More Time

So I have lots of free time, really. To do my homework. To clean my room. To do my laundry. To reflect. To work on writing. To sleep. To l0ve my Mom. To like, do everything. I spend 99 percent of that time doing none of those things though. I spend it in my room, or trying to find something to do, or spending money, or sleeping, or avoiding homework like it’s going to actually hurt. But my computer’s cord… well it’s been fraying. And I put tape on it. And yesterday it started sparking but fortunately it did not short out my computer. So I need to buy a new one. But until it comes in I am going to have more time to focus on things other than the intranetz. And in doing so I feel like I am going to be more productive! I remember one time my computer was at the doctor.. because of the screen or the fan or something… I was without it for a few days. Now I have plenty of computers in the house to use, but none to sit on my bed with for hours. So I went to bed earlier. I did shit. I felt like I had more time in my day. So I’m excited that my computer is out of commision for now. Along with that comes this project I have to work on. A ‘visual essay’- a movie. A film. I think it’ll come out well. I’m excited about school. Dammit I’m enjoying it kind of.

I’m very weary of my  money. Eh- weary isn’t right. I WOULD be stressed if it weren’t for my awesome mother. She is paying for what my TAG didn’t pay. She’s paying for my new health insurance that I have to get through school. She’s paying for my DEI fees. She helps me so much because all she wants is for me to “save. Save and finish school. Save so you have money for when you want to move out, or for when you’re ready to have a new car. Save save save.”
I really appreciate her because as she put it, “My mother had me hand my paychecks over to her. All I want is for you to keep yours.”
Since she is being so nice I should really take this opportunity to be responsible. I owe it to her. So instead of spending 100 bucks here or there on life obligations, whatever she spends on me I should match in my bank account. Yes, that’s a NOVEL idea.

And as a final note, last night I went to bed at 11:30. I woke up at 9! Not 9:50. Not 10:25. No I got up I should say at 9 (woke up at 8 but allowed myself to chill and sleep and relax). I had time to shower, do my hair (WHAAAT!?), stop by Meineke, get coffee and breakfast, print papers out and I was still at class on time. Let me tell you, going to bed early is the answer. I wasn’t tired in class today. I’m doing pretty well. I don’t look like a monster.

So that is why people don’t stay up until 3 AM. I geeett ittttt

Verifying My Existance

Today I woke up and didn’t have a fever! I think that means I’m better!

I am getting used to being ignored.

I’ve been obsessing over some pretty strange stuff lately, and I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve been stuck in my house for the past 5 days. But I have been obsessing! And when you obsess you make a big deal out of things that aren’t a big deal at all to anyone else. Fortunately, I’ve kept my crazy to myself. I really need to get back to school tomorrow. I will be there. I regret getting sick. I wish I hadn’t missed so many classes, but also, I got it all on lock. So I’m not too worried. Just have some reading to catch up on today.

On Saturday I’m going skiing. That’s going to be a lot of fun. As long as I don’t fall down and have to get rescued from the mountain again. My new boss, Mike, is going to be there. I wish he wasn’t. I just want to spend time with my mom, but now him and his douchey friends are going to be around. Kristen’s coming too, which is fine though. And Britt is snowboarding, so all these snowboarders being there is good for her.

Are snowboarders douchey? These ones are I bet.

Stark Contrast

Being sick is somewhat comforting because I am reminded of medicine that makes me sleepy and my mom rubbing my head and my back. It reminds me of soup and crackers in bed and being groggy until I am allllllllllll better.

But then I realize I’m 22, and have to work, and that I can’t take medicine that makes me groggy, and that if I want to be able to stay in bed I better have been sent to the hospital, because otherwise I’m fired. And instead of my mom taking care of me I am going to be heckled by drunk bar guests who want to kid around or talk about their dull days, and my bosses will probably tell me I look like shit, and if I cough everyone is going to grimace because obviously I’m preparing their drinks.

That is not so comforting.

But still, in 13.5 hours I should be back here in bed, and my mom will give me a hug and I’ll drink some tea and house some medicine and I’ll drift to sleep and tomorrow I’ll feel even better.

Pieces of Peace

There is more. Always, there is more.

It is not enough to go to school. It is not enough to work. It is not enough to go out with my sister. It is not enough to have dinner with friends. It is not enough to have phone calls. It is not enough to plan movie dates. It is not enough to have everyone around who is around.

Looking at that, my memory was jogged and I saw myself with my plans. Like today’s plans of movie and dads. Like tomorrows plans of movies with Nic and going to Alana and Bobby’s. Like Tuesday’s plans of sleeping at Josh’s. Like every Wednesday’s plans. Of Rachel’s phone calls and how much I love her.

My life looks full. It is full. But still I am not content. And I wholeheartedly believe I need to change my relationship with God. It’s not bad, but it feels one sided at times. I’m asking and praying all the time, but what I am doing for him? It can never be an equal relationship so I need to do whatever he asks of me in order to give back something to Him who gives me everything. But I don’t know what he’s asking of me right now! Maybe just to read and go to church.. which yes I could definitely improve on. But I feel like it should be something more exciting. And maybe that’s just it. I just need to do whatever He wants.

All in an attempt to find peace. I looked up a Christian club at Rutgers and found some multi-ethnic christian something or other, and it didn’t interest me. But I wish it had.

A Fingertips Distance

So my mom and Mick are having issues and yeah it’s kind of serious, but also in marriages, you have issues and work through them. I suppose though my faith in my mom being able to work through things is a bit shallow, seeing as for so long things weren’t possibly work through-able for her. Or she just didn’t want to. And now I feel that though she could work through things, who knows if she wants to. Maybe she’s someone quick to throw in the towel. Maybe not.

The only evidence I have that relationships can work is through the marriage between my Dad and Dina. And my faith in love arises solely from their relationship and from the love of God. Because I betray and let down God so often, and he continuously forgives me, I see what true love is capable of. I know God’s love for me is the purest and best example of love to ever exist, and that no man will ever be able to love me like God loves me, but I think I believe I will find someone who loves me as close as possible to that.

I still get nervous when my mom fights. Like I’m 12 years old again. It would be nice to have someone who loves me that I could talk to about with it. Someone who would turn to me and say, “You know, we’ll never be like that.” But also, I have God. And every one who has ever said that to me ended up disappearing, for whatever reasons. I’m okay with that. I’m also fully aware of what I need to accomplish. And I have the faith to know that someone is out there, so I’m never worried over it.

Love is real, that I believe. I learned that from my father. I will never stop believing that. One day for sure I’ll experience love for real myself.

The Recap I Always Do

Alright, how should I write this.

The year started off beautifully. New York, in love, champagne, surrounded by my boyfriend’s friends, all of whom I liked. At that time, it was the perfect beginning of my year.

The year will end surrounded by my friends, mixed drinks, karaoke, food, and all the New Year’s kisses I can reach for. At this time, that is perfect.

Everything that has happened in between is a blur of sorts. My biggest accomplishment was school, seeing as I finally finished Brookdale and was accepted into Rutgers. This was a goal of mine (to finish and find a new school). At times, it really stressed me out. I remember crying in the library, so unsure of where I even wanted to go. But I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I wanted to also be with Joe, so I was considering places in other states when in actuality, Jersey is best for me right now. I did, also, realize that when in a new place you appreciate things about it that the locals take for granted. So put those rose colored glasses on when you’re here, at home. You’ll find a lot of beauty.
I didn’t do everything I had hoped to do this year. I didn’t pay off my credit card, but I’m so close it’s going to be done before I know it. I didn’t quit smoking either. And I never visited Shari. But a few things didn’t happen that I’m fortunate for. My mom didn’t move. I didn’t have to get my own place. I did, however, learn more Spanish. If 2007 was the year of business, and 2008 was the year of intellect (that’s how I worded it last year, and I’m always right) then what can I brand 2009?
2008 held change for me yes, but it was more a preparatory year. I had to finish up with the loose ends of Brookdale. In that time, I was indecisive and at times crazy but overall, I did what I had to do. So I was in love, and then I wasn’t. I had my friends, and then some of them weren’t my friends so much anymore. I think 2008 was a year that held a lot of intrinsic value. I became more confident and did what I wanted, because I stopped caring about the opinions of others. Sometimes this worked against me, but I don’t mind. I also allowed myself to live off of emotions for a bit, which is always beautiful, though also always retarded. By the end of 2008 I was very thankful to God. He has done a lot for me, and recently has been reaching out to me. I learned more about God this year than I have in a long time.
So, 2009.. where would I like to see you? 2009 just may be the year of adventure. Oh, that’s exciting.
Adventures include: New school, internships!, England, possible road trip with Sharkey..
I think just the fact that my future is coming into focus makes me excited. I really am anxious to get my hands on this English major. I am really glad that I’m following my gut doing what makes the most sense. So my goals for 2009.. I’d like to stop procrastinating and gossiping, I’d like to pay my credit card, go the gym, and I’d like to be content with myself. Physically and internally. Also, I struggle with my writing identity, so I’d like to find it. And lastly, I’d like to earn really good grades because this is my last chance at a super fly GPA, and I’d like to intern.

Why are these things an adventure? Because it’s new, uncharted territory for me.. it’s exciting terrain I’ve yet to explore.

Good bye 2008. I feel like 2009 is going to take me out of my comfort zone, and I think I’m going to be kind of an adult by the end of it (kind of). We’ll see. Here’s to the unknown, by far one of my favorite aspects of life.

1)I saw Demetri Martin’s indifferent graffiti, “Toy Story 2 was okay!”, in a New York bathroom,
2) I got a B+ in my winter class.
3) I went to Florida.
4) I convinced far too many people that I was engaged.
5) He surprised me in the mall
6) I had a valentine
7) I spent Valentines day in Philly
8) Lost
9) Joes emotion fueled drive to Jersey
10) Mark got knocked up and I promised to never call him again
11) I bought rollerblades
12) Joe graduated and is finally moving back
13) I played in a poker tournament and wasn’t first out
14) Snoop Dogg watched me dance
15) I talked to the lead singer of Bouncing Souls and he looks a lot older than I expected
16) I got a guitar pick from mxpx.. and gave it to Joe
17) I got all A’s and B’s in the six classes I took in the Spring
18) Mamma got her degree
19) Britt moved back home for good!
20) I saw the spill canvas again
21) I saw Jaime
22) Me and Joe broke up
23) My friends came through
24) rock climbing
25) I started bartending
26) beautiful sunday
27) Went to one of dad’s softball games
28) Saw Barbie and Ken
29) I finally found a new church and started going regularly
30) Having insurance on my electronics paid off twice
31) I saw rainbows. Even a double rainbow. I never see rainbows.
32) I saw the best fireworks in my life, and I always hate fireworks.
33) I met Gavin Schmidt
34) I was able to see Brie and Andrew again
35) I raised my GPA by a higher percent than initially goaled for
36) I saved money!
37) Joe and I tried again, but it didn’t work
38) I bought NutriSystem and lost weight
39) I saw Against Me!
40) I started boxing and kick boxing
41) I made my first Craigslist purchase
42) I got into Rowan
43) I got into Rutgers!!
44) Got in touch with Chris Lezcano
45) Reacquainted with my cousin Andrew
46) Reacquainted with Aubrey and Chelsea.
47) Saw the tree in NYC. I don’t know if I have ever done that.. maybe once.
48) Lost the $100 bet to Josh
49) Hung out with old high-school friends on their 21st’s
50) Had an amazing Christmas
51) Did a secret santa, actually gave a gift this year
52) Bought a gift for my last year’s secret santa, to make up for not getting one for her last year
53) Saw Robert Randolph and the Family Band
54) Became much closer with Kari
55) Had a last festivus at Josh’s, which we all needed
56) and I never mentioned my date with Jesus haha

Some Night in Mid December

My shoe fell apart today at work. The sole, toward the toes, fell apart and every time I took a step it dragged on the floor, waiting to make me fall. I decided to tape it back together, and after tediously taping it perfectly.. it looked ridiculous. I took the tape off after 30 minutes or so and realized I had unintentionally created a perfect dome shape structure that perfectly fit over the top of my shoe, but one that did little to keep my shoe securely together. It worked, but the structure was slacking and wasn’t secure. I really just looked homeless. Sometimes you can not salvage things, no matter how hard you try.

Tonight I went out with Megan, Shark and Josh. It was a good time, because they are good, well thought people, and Megan makes me laugh. And Shark is not his name. His name is Kevin. I should acknowledge this eventually.

My sister and I just had a good talk with my mom. It started because I came home around 2, and at 2:15 my sister opened my door and told me I had to deal with a problem. The toilet got clogged today. It’s because my sister and I use too much toilet paper, but I took the initiative saying I’d plunge it, so at 2:00 in the morning my mom woke up due to the dogs barking and my sister told her I had to plunge the toilet. This created a really funny scenario. I did it wrong apparently, and my mom ended up taking over saying, “This is no longer funny! If this overflows it’ll ruin the kitchen ceiling. I am not laughing Che.”

I was.

Afterward we hung out in the hall, and eventually were all sitting on the floor, just talking and laughing.

I appreciated the time spent with my mom.