A Fingertips Distance

So my mom and Mick are having issues and yeah it’s kind of serious, but also in marriages, you have issues and work through them. I suppose though my faith in my mom being able to work through things is a bit shallow, seeing as for so long things weren’t possibly work through-able for her. Or she just didn’t want to. And now I feel that though she could work through things, who knows if she wants to. Maybe she’s someone quick to throw in the towel. Maybe not.

The only evidence I have that relationships can work is through the marriage between my Dad and Dina. And my faith in love arises solely from their relationship and from the love of God. Because I betray and let down God so often, and he continuously forgives me, I see what true love is capable of. I know God’s love for me is the purest and best example of love to ever exist, and that no man will ever be able to love me like God loves me, but I think I believe I will find someone who loves me as close as possible to that.

I still get nervous when my mom fights. Like I’m 12 years old again. It would be nice to have someone who loves me that I could talk to about with it. Someone who would turn to me and say, “You know, we’ll never be like that.” But also, I have God. And every one who has ever said that to me ended up disappearing, for whatever reasons. I’m okay with that. I’m also fully aware of what I need to accomplish. And I have the faith to know that someone is out there, so I’m never worried over it.

Love is real, that I believe. I learned that from my father. I will never stop believing that. One day for sure I’ll experience love for real myself.

The Recap I Always Do

Alright, how should I write this.

The year started off beautifully. New York, in love, champagne, surrounded by my boyfriend’s friends, all of whom I liked. At that time, it was the perfect beginning of my year.

The year will end surrounded by my friends, mixed drinks, karaoke, food, and all the New Year’s kisses I can reach for. At this time, that is perfect.

Everything that has happened in between is a blur of sorts. My biggest accomplishment was school, seeing as I finally finished Brookdale and was accepted into Rutgers. This was a goal of mine (to finish and find a new school). At times, it really stressed me out. I remember crying in the library, so unsure of where I even wanted to go. But I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I wanted to also be with Joe, so I was considering places in other states when in actuality, Jersey is best for me right now. I did, also, realize that when in a new place you appreciate things about it that the locals take for granted. So put those rose colored glasses on when you’re here, at home. You’ll find a lot of beauty.
I didn’t do everything I had hoped to do this year. I didn’t pay off my credit card, but I’m so close it’s going to be done before I know it. I didn’t quit smoking either. And I never visited Shari. But a few things didn’t happen that I’m fortunate for. My mom didn’t move. I didn’t have to get my own place. I did, however, learn more Spanish. If 2007 was the year of business, and 2008 was the year of intellect (that’s how I worded it last year, and I’m always right) then what can I brand 2009?
2008 held change for me yes, but it was more a preparatory year. I had to finish up with the loose ends of Brookdale. In that time, I was indecisive and at times crazy but overall, I did what I had to do. So I was in love, and then I wasn’t. I had my friends, and then some of them weren’t my friends so much anymore. I think 2008 was a year that held a lot of intrinsic value. I became more confident and did what I wanted, because I stopped caring about the opinions of others. Sometimes this worked against me, but I don’t mind. I also allowed myself to live off of emotions for a bit, which is always beautiful, though also always retarded. By the end of 2008 I was very thankful to God. He has done a lot for me, and recently has been reaching out to me. I learned more about God this year than I have in a long time.
So, 2009.. where would I like to see you? 2009 just may be the year of adventure. Oh, that’s exciting.
Adventures include: New school, internships!, England, possible road trip with Sharkey..
I think just the fact that my future is coming into focus makes me excited. I really am anxious to get my hands on this English major. I am really glad that I’m following my gut doing what makes the most sense. So my goals for 2009.. I’d like to stop procrastinating and gossiping, I’d like to pay my credit card, go the gym, and I’d like to be content with myself. Physically and internally. Also, I struggle with my writing identity, so I’d like to find it. And lastly, I’d like to earn really good grades because this is my last chance at a super fly GPA, and I’d like to intern.

Why are these things an adventure? Because it’s new, uncharted territory for me.. it’s exciting terrain I’ve yet to explore.

Good bye 2008. I feel like 2009 is going to take me out of my comfort zone, and I think I’m going to be kind of an adult by the end of it (kind of). We’ll see. Here’s to the unknown, by far one of my favorite aspects of life.

1)I saw Demetri Martin’s indifferent graffiti, “Toy Story 2 was okay!”, in a New York bathroom,
2) I got a B+ in my winter class.
3) I went to Florida.
4) I convinced far too many people that I was engaged.
5) He surprised me in the mall
6) I had a valentine
7) I spent Valentines day in Philly
8) Lost
9) Joes emotion fueled drive to Jersey
10) Mark got knocked up and I promised to never call him again
11) I bought rollerblades
12) Joe graduated and is finally moving back
13) I played in a poker tournament and wasn’t first out
14) Snoop Dogg watched me dance
15) I talked to the lead singer of Bouncing Souls and he looks a lot older than I expected
16) I got a guitar pick from mxpx.. and gave it to Joe
17) I got all A’s and B’s in the six classes I took in the Spring
18) Mamma got her degree
19) Britt moved back home for good!
20) I saw the spill canvas again
21) I saw Jaime
22) Me and Joe broke up
23) My friends came through
24) rock climbing
25) I started bartending
26) beautiful sunday
27) Went to one of dad’s softball games
28) Saw Barbie and Ken
29) I finally found a new church and started going regularly
30) Having insurance on my electronics paid off twice
31) I saw rainbows. Even a double rainbow. I never see rainbows.
32) I saw the best fireworks in my life, and I always hate fireworks.
33) I met Gavin Schmidt
34) I was able to see Brie and Andrew again
35) I raised my GPA by a higher percent than initially goaled for
36) I saved money!
37) Joe and I tried again, but it didn’t work
38) I bought NutriSystem and lost weight
39) I saw Against Me!
40) I started boxing and kick boxing
41) I made my first Craigslist purchase
42) I got into Rowan
43) I got into Rutgers!!
44) Got in touch with Chris Lezcano
45) Reacquainted with my cousin Andrew
46) Reacquainted with Aubrey and Chelsea.
47) Saw the tree in NYC. I don’t know if I have ever done that.. maybe once.
48) Lost the $100 bet to Josh
49) Hung out with old high-school friends on their 21st’s
50) Had an amazing Christmas
51) Did a secret santa, actually gave a gift this year
52) Bought a gift for my last year’s secret santa, to make up for not getting one for her last year
53) Saw Robert Randolph and the Family Band
54) Became much closer with Kari
55) Had a last festivus at Josh’s, which we all needed
56) and I never mentioned my date with Jesus haha

The Finale (part 3)

Somethings just aren’t going to make sense, and you need to just accept that. It’s difficult when you don’t fully understand things, but sometimes you aren’t meant to. I remember learning that in Sunday school.. or somewhere in church. Who are you to think you deserve an explanation for everything? You don’t. Maybe one day it’ll make sense (in this situation it will make sense one day when I’m married and in love) and maybe one day it still won’t make sense. Regardless, it is what it is. You need to have the faith to believe that either way, it’s for the best.

I just hope I’m strong enough to be cool with this forever. But of course, I am.

We are many colors,

we are one dream.

Hi Che.

I’m not crazy.

Maybe I am crazy.

Maybe we’re supposed to be together forever.

Maybe I’ll fall in love and forget all about you.

Maybe I just need a hobby.

Life is beautiful, but there is a tiny bit of me that feels this..

Sometimes I need to remind myself that it hasn’t even been two months yet and that my heart isn’t healed. When I wake up feeling sad, or like today when I feel like I really just want to release through crying (though I can’t actually cry), I’m humbled. It’s been a month and a half. I did love him. I’m not completely comfortable yet having him out of my life. I could write about how well I’ve been doing. How fun Wednesday night was. How I met a cute boy, and it was just a confidence booster having someone take my number. I could say that Maureen’s boyfriend has a friend who is very interested in getting to know me better. Who thinks I am very pretty and cool. I could say that I’ve been having fun with my friends, I’ve started growing in my relationship with God, I’ve been happy and have had peace in my heart. I could say how a week or two ago I was sitting outside and felt completely over Joe. And how grateful I was for that.

But today, I am saying that my heart still hurts a little right now. I talked to Shannon the other day and had a dream last night that I was with him. He kissed me and we both looked at eachother. We both said we couldn’t do this, him because of Ashley and me because of Joe. I don’t know if I was dating Joe in my dream or not. But Shannon said how he was sorry about Joe and in my dream I started crying, but I didn’t want him to see. That seems accurate.  I might not be ready to date again yet, that’s fine. When people ask about Joe, I say whatever I say, but inside it still hurts sometimes. I just don’t want anyone to know that it still hurts. I don’t even think he hurts over me, but rather he just hurts because his life isn’t where he wants it exactly. He’s possibly sad over the loss of a relationship, but I don’t know if it’s actually the loss of me. I am going back to the movie Adaptation, where Nick Cage says that just being in love is enough, and if it isn’t reciprocated it doesn’t make it any less valid. Whether or not he loved me doesn’t mean my love was any less valid. I don’t even know if we really loved eachother, I didn’t know when it first ended. I wondered if I was in love a lot of the time, but in retrospect.. the blurred, numb retrospect that covers the lens of what a relationship was with plastic wraps makes it appear that I did love him. I think I did. Part of me probably still loves him. This officially is my dumb break up blog. Apparently. I don’t write in here often, only when I’m feeling really weird about it and need to write. The less I write about it, the better I’m probably doing.

But Wednesday night, I was out with your friends and I had a great time. And you could have been there and it woulnd’t have been awkward. It would have been fun. I miss him sometimes because I did lose a best friend. Last summer we started a friendship that took different turns, but I miss that friendship. I miss having fun with you.

Alone again.

It has been just over two months since I last updated this. Two months and ten days after that initial post Joe and I broke up. So, ten days later and I have texted him once. This was a mistake, a dumb, idiotic mistake. I don’t even want to speak with him or see him, but the fact that he hasn’t contacted me was a lot to handle at 4:30 in the morning after hours of drinking. I lay in that bed, Maureen’s, all alone and listening to my friends having a good time down stairs and I just felt.. I felt like I needed to get it out of my system. As if I knew I was going to do it eventually. The sooner I did it, the sooner I’d get it out of my system. And it worked, I don’t for the life of me wish to text him again. I also knew that the chances of him texting back were slim. If I really wanted to talk to him I would have waited until the next morning. But alas, it had nothing to do with actually speaking to him and everything to do with just allowing myself to finish up with the forbidden.

So here I stand, once again, alone. Not a soul in this world to make my heart leap, nothing to cure me, no one to adore me. Last time I was alone, before Joe, before Shannon even.. the last time I was truly alone I felt fulfilled. But that didn’t happen by chance. It took a lot of hard work to get over Jon and find a meaningful existence with myself. I mourn the loss of that existence because I was never as happy as I was when I was content in my own skin. Now I don’t like to be alone, I don’t find comfort in it like I had. Back then, I cherished driving to Red Bank or writing outside. Now all I can think is, “What’ll I do alone in Red Bank” and “I don’t want to drive out there.” But perhaps a day out there would be good for me. I could shop a little at Funk and Standard, spend too much money on CD’s from Jacks.. perhaps if I’m feeling adventurous I’ll wander into Secret Stash. Even grab a beer at the Dublin House and read a book. I need to read a good book. I want to find the cleansing effect of alone time again, I want to feel enriched in my solitude. I remember that when I felt this way.. disconnected, concerned or confused.. all I had to do was sit outside, smoke a cigarette, and talk out loud to myself. I would say, “You learn so much when talking with yourself. You come across realizations you didn’t have before.” I’d always walk away feeling better, and clear minded. But I’m all out of cigarettes. Besides, I already know this is for the better. I had said it myself a countless amount of times. I KNEW we should break up and almost felt relieved that it was finally there. But it’s still a loss, and I’m still saddened by it. I still am breaking the habit of him and am still being reacquainted with myself. I do wonder though, since I for so long was lying through my teeth sort of speak by staying in something I knew was probably wrong.. how long was he lying for? Or, was it ever really genuine.. ever? Or was there always one of us doubting?

The answers aren’t important at all. Just as I don’t care to know whether or not I ever truly was in love with him. The final product is this: I have learned.. loved of course (at whatever degree), and in the end I did not lose.. I simply went forward from it. I am now going forward. I just don’t know to where.