Turkey and Swiss

on Rye bread. With mustard, crushed red pepper, basil if I have it, and lettuce.

When I was pulling my sandwich out of the plastic bag, with a side of Baked Cheddar Chips and a coke, I realized I am as average as they come. A normal person, making their lunch and bringing it to work to help save even the few dollars buying a lunch would cost. Saving my money, living really modestly, so much so that it’s habit now.

I’m staying in Belmar for another year. It’s like I’ve been awakened. I really love my roommates and appreciate my life. I want to continue like this for longer.

Hopefully my upcoming raise is enough to quit bartending.

One more summer at the beach with Mark, swimming and tanning all day.

Belmar is my home, and it’s where we fell in love. Every corner, when warmed, holds a memory. The memories keep me smiling when I go running.

I’m thinking next year it may make sense to consider buying a home, which is the thought that prompted this post.

Being able to leave my job and drive to the beach is such an amazing gift.

John and the shore and Mark and Main St. Cheesesteaks and Brittany if she chooses. BBQs and tomato plants.

And then, when this year ends, the things that are in store are incredibly exciting.

I want to spend my life like this, with you.

godlike

I hesitate to write things in here at times because I sense that I feel like I get it off my chest, and then I don’t do anything with it. Like this is a vault filled with really good ideas.. if only I ever did anything with them other than jotting them down. But, I am tired of being my own god.

Listen, I do whatever I want and I have some moral gauge but I kind of ignore it constantly. I’m like queen of the moment. It’s getting old. Actually, it’s gotten old. I’m tired of being the ruler of my own life. I’m ready to let God take his position back. With that comes work and it’s that very work that has so often kept me from doing what I know I have to do eventually- give up the reigns and live better. I know the fulfillment you get when you live a life that is designed by God . I feel like selfish reasons guide my interest in getting back to God- I’LL be happier. I’LL be more fulfilled. I’LL skip hell. You know.. that stuff. But the truth is I miss it and it’s a huge part of me and a huge part of why I haven’t been fulfilled in so long. Also, that selflessness I lack comes in time.

The very fact that loneliness is any type of reason behind anything in my life is just proof of where I am and where I should be. I gotta admit I am lonely (boohoo). But the temporary relief I’ve been chasing after no longer relieves much at all. In fact, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, because either way I’m not left fulfilled.

I think I’m ready to find the true me. That WOMAN I’ve talked about.. that SOMEDAY WOMAN.. that person I see myself being when I’m “grown up”… well she isn’t going to appear out of nowhere. It’s not like I’ll turn 30 and suddenly be spiritually fulfilled and in tune and on track. My relationship with God is a very special one. We really do have a relationship and the communication has never ceased.. ever. I constantly every day feel Him. His presence is so obvious to me. I always feel it. Unfortunately, lately there hasn’t been much conversation. It’s been more Him whispering to me and me turning my radio up higher, you know?

But for what? Look at me in control here, what has it gotten me? Well, I’m alive and well and I laugh a lot and have fun a lot and my friends are good friends and I enjoy them. But other than that, I am not fulfilled. It’s funny, because I try to find purpose in my day-to-day tasks, yet I have no REAL purpose day to day.

Regardless of whatever that means, I love God and I feel so lucky to know Him. I am ready to let go of my stereotypes and just follow my faith and reconstruct my relationship. I mean all those things I used to hate about Christianity.. those are the flaws of individuals. I can’t judge them for their flaws nor can I allow them to keep me from actually living the life I’m supposed to. If I do that, I’m the sucker. I’m the one suffering.

Faith. The reason I am “lonely” (boohoox2) is because I have lost my faith. I used to never worry about relationships because I just KNEW in time God would bring me to whoever and until then I would just live a good life and do all the other things I want to do. But as I started to compromise myself and stopped cutting things off when God told me to (like I used to do so fervently in the past) I started to lose my belief that it would all work out. Its so foreign to me, to worry. And once I really recognized that I was holding on to whatever I could in order to keep from the realization that I am actually single (this is the first time I’ve felt single in the last 2.5 years) I realized that something has changed in me. And that change is a negative one. So now I’m ready to face my fears sort of speak.

I love life and it is so beautiful. I want to be beautiful again. Washed and clean and anew. You know, the real me. The me that I don’t know but who has been dormant and patiently waiting. Blech, this talk. I know what I’m saying. I dont really have that many regrets, it’s not like I was whoring it up and doing lines off of the bathroom floor at McDonald’s. But there is so much more in store and in the end, I’m just selling myself short. Screw that.

I’m coming back.

@thatkevinsmith

Kevin Smith tonight with Johnny! I’m excited. He called me at school- I was planning on calling him too which is coincidental- but he was like “There’s shit goin down.” And I was like, oh damn, leigha gossip. But he continued “Have you been on Twitter?” “No” “Well Kevin Smith has a show tonight in Philly and there’s tickets left. I’m saying let’s go, it’s only $40.. take some time to thi-” “Fuck it! Let’s go.” “Yeah? You’re down?” “Why the hell not!”

I never get to go but seriously let’s go. I got a midterm back today. It was on 2 short stories I hadn’t read. I got a 92. So I’m feeling invincible and like the reading I was planning on doing today can wait.

 

Knocked Up is becoming

one of those movies I always watch when it’s on, regardless of where I pick it up at. My final cut rough draft presentation went well today. I was the first to volunteer to have it screened because I wanted to make sure I got feedback on it. I can’t believe it was already a week ago that I freaked out. This past week was so strange emotionally but I am happy to announce I’m back from the dead. Today on the way to school I was happy, that inside happiness I feel often. It was gone last week. I think it was a mixture of learning a new program (which always makes me anxious, just like high school math did), getting/having my period, and the feelings of  transition and rejection that come from not having a steel plated heart or a reliable man. Fortunately that’s all been remedied. I figured out Final Cut with the help of my Prof and God and Mick, my period is over so my hormone levels are back to SANE, and I’ve accepted where my life is romantically after allowing myself a week or two to become accustomed to the transition. Yes, all is well again. I have to write a paper now though, boring. But at least I know about it. I missed Melodrama 2 weeks ago and apparently he assigned a paper that was due today. I checked my e-mail today in Digi class and found out Melodrama was cancelled but we should “still e-mail the papers in”. Um.. papers? Oh, the assignment is sitting 2 weeks back in my school email and I completely missed it.

Anyway, or also really- Dave has moved. I will miss him but I feel a sense of.. freedom. Whenever people leave their lives change. Why can’t my life seem just as new and full of possibility? Anyway, him moving reminded me of how exciting life can be, so I have certainly stolen some of his freedom for myself.

More Time

So I have lots of free time, really. To do my homework. To clean my room. To do my laundry. To reflect. To work on writing. To sleep. To l0ve my Mom. To like, do everything. I spend 99 percent of that time doing none of those things though. I spend it in my room, or trying to find something to do, or spending money, or sleeping, or avoiding homework like it’s going to actually hurt. But my computer’s cord… well it’s been fraying. And I put tape on it. And yesterday it started sparking but fortunately it did not short out my computer. So I need to buy a new one. But until it comes in I am going to have more time to focus on things other than the intranetz. And in doing so I feel like I am going to be more productive! I remember one time my computer was at the doctor.. because of the screen or the fan or something… I was without it for a few days. Now I have plenty of computers in the house to use, but none to sit on my bed with for hours. So I went to bed earlier. I did shit. I felt like I had more time in my day. So I’m excited that my computer is out of commision for now. Along with that comes this project I have to work on. A ‘visual essay’- a movie. A film. I think it’ll come out well. I’m excited about school. Dammit I’m enjoying it kind of.

I’m very weary of my  money. Eh- weary isn’t right. I WOULD be stressed if it weren’t for my awesome mother. She is paying for what my TAG didn’t pay. She’s paying for my new health insurance that I have to get through school. She’s paying for my DEI fees. She helps me so much because all she wants is for me to “save. Save and finish school. Save so you have money for when you want to move out, or for when you’re ready to have a new car. Save save save.”
I really appreciate her because as she put it, “My mother had me hand my paychecks over to her. All I want is for you to keep yours.”
Since she is being so nice I should really take this opportunity to be responsible. I owe it to her. So instead of spending 100 bucks here or there on life obligations, whatever she spends on me I should match in my bank account. Yes, that’s a NOVEL idea.

And as a final note, last night I went to bed at 11:30. I woke up at 9! Not 9:50. Not 10:25. No I got up I should say at 9 (woke up at 8 but allowed myself to chill and sleep and relax). I had time to shower, do my hair (WHAAAT!?), stop by Meineke, get coffee and breakfast, print papers out and I was still at class on time. Let me tell you, going to bed early is the answer. I wasn’t tired in class today. I’m doing pretty well. I don’t look like a monster.

So that is why people don’t stay up until 3 AM. I geeett ittttt

Rub some Benafleck on there

Today I ran the entire 5 miles without stopping to walk except for once and it was for no more than 3 minutes. I was so proud of myself. I just kept thinking, every time I wanted to stop, “You’re going to do it eventually and if you quit now you’re just going to have to try again and it’s still going to suck then, so keep going.” I did it. My right ankle, which I wrapped before because it was feeling a bit weak lately started to hurt. But it’s fucked now. It’s sprained, just like my left ankle 3 months ago that was out of commission for three weeks. This time I’ve smartened up a bit. Immediately I had it wrapped, I soaked in Epsom salt, I elevated, I iced, etc. I’m on Perkiset now so I can’t feel it but for a moment I felt it throb so I know it’s still messed up. I don’t work again til Friday (I had to give up a $175 dollar shift today!!! I CANT AFFORD THAT). I’m a bit worried about driving to/walking around school but I can’t rack up missed days just yet. I’d like to keep those for either 1) getting sick like I often do once a winter and 2) for days I’m just too sleepy to go.

So, my running career is over, but I’m proud because I did what I have been building up to: ran the entire 5 miles. I felt my leg muscles really working. Toward the end I started to run as fast as my tired legs would to “let out that last bit of energy” and my legs almost gave out completely. Thiiis close to muscle failure.

I was going to go to John’s Jiu Jitsu/Muay Thai Kickboxing class this week with him and Josh but I’m going to have to wait at least a week until I can walk without looking like a complete invalid.

Alright, glass of wine to help me fall asleep and then.. sleep.

Contented Sigh

We have absolutely everything we need now, except a visor for the windshield. And the car. But we’ll have that by tomorrow. Snacks and foodage, electronic things, hygienics.. it’s all sitting in my closet waiting. The cities have been picked. The order of the cities in place. The routes will be done city by city, but we can do that. We’re leaving Monday now instead of Sunday because we have been working everyday this past week and need 1 day of not working to pack and get all ready. So Monday 6 am we’ll be on the road and in Nashville by 8ish. I’m excited. I want this. And I have so much music downloading my computer might self destruct.. but we’re going to be good on music and I’m almost as excited about that as I am about the trip itself.

I’ll be writing. I have earplugs so I can sleep. We’ll be camping in so many national parks we’ll probably forget what a bed feels like. And money.. we have money. In fact we’ll probably be closer to our original goal than we thought.

And that issue I was talking about before- that guy.. it’s nothing. We’re going to remain friends and that’s better because in the long run even I know it shouldn’t work. I mean hello.. he’s even an Atheist. And the funny thing is lately he’s been mocking Christians around me which he’s never done before. I think it was God’s way of showing me I need to detour around that. I’m okay with that, I’d rather dodge 1000 bullets than get my heart unnecessarily broken even once.

I remember countless nights sitting in my backyard looking at the sky on an unusually warm night that had been surrounded with cold days and just fantasizing about the trip I am so close to taking. And it’s not running away- like it had been for a while when life felt suffocating. And it’s not a needed catharsis like it was when my mind was clouded. And it’s not a last ditch effort to thaw my writers block like it was when my creativity had been frozen over by the bitter winds of a shitty few months. No- this isn’t any of those things anymore. Now, I am content in my life. Now, I am pretty happy. Now, my friends are great. Now, the summer has been treating me well. Now, this trip is just something amazing to look forward to. I don’t have severe expectations of it saving me or healing me or anything like that. It’s just nurturing. It’s beautiful. It’s awesome and exciting  and scary and it’s only 4 days away.

Someday dreams to one day dreams to tomorrow to today.

Life as Ordinary

My ankle is still sore but I was able to walk better on it today. I’m hoping tomorrow it won’t be killing me. First day back at work was okay, made $138. I had this one table though, these two innocent yet terrible girls who sat for almost a full hour and a half after closing. Dave and I had to then wait until Sue was done because she let the cooks go home. I like how I have a repore with the cooks these days. It makes everything easier. Nic called me while I was working and because Sue was there and this table wouldn’t leave, leaving me with nothing to do until they left, I took it. We talked about our sagas and it put everything into perspective. It’s not that bad, living life unattached. It looks worse than it is. And really it makes you stronger. To have the bravery and strength to let go is a beautiful thing, and sometimes you need to get to the point and say, “Enough is enough.” I’m excited about the unknown, it just sucks when life feels uneventful. But its then that you become yourself.

I’m looking forward to writing this book. I was thinking about getting published on my way back from dog sitting at my dads, and it made me cry. I guess I really want that, more than I knew.

Legs of rubber.. Legs of STEEL

I haven’t updated in a while but I wasn’t in a place to update. But lately I’ve started to thaw a bit. My creativity is coming back. My long stint with writers block seems to be thawing and my life is feeling a lot more balanced. I’m happier. They say to have true balance you need to be emotionally, spiritually and physically in the same place. But for so long I’ve been too little on one thing or too focused on another, and my balance was off kilter. Lately though I’m feeling better. Standing up for myself has helped me to become emotionally more balanced, instead of letting myself feel walked over or under appreciated. This running at the reservoir has really balanced me physically. It is a catharsis. It keeps me from spending all day in my room before work. It makes me active. And with hopes of losing more weight, it gives me incentive. I enjoy it.

At first we speed walked three miles. The next day we speed walked 4 miles. The next day we speed walked/jogged five miles. Then today we speed walked two miles and jogged two miles. Depending on what time we wake up and what time we work, the mileage shifts, but we will always have time to do at least 4 miles. Now we’re going to try to alternate every mile between speed walking and jogging. Initially it’ll be 1)walk 2)jog 3)walk 4)jog 5)walk. Then we’ll switch to 1)jog 2)walk 3)jog) 4)walk 5)jog. After jogging or running 3 miles becomes easier, we’ll slowly transition into 1)jog 2)jog 3)walk 4)jog 5)jog. Obviously the goal is to be able to run 5 miles at a decent pace without dying. That’s going to take some time, but it’s a goal to have. I look forward to it and enjoy it. We are taking tomorrow off though because after 4 or 5 days of doing this every day, we need to let our muscles rest. Also, we have to get fingerprinted tomorrow and I don’t have time to do both.

Spiritually, I’ve stopped stressing over it. the more I stressed about how unworthy I was and the more I recognized ALLL the changes I needed to make, the less I would do because I was overwhelmed. I love God, God loves me, and gradual changes in time will be made and eventually I’ll get to wherever God wants me to be.. and then I’ll have to progress further. It’s a journey, NOT  a destination. So I’m just enjoying it.

I want to buy the patch. Quitting would be great, because as I was running today I could feel the smoking in me. At one point my heart was on fire.

I’ve been looking for something of intrinsic value. Something that made my life more than just what it was. By cutting back drastically on my spending, not going out to eat, cooking with Brittany, going to the reservoir and working more I feel like the time I do have off is cherished. I’m not completely lazy anymore. I feel like I’m balanced. And this road trip, though a huge leap of faith, will top it off. It at times felt more like a burden. Here I am saving all this money.. I could go shopping and get my hair done and go tanning! And feel so good. But I think of all the nights I sat outside smoking, daydreaming about this trip.. I owe it to myself. And once I go, I’ll be so glad I did.

I just pray Lord that you bless this trip and this Summer. I pray that you help us to save the money we need to save and that you keep us safe. Be with us and guard us and guide us. I love you Lord and I thank you for all the beautiful and wonderful things in my life. I am sorry for my shortcomings God. I just want to make you proud. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Continue to be with me as I navigate life. Thank you Lord. Amen.

Just an update

I got an A- on one of my papers today, which officially is my first A on a paper at Rutgers. The rest have all been B’s.. so score. I also worked the hardest on this paper I think. Secondly, Dave moves tomorrow, but he’ll be back in 2 weeks, either to get the rest of his stuff or because he’s spending the summer here. I really really hope he stays for the summer. We’re missing out on a lot with him gone.

Okay this weather has been amazing! The perks are
1) My leg hair doesn’t grow as quickly! In the winter, I get goosebumps on my legs and it makes my leg hair grow back faster, which is terribly inconvenient.
2) I’m so happy. I think I’m happy because life is going well and I’m in a good place, but this weather plays a significant role in that. I wasn’t this happy in the winter at ALL, which is my main proof.

This weather sucks because:
1) I don’t have air in my car and by the time I get to wear I’m going, I’m all sweaty.
2) I’m not tan and I feel like a slob because of it
3) I don’t have enough summer clothes.

2 and 3 can be remedied.. and as for 1.. well Britt is going to take her car to the shop and we’ll split it if it’s worth getting HER air repaired because we’re going to need it.