The Feeling

It’s a fire, originating in your heart, moving straight up to your head. Past your face, where it lingers enough to give it a light buzz, and up to your brain. The fire roars inside your chest, down to your stomach, making your arms and shoulders warm. Your face is warm. Your body buzzes. It’s like electricity paired with flames. Your eyes are half open. You feel excited, and happy. At peace. You feel like talking a mile a minute. Almost like being on cocaine, except you could fall asleep if you wanted. It reminds you of being in love. This feeling. And you see why and how it is so addicting. And then, you feel slight remorse as it ceases to intensify. Like a ball thrown in the air, it only goes so high until it stops completely, midair. After that moment, it’ll only go downward. That’s where you are. You’re midair, as high as you can get, expecting nothing less. And then you begin to fall.

I don’t think I have time to shower and I’m looking forward to eating

I’m been feeling good lately. Not so sad or longing.

Kari came over last night and I drank a lot of wine. Ended up subscribing to so many bands on Pollstar. Freaking JOHN VANDERSLICE is playing in New York this week and I’m going to miss it. I didn’t know! So I Pollstarred him for future notice.

I’m looking at the rest of my week:
School today, work tomorrow, Meeting and work Saturday..
It all seems so routine.

Field sobriety test

One of my life goals was to be given a field sobriety test by a cop during a moment where I had had a few drinks but couldn’t actually be arrested. Tonight I achieved this.

We met a bunch of Asbury cops tonight. After spending some time with them, as we were getting ready to leave, I asked them to give me a field sobriety test. I told them to forget they knew me and treat me like they would if they had just pulled me over. And they did.

Those things are hard!

And guess what- four beers in and I failed. Then, as I finished, I was walking and (since I was wearing a pair of Kari’s boot, which are really slippery) I slipped and fell in the parking lot. They told me that I failed in that moment alone and that they would have put in their police report, “While smoking a cigarette, she fell.”

It just made me realize that no, even if I feel fine, I wouldn’t be able to sober up enough, if I got pulled over, to pass a sobriety test. I always thought getting pulled over would sober me up immediately. Good thing I have had a 2 beer cap when driving for the past year or so. Also, they said my eyes were glazed and bloodshot enough to have probable cause to give me a test. But they also told me that my breath didn’t smell like beer because I had smoked a cigarette.. so that logic is still intact.

Anyway- that was fun. I also tried to ‘resist arrest’ and I would have been really good at it if Rachel didn’t step in because she’s all ‘women’s lib’ and shit. Regardless.. I had a life goal accomplished tonight. Makes up for the goal I didn’t accomplish tonight- getting my name in movie credits.

And I had fun with Rachel, Rachael, and Steph.

I have my picture

I’m rewriting this in actual words that actually mean something.

I haven’t been having fun lately. Lately as in, the past 8 months. I have been confused, stressed, saaaad, nauseous and struggling to feel ‘normal’. But I haven’t been enjoying a whole lot. I’d lost the fun when out with friends. I lost wanting to hang out with friends. I lost the appreciation for people and I lost whatever spontaneity I had.

But recently, in the past month or two, I made a mental decision to start having fun again. It just took me a while to realize I had stopped enjoying things.

And I have been having fun. Sober fun, drunk fun, sister fun, friends fun. I’ve made efforts to hang out with people I usually don’t, to go out when I usually wouldn’t to places I usually wouldn’t, etc. I didn’t do this so much in the recent past because I didn’t- I don’t like to distract myself from life. I like to realize what’s wrong and to then deal with it. Of course I sometimes distract myself, but for the most part, I don’t. I mean I wish I could a lot of the time! But I feel like it’s not genuine. To ignore your mental state or your emotional state is irresponsible to yourself. And it just backlogs everything and you end up with a wall of issues to eventually tackle.

I guess I’m getting back to normal. I’m talking real actual normal. Me 2 years ago normal. The state of Che that exists alone.. yeah I’m getting there. To the place where I recognize myself again. To a place where my mannerisms are mine, my words are mine, my thoughts are mine. To the place where I’m totally disconnected from the past and back to me. That state of normalcy. And that’s a good thing.

But after last night… I don’t want to rack up mistakes. I don’t want to have regret. I want to be good in God’s eyes! But then nights like last night happen and I think on one hand, it was fun and I don’t regret it and it actually did me some good. But then there’s that other part, the ‘I’mmmmmm an idiot’ part.

Back to normal is good, but I just hope I can stay on God’s path. It’s easy to be on it when you’re self searching constantly.. really looking within. It’s easy to be on it when you feel alone, and God is all you have. It’s easy to be on it when you’re not being asked to do anything, but instead you’re being comforted.

But when I stop looking deep into myself for a while, when I don’t need as much comfort, when I’m not completely alone*, when I am being asked to change, when my mind begins to wander… it’s then that the real struggle begins. I don’t want to be all ‘holy-holy-holy’ only when my world is crashing and I’m in need of a savior. I want to be consistent with my relationship during the times when I don’t feel such a desperate need for Him as well.
(Not that I don’t need God, because I do. I do do dodododododdoo. I am a mess without Him. A completely hopeless walking disaster.)

*I say I don’t feel alone because I had, along with giving up fun, curled up into myself. I stopped talking about what was ailing me, and it wasn’t good. I felt like I had such weight in my heart, and no one knew. So just recently I realized this, that I had resigned myself to walk life without any help, and I decided to do the opposite. I’ve been open lately, honest. I stopped caring how I looked and I gave up trying to uphold any type of reputation and I just let my heart speak for itself. Being honest with those in my life has helped me to become more honest with myself, which I think is why I realize so much lately. I have quit trying to reassure everything. For example, I’d always write “Dont get me wrong, I’m happy” or “I don’t care about this” or “Yeah things are good for the most part” and I’d usually follow it or precede it with just a hint of truth. The issue I really should have talked about but didn’t because I didn’t want anyone knowing what was going down, and I don’t think I wanted to really stare at my ‘pathetic’ truth. But not anymore. Not here. Because if I let my voice fade, I’ll read back here and everything will be a carbon copy of every other entry. If I’m not honest in here, whats the point of writing?
If I’m not honest with my friends, whats the point in calling them my confidants?
If I’m not honest with myself, well then.. whats the point of anything.

After a night out

I always wake up, thinking “what did I do?” As in.. did I call anyone I shouldn’t have? Did I get online and make an idiot of myself to people? Did I, toward the end of the night, become a rambling idiot and say things to my friends, or my friend’s friends, that I regret?

Fortunately, I didn’t do any of those things because by the time I came home, I had lost my phone.
By the time I left the bar, all the alcohol hadn’t quite hit me yet, so I didn’t ramble (I don’t think).
And when I came home, I picked up my computer, put it 5 centimeters from my face and still couldn’t read anything. That’s when I became dizzy and spent a long time downstairs, between the bathroom and the couch.

But there are a few mysteries. Like, how did Brittany drive home? Also, when did Tiara leave? Thirdly, where the hell is my phone? And, how was I able to change my away message last night when I couldn’t even read IM’s?

Anyway, I don’t know why I decided to drink last night. I’m poor and it’s only Tuesday. I’m a dummy.