to Rachel for getting accepted into the Peace Corps. She’ll be in Africa in 5 months. We’ve maintained a really good friendship seeing as she moved to Florida our Junior year and we’ve only visited one another three times since then. But 5 months she’ll be gone? No phone therapy? No 3 minute therapy sessions? We’ll have so much to catch up on and we probably won’t really talk at all while she’s gone.
I am so proud of her. I will really miss her. She’s going to do amazing things.
Kevin Smith tonight with Johnny! I’m excited. He called me at school- I was planning on calling him too which is coincidental- but he was like “There’s shit goin down.” And I was like, oh damn, leigha gossip. But he continued “Have you been on Twitter?” “No” “Well Kevin Smith has a show tonight in Philly and there’s tickets left. I’m saying let’s go, it’s only $40.. take some time to thi-” “Fuck it! Let’s go.” “Yeah? You’re down?” “Why the hell not!”
I never get to go but seriously let’s go. I got a midterm back today. It was on 2 short stories I hadn’t read. I got a 92. So I’m feeling invincible and like the reading I was planning on doing today can wait.
one of those movies I always watch when it’s on, regardless of where I pick it up at. My final cut rough draft presentation went well today. I was the first to volunteer to have it screened because I wanted to make sure I got feedback on it. I can’t believe it was already a week ago that I freaked out. This past week was so strange emotionally but I am happy to announce I’m back from the dead. Today on the way to school I was happy, that inside happiness I feel often. It was gone last week. I think it was a mixture of learning a new program (which always makes me anxious, just like high school math did), getting/having my period, and the feelings of transition and rejection that come from not having a steel plated heart or a reliable man. Fortunately that’s all been remedied. I figured out Final Cut with the help of my Prof and God and Mick, my period is over so my hormone levels are back to SANE, and I’ve accepted where my life is romantically after allowing myself a week or two to become accustomed to the transition. Yes, all is well again. I have to write a paper now though, boring. But at least I know about it. I missed Melodrama 2 weeks ago and apparently he assigned a paper that was due today. I checked my e-mail today in Digi class and found out Melodrama was cancelled but we should “still e-mail the papers in”. Um.. papers? Oh, the assignment is sitting 2 weeks back in my school email and I completely missed it.
Anyway, or also really- Dave has moved. I will miss him but I feel a sense of.. freedom. Whenever people leave their lives change. Why can’t my life seem just as new and full of possibility? Anyway, him moving reminded me of how exciting life can be, so I have certainly stolen some of his freedom for myself.
I’ve been trying to watch my caloric intake lately, and thus had a dream last night that I weighed 149. I was very upset about it.
My mom has the flu. I have no insurance. I pray I don’t get it.
I am still full from Johnny Rockets 16 hours ago. I didn’t stuff my face but that place just.. ugh. But you have to be a true American and have a burger, chili cheese fries and a shake. So maybe I did stuff my face. I hung out with Shark for a while there.
Checked my e-mail. 2 from my Monday professors. One basically offering me an extension on that final cut project. I didn’t ask. He could just tell I guess? I still feel very overwhelmed. Like I want a nice massage and a remote control to fast forward through the semester.
Dave moves on Sunday. I’m sad. We’re going out tonight for him. I don’t want to get too drunk because I have to go help Maureen wedding dress shop on Saturday morning and you can’t be hungover for that type of thing. As she put it, “If you throw up it’ll really hurt my self confidence” haha.
I’m off to go to class and then come home and work on that damn mf project. It’s the thorn in my side but once I get it moving it shouldn’t be a big deal.
Lord be with me.
Oh and I’m excited for Halloween even though I look like a fool in my costume.
I love that when my friends and I take group pictures, everyone is touching. One person’s arm is around another, and that person has his hand on someones shoulder, and that person is clutching a friends forearm.. blah blah. We’re all connected and we all love eachother. And we’re all deeply connected. We’ve all been there for eachother in ways the others haven’t, but we have all been there.
or burned. I haven’t figured out yet which is actually correct. In anycase, I like looking back on entries and seeing when I am sunburned because it means for a minute of my life I was a different color than… well I was actually a color.
I have a headache and I’m sleepy. This weekend is a true cluster of stuff. Blueclaws game on Friday, party that night, 4th of July Saturday which is split between Bayville and LBI, and either LBI to Sunday or Matt’s. Then Monday I have off which is kind of unnecessary and kinda sucks because I need money but I’ll make do. Beach or Meineke or something.
Today, the coveted Wednesday day off, was good. Slept in, went to Rutgers to help Brittany get her stuff in order, ran into an old old aquaintance from high school IN the sociology building. Now this is God. We went in there and saw only offices, having zero idea where to go. I saw Vithya when I first walked in walking toward me but didn’t say anything. We walk in the same direction she’s headed when she asks if we need help. Turns out shes actually going for her Master’s in Sociology. So, she sends us up to the Dean’s office.. we never would have found that.. and we get everything Brittany needs. It was nice because Britt had had a bad run in with a lady at the major declaration office and was in a pretty bad mood. But after randomly running into someone I haven’t talked to since Sophomore year we got everything Brittany needed and the Dean was awesome. She feels so much better now.
Then we went to the Brunswick Sq. Mall, got dinner, went back to Freehold, saw My Sister’s Keeper, and then kicked back with the Niedrich’s and Mark. It was a good day but I am exhausted and my face hurts and I am ready to slip away into some dream world. Also, My Sister’s Keeper was 2 hours (or whatever) of me non-stop crying. I’m really glad I read the book first because, as always, the book had aspects that made it much better than the movie.
Good Night
My ankle is still sore but I was able to walk better on it today. I’m hoping tomorrow it won’t be killing me. First day back at work was okay, made $138. I had this one table though, these two innocent yet terrible girls who sat for almost a full hour and a half after closing. Dave and I had to then wait until Sue was done because she let the cooks go home. I like how I have a repore with the cooks these days. It makes everything easier. Nic called me while I was working and because Sue was there and this table wouldn’t leave, leaving me with nothing to do until they left, I took it. We talked about our sagas and it put everything into perspective. It’s not that bad, living life unattached. It looks worse than it is. And really it makes you stronger. To have the bravery and strength to let go is a beautiful thing, and sometimes you need to get to the point and say, “Enough is enough.” I’m excited about the unknown, it just sucks when life feels uneventful. But its then that you become yourself.
I’m looking forward to writing this book. I was thinking about getting published on my way back from dog sitting at my dads, and it made me cry. I guess I really want that, more than I knew.
So on Thursday I left class ten minutes early. It was dull, I just wanted out. I thought we were done, packed my stuff up, and then realized there was ten minutes left and he was going over another poem. So I bounced. I knew Take Back the Night was doing a march on campus that day, but it started at 6:30 and I had class. When I left it was just before 9 and figured it was over. I heard them march past our classroom, screaming some chant about ending domestic violence, and as their voices faded away I figured that was it. But as I was walking down College Ave I came across a group of about 30 or 50 people surrounding a microphone. A girl was giving a spoken word about being raped, and I stopped to listen. Actually, I jolted to a stop. The next person went and I listened intently and began to get tears in my eyes. It was really emotional for me. A few more people went, some talked about rape, others about domestic violence, and I felt myself saying, “You have to go up there.” I knew I’d be so disappointed in myself if I didn’t. After seeing there wasn’t a line or a list or a roster, I crept up to the front of the crowd. A girl stepped down and the mic was open, and no one went up. All of a sudden I just dropped my bags and walked up to the mic. I was so nervous, and I looked at the crowd on the busiest street in school, standing at the microphone, and just opened my mouth and said, “Three years ago I was raped,” then I took a moment and felt myself wanting to cry so I followed with, “And if I start crying it’s not out of weakness but because the fact that I can stand up here and say that to all of you shows how far I’ve come.” Then, to my surprise, people started clapping and cheering, and I took that moment to recollect myself. I went on to tell the story, the aftermath, the people saying “it was fucked up but it wasn’t rape.” I explained how I had to see him continuously after that, how he ate lunch with Shari and I. I told them about telling my mom and how for so long I had no voice. But then I explained how I started talking about it- to my class, to my family. And I explained that the moment you stand up on your feet and find your voice again is the moment you begin taking back the night.
Afterward I was really emotional. I was shaking and crying, so I called Rachel and cried pretty hard. Then I called my mom and cried some more. It wasn’t an immediate catharsis like I imagined it would be. Instead it made me realize that I’ve never dealt with it. If hearing those other girl’s stories could make me cry then there is still scarring on my heart that needs to be addressed. Also, if I cried so hard after telling my story then there is definitely scarring I need to address. It’s just that I still tell myself it wasn’t rape. But I said no, and I’ve been so affected by it that I can’t deny it. I owe it to myself to say, “yes I was raped, and yes I am affected, and no it wasn’t okay!” But my question is, if you heal from it, do you forget it? Does that mean you’re over it? Does that make it okay? It doesn’t I guess, but I think I want to be mad at him. I told Rachel shortly after it happened that I genuinely forgive him, but I don’t! I don’t. And he never had any repercussions so I feel like by holding on to it he isn’t getting away with it. I guess if I healed and forgave him completely I’d feel like he really got away with it. And since it’s way too late to report it, by letting it stay within me I’m keeping him from getting off totally scotch free. But why should I have to be the one to pay the price for him? If he can go on with his life, I deserve to go on with mine. And though he never suffered any legal or worldly consequences, my faith is that he will or has suffered consequences that I just can’t see. I think I should go to a counselor and talk about it, in order to start the healing. I firmly believe in counselors, I think they are so beneficial and help you to realize things you can’t realize on your own. Or at least things that would be supremely difficult to realize on your own. Maybe I’ll do that next semester… go to the school counselors that is. But, never the less, speaking in Take Back the Night was a life goal of mine and I’m so proud of myself for getting up there.. completely alone.. no one in the crowd who knew me or to support me.. and telling what happened. Proud of myself for admitting it out loud. Maybe it helped some one, but even if it didn’t, it at least helped me to realize I still have healing to do.
In other news, last night a bunch of us went to the Chapter House because it was Anjel’s 23rd birthday. They were holding a raffle for a 3 day 2 night stay at a hotel in whatever state you chose. I told John that if he won he should take me and that if I won I’d take him. I don’t know why I said that, maybe because we were splitting so many tickets. They were free and Haas was bar tending and she gave us a huge pile of tickets. I ended up winning! So we picked Myrtle Beach because Katie and Tim live out there. We could hang out with them without putting them out, go to the bars, see Vinny. It’s going to be fun. Alana and Bobby might go to SC that weekend too and stay with KT and Tim. If we get 2 beds Brittany can come too and maybe even Kari if she can get off from work. We’re planning on going in August.
Tomorrow is going to be beautiful and we’re having a BBQ at Maureen’s. It’s going to be so nice and maybe I’ll even get some color! I should wear shorts to be sure.
In retrospect I’m happy I went last night. I didn’t know most of the people there but it wasn’t like a big party, it was an intimate thing. Sure, if Lizzie hadn’t walked in when we did it might have been a different kind of night… but I’m glad we were able to talk to her. Two sides to every story and after all the shit I think I get her point. I mean, we’re all idiots. We all make terrible decisions when it comes to dating. And apparently we all suck at letting go. So that’s not to say either of them are intelligent in their process, it’s just to say I get it.
As the days roll on, I’m becoming a little happier and a little happier and more comfortable in my skin and in my life. I don’t feel like anyone is better than me or better off than me. I, for the most part, like where I am. Theres thing I hate, like Maureen being how she is sometimes and Josh being how he is sometimes, but the good of everyone and everything else outweighs the negative.
I don’t feel like I’m in a group of friends anymore. I just go to and fro and do what I want. It’s nice and freeing.
I don’t feel like I have to answer to anyone anymore too. I don’t have to explain myself. I just don’t care enough to do that. If someone asks for an explanation or puts me down or is condescending.. they just look ignorant and insecure to me.
Anyway, I’m making a tiny little mark for myself, like a little nest, right in the center of everything in my life. And I belong.
I’m been feeling good lately. Not so sad or longing.
Kari came over last night and I drank a lot of wine. Ended up subscribing to so many bands on Pollstar. Freaking JOHN VANDERSLICE is playing in New York this week and I’m going to miss it. I didn’t know! So I Pollstarred him for future notice.
I’m looking at the rest of my week:
School today, work tomorrow, Meeting and work Saturday..
It all seems so routine.
