. I have patience usually. Just some moments I get exasperated.

And God is great. I mean, He is always there, helping me along. Chillin me out. Loving me. Giving me hope.
But sometimes I feel myself getting annoyed at being so ‘faithful’ and I’m like “Hey! I need something over here! Throw me a line already!” But I need to remember that if I continue being patient, and following Him, all will make sense eventually. My dreams will come true, I will finish school, I’ll get the adventure and excitement back (only this time it will be healthier and fulfilling) and everything will be done as He wants it, so then everything will be far more fulfilling than if I had done it on my own.

See, that makes me feel better.

Thank God I’m going to England in May! I really, really need a trip to somewhere new.

Pieces of Peace

There is more. Always, there is more.

It is not enough to go to school. It is not enough to work. It is not enough to go out with my sister. It is not enough to have dinner with friends. It is not enough to have phone calls. It is not enough to plan movie dates. It is not enough to have everyone around who is around.

Looking at that, my memory was jogged and I saw myself with my plans. Like today’s plans of movie and dads. Like tomorrows plans of movies with Nic and going to Alana and Bobby’s. Like Tuesday’s plans of sleeping at Josh’s. Like every Wednesday’s plans. Of Rachel’s phone calls and how much I love her.

My life looks full. It is full. But still I am not content. And I wholeheartedly believe I need to change my relationship with God. It’s not bad, but it feels one sided at times. I’m asking and praying all the time, but what I am doing for him? It can never be an equal relationship so I need to do whatever he asks of me in order to give back something to Him who gives me everything. But I don’t know what he’s asking of me right now! Maybe just to read and go to church.. which yes I could definitely improve on. But I feel like it should be something more exciting. And maybe that’s just it. I just need to do whatever He wants.

All in an attempt to find peace. I looked up a Christian club at Rutgers and found some multi-ethnic christian something or other, and it didn’t interest me. But I wish it had.

The Recap I Always Do

Alright, how should I write this.

The year started off beautifully. New York, in love, champagne, surrounded by my boyfriend’s friends, all of whom I liked. At that time, it was the perfect beginning of my year.

The year will end surrounded by my friends, mixed drinks, karaoke, food, and all the New Year’s kisses I can reach for. At this time, that is perfect.

Everything that has happened in between is a blur of sorts. My biggest accomplishment was school, seeing as I finally finished Brookdale and was accepted into Rutgers. This was a goal of mine (to finish and find a new school). At times, it really stressed me out. I remember crying in the library, so unsure of where I even wanted to go. But I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I wanted to also be with Joe, so I was considering places in other states when in actuality, Jersey is best for me right now. I did, also, realize that when in a new place you appreciate things about it that the locals take for granted. So put those rose colored glasses on when you’re here, at home. You’ll find a lot of beauty.
I didn’t do everything I had hoped to do this year. I didn’t pay off my credit card, but I’m so close it’s going to be done before I know it. I didn’t quit smoking either. And I never visited Shari. But a few things didn’t happen that I’m fortunate for. My mom didn’t move. I didn’t have to get my own place. I did, however, learn more Spanish. If 2007 was the year of business, and 2008 was the year of intellect (that’s how I worded it last year, and I’m always right) then what can I brand 2009?
2008 held change for me yes, but it was more a preparatory year. I had to finish up with the loose ends of Brookdale. In that time, I was indecisive and at times crazy but overall, I did what I had to do. So I was in love, and then I wasn’t. I had my friends, and then some of them weren’t my friends so much anymore. I think 2008 was a year that held a lot of intrinsic value. I became more confident and did what I wanted, because I stopped caring about the opinions of others. Sometimes this worked against me, but I don’t mind. I also allowed myself to live off of emotions for a bit, which is always beautiful, though also always retarded. By the end of 2008 I was very thankful to God. He has done a lot for me, and recently has been reaching out to me. I learned more about God this year than I have in a long time.
So, 2009.. where would I like to see you? 2009 just may be the year of adventure. Oh, that’s exciting.
Adventures include: New school, internships!, England, possible road trip with Sharkey..
I think just the fact that my future is coming into focus makes me excited. I really am anxious to get my hands on this English major. I am really glad that I’m following my gut doing what makes the most sense. So my goals for 2009.. I’d like to stop procrastinating and gossiping, I’d like to pay my credit card, go the gym, and I’d like to be content with myself. Physically and internally. Also, I struggle with my writing identity, so I’d like to find it. And lastly, I’d like to earn really good grades because this is my last chance at a super fly GPA, and I’d like to intern.

Why are these things an adventure? Because it’s new, uncharted territory for me.. it’s exciting terrain I’ve yet to explore.

Good bye 2008. I feel like 2009 is going to take me out of my comfort zone, and I think I’m going to be kind of an adult by the end of it (kind of). We’ll see. Here’s to the unknown, by far one of my favorite aspects of life.

1)I saw Demetri Martin’s indifferent graffiti, “Toy Story 2 was okay!”, in a New York bathroom,
2) I got a B+ in my winter class.
3) I went to Florida.
4) I convinced far too many people that I was engaged.
5) He surprised me in the mall
6) I had a valentine
7) I spent Valentines day in Philly
8) Lost
9) Joes emotion fueled drive to Jersey
10) Mark got knocked up and I promised to never call him again
11) I bought rollerblades
12) Joe graduated and is finally moving back
13) I played in a poker tournament and wasn’t first out
14) Snoop Dogg watched me dance
15) I talked to the lead singer of Bouncing Souls and he looks a lot older than I expected
16) I got a guitar pick from mxpx.. and gave it to Joe
17) I got all A’s and B’s in the six classes I took in the Spring
18) Mamma got her degree
19) Britt moved back home for good!
20) I saw the spill canvas again
21) I saw Jaime
22) Me and Joe broke up
23) My friends came through
24) rock climbing
25) I started bartending
26) beautiful sunday
27) Went to one of dad’s softball games
28) Saw Barbie and Ken
29) I finally found a new church and started going regularly
30) Having insurance on my electronics paid off twice
31) I saw rainbows. Even a double rainbow. I never see rainbows.
32) I saw the best fireworks in my life, and I always hate fireworks.
33) I met Gavin Schmidt
34) I was able to see Brie and Andrew again
35) I raised my GPA by a higher percent than initially goaled for
36) I saved money!
37) Joe and I tried again, but it didn’t work
38) I bought NutriSystem and lost weight
39) I saw Against Me!
40) I started boxing and kick boxing
41) I made my first Craigslist purchase
42) I got into Rowan
43) I got into Rutgers!!
44) Got in touch with Chris Lezcano
45) Reacquainted with my cousin Andrew
46) Reacquainted with Aubrey and Chelsea.
47) Saw the tree in NYC. I don’t know if I have ever done that.. maybe once.
48) Lost the $100 bet to Josh
49) Hung out with old high-school friends on their 21st’s
50) Had an amazing Christmas
51) Did a secret santa, actually gave a gift this year
52) Bought a gift for my last year’s secret santa, to make up for not getting one for her last year
53) Saw Robert Randolph and the Family Band
54) Became much closer with Kari
55) Had a last festivus at Josh’s, which we all needed
56) and I never mentioned my date with Jesus haha

Lately, life has been fun. But, there is something missing. My friends are great and all, but I miss having that one person. I don’t know why I miss it, it’s like the grass is always greener. But I don’t want a relationship, persay, I kind of want that pre-relationship. Before it gets really comfortable, but not when it’s awkward. When you know eachother kind of well but still have a lot more to learn, and you have a lot of fun hanging out, but you’re still very self-aware and of course, flirtatious.

Or maybe I want the part where we’re each others refuge. By then you’re really close and going out. But I miss the comfortable, not worrying about anything type of cuddling where you’re just with that person, relaxing, and very happy. I don’t know why this is on my mind right now. I’ll probably be single for 1.5-2 years anyway. That’s always how long I’ve gone in between. And I have decided also that I don’t want to have sex ever again until I’m married. I decided that right after things ended with Joe. SO I suppose that means I will have to wait possibly longer to date, seeing as now I have to find some guy who will actually wait too.

In other, less pathetic news, Jordan was in the hospital for a few days because of lung disease, or so my dad put it. Turns out it was some type of meningitis, but dad wouldn’t talk to me about it on the phone. So tonight I guess I’ll find out if Jordan is alive or not.