godlike

I hesitate to write things in here at times because I sense that I feel like I get it off my chest, and then I don’t do anything with it. Like this is a vault filled with really good ideas.. if only I ever did anything with them other than jotting them down. But, I am tired of being my own god.

Listen, I do whatever I want and I have some moral gauge but I kind of ignore it constantly. I’m like queen of the moment. It’s getting old. Actually, it’s gotten old. I’m tired of being the ruler of my own life. I’m ready to let God take his position back. With that comes work and it’s that very work that has so often kept me from doing what I know I have to do eventually- give up the reigns and live better. I know the fulfillment you get when you live a life that is designed by God . I feel like selfish reasons guide my interest in getting back to God- I’LL be happier. I’LL be more fulfilled. I’LL skip hell. You know.. that stuff. But the truth is I miss it and it’s a huge part of me and a huge part of why I haven’t been fulfilled in so long. Also, that selflessness I lack comes in time.

The very fact that loneliness is any type of reason behind anything in my life is just proof of where I am and where I should be. I gotta admit I am lonely (boohoo). But the temporary relief I’ve been chasing after no longer relieves much at all. In fact, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, because either way I’m not left fulfilled.

I think I’m ready to find the true me. That WOMAN I’ve talked about.. that SOMEDAY WOMAN.. that person I see myself being when I’m “grown up”… well she isn’t going to appear out of nowhere. It’s not like I’ll turn 30 and suddenly be spiritually fulfilled and in tune and on track. My relationship with God is a very special one. We really do have a relationship and the communication has never ceased.. ever. I constantly every day feel Him. His presence is so obvious to me. I always feel it. Unfortunately, lately there hasn’t been much conversation. It’s been more Him whispering to me and me turning my radio up higher, you know?

But for what? Look at me in control here, what has it gotten me? Well, I’m alive and well and I laugh a lot and have fun a lot and my friends are good friends and I enjoy them. But other than that, I am not fulfilled. It’s funny, because I try to find purpose in my day-to-day tasks, yet I have no REAL purpose day to day.

Regardless of whatever that means, I love God and I feel so lucky to know Him. I am ready to let go of my stereotypes and just follow my faith and reconstruct my relationship. I mean all those things I used to hate about Christianity.. those are the flaws of individuals. I can’t judge them for their flaws nor can I allow them to keep me from actually living the life I’m supposed to. If I do that, I’m the sucker. I’m the one suffering.

Faith. The reason I am “lonely” (boohoox2) is because I have lost my faith. I used to never worry about relationships because I just KNEW in time God would bring me to whoever and until then I would just live a good life and do all the other things I want to do. But as I started to compromise myself and stopped cutting things off when God told me to (like I used to do so fervently in the past) I started to lose my belief that it would all work out. Its so foreign to me, to worry. And once I really recognized that I was holding on to whatever I could in order to keep from the realization that I am actually single (this is the first time I’ve felt single in the last 2.5 years) I realized that something has changed in me. And that change is a negative one. So now I’m ready to face my fears sort of speak.

I love life and it is so beautiful. I want to be beautiful again. Washed and clean and anew. You know, the real me. The me that I don’t know but who has been dormant and patiently waiting. Blech, this talk. I know what I’m saying. I dont really have that many regrets, it’s not like I was whoring it up and doing lines off of the bathroom floor at McDonald’s. But there is so much more in store and in the end, I’m just selling myself short. Screw that.

I’m coming back.

Knocked Up is becoming

one of those movies I always watch when it’s on, regardless of where I pick it up at. My final cut rough draft presentation went well today. I was the first to volunteer to have it screened because I wanted to make sure I got feedback on it. I can’t believe it was already a week ago that I freaked out. This past week was so strange emotionally but I am happy to announce I’m back from the dead. Today on the way to school I was happy, that inside happiness I feel often. It was gone last week. I think it was a mixture of learning a new program (which always makes me anxious, just like high school math did), getting/having my period, and the feelings of  transition and rejection that come from not having a steel plated heart or a reliable man. Fortunately that’s all been remedied. I figured out Final Cut with the help of my Prof and God and Mick, my period is over so my hormone levels are back to SANE, and I’ve accepted where my life is romantically after allowing myself a week or two to become accustomed to the transition. Yes, all is well again. I have to write a paper now though, boring. But at least I know about it. I missed Melodrama 2 weeks ago and apparently he assigned a paper that was due today. I checked my e-mail today in Digi class and found out Melodrama was cancelled but we should “still e-mail the papers in”. Um.. papers? Oh, the assignment is sitting 2 weeks back in my school email and I completely missed it.

Anyway, or also really- Dave has moved. I will miss him but I feel a sense of.. freedom. Whenever people leave their lives change. Why can’t my life seem just as new and full of possibility? Anyway, him moving reminded me of how exciting life can be, so I have certainly stolen some of his freedom for myself.

Flat-Lined and Halloween

I have definitely been feeling emotionally shielded lately. Like, as if the other day (yesterday, actually) I took a hit and now inside I’m hiding under the covers. Just to take care of myself. I’m feeling better. Gosh, I don’t break down easily, but afterward I’m always a little tender. I haven’t been blogging as much either. In part due, I’m sure, to my computer being testy with the power cord situation, but also because blogging moods come and go, and after my Writer Craze subsided, I had some left over great writing feelings, and then I wrote those chapters to the book, and now I’m flat lined. Not flat lined as in dead, I mean emotionally straight. Writing and emotion are so tied together for me. If someone knew me well enough they could read my blog and after a week just know where I am emotionally.

Halloween should be good. Work with Nic and Josh will be fun and then Matt’s later that night. Sucks I’ll be getting there so late. I have to decide to either 1) not  drink too much and drive the girls home or 2) stay the night. I’ll figure it out then. But I got my costume all figured out today, the last piece will be Nic drawing out my shirt. It’s so silly looking, it made me laugh.

Britts here, foods here, I’m out

ahem

uh huh.

I am.

Smile your lovely smile, and tell me of tomorrows for awhile. Hold my hand and tell me, tell me, tell me

Today I Am Depressed

It all started in my Digital Media class, we have to make a presentation on Keynote instead of powerpoint. I don’t use Apple. I don’t know how to use a Mac. And regardless of how “user-friendly” it is, I don’t get it. And I became overwhelmed. Exasperated. Exhausted. Enraged.

So, I finally leave there and I got grumpier with each step I took. I know now what I want to do. I am moving west the day I graduate. Maybe not the day.. but see…

I always envisioned the road trip as the be all and end all. It was my goal. And now it’s done. And so I have been wondering what I would want to do next, but since that spark.. that burning neeeeed to leave had been fulfilled, it wasn’t really that high on my list of concerns. Until suddenly, the spark has been reignited. I’ve been home for barely over a month and already that damn spark is back. Oh passion. Anyway after thinking about it I decided something. My mom was saying that since I don’t need to start paying back my loans until 6 month after I graduate, I should use that time to travel. I was fully expecting myself to do Teach for America for a year. But I don’t think I want to anymore. I decided that since Brittany is going to be in school for 2 years more after I graduate (including her masters.. damn girl making me look bad) I can’t just wait around for her. Yes we have plans to move outta here together, but I don’t want to just get a job in the city with Adam while I wait for her. Because 2 years of that will change me, and I’ll see my benefits and my security and my promotions and I’ll be locked in. I’ll miss out on my dreams. I don’t want that. Not yet. So, I am going to move by myself. Just me. To a city where I don’t know anyone. And I’m just going to live there. I’ll have a little porch maybe and grass and I’ll sit outside with a sweatshirt and a drink, my music playing, and I’ll breathe in the crisp mountainous air and I’ll be content.

You see, the writer in me has more than emerged. It is taking over. I can’t stop daydreaming. I can’t stop doodling. My notebooks look like that of a child with ADD. I can’t stop writing little poems or ridiculous nothings. Nothing substantial.. the creativity is just oozing though. And being away and somewhere new will enhance that. I’m not fighting it anymore. I might even be going crazy. But that’s a good thing. The best writing comes out of my craziness.

And so, where will I move? I’m not sure yet. I liked Denver. I liked Portland too. I could move to a surrounding area by one of those two cities. But you know, the Portland thing probably won’t happen. But it’s a year or a year and a half away, so I’m sure that if anyone I know is moving to Portland they’ll do it by then. Otherwise.. I’m going where I want to go.

And soon.. I am just going to go.

And I’ve also realized why we perpetuated our mistakes for so long. We needed reminders as to why it was doomed. We’re very forgetful.

I am even forgetful at times still.

Regardless, I want to be by the Pacific, but I want it to be overcast and gray and beautiful, and springy/fallish. I want to see the huge waves crash on dark rocks with heavy fog as its backdrop. And that my friends is the pacific northwest.

But maybe I”ll settle for the Rockies in the distance.

I don’t know yet.

I feel better.

Contented Sigh

We have absolutely everything we need now, except a visor for the windshield. And the car. But we’ll have that by tomorrow. Snacks and foodage, electronic things, hygienics.. it’s all sitting in my closet waiting. The cities have been picked. The order of the cities in place. The routes will be done city by city, but we can do that. We’re leaving Monday now instead of Sunday because we have been working everyday this past week and need 1 day of not working to pack and get all ready. So Monday 6 am we’ll be on the road and in Nashville by 8ish. I’m excited. I want this. And I have so much music downloading my computer might self destruct.. but we’re going to be good on music and I’m almost as excited about that as I am about the trip itself.

I’ll be writing. I have earplugs so I can sleep. We’ll be camping in so many national parks we’ll probably forget what a bed feels like. And money.. we have money. In fact we’ll probably be closer to our original goal than we thought.

And that issue I was talking about before- that guy.. it’s nothing. We’re going to remain friends and that’s better because in the long run even I know it shouldn’t work. I mean hello.. he’s even an Atheist. And the funny thing is lately he’s been mocking Christians around me which he’s never done before. I think it was God’s way of showing me I need to detour around that. I’m okay with that, I’d rather dodge 1000 bullets than get my heart unnecessarily broken even once.

I remember countless nights sitting in my backyard looking at the sky on an unusually warm night that had been surrounded with cold days and just fantasizing about the trip I am so close to taking. And it’s not running away- like it had been for a while when life felt suffocating. And it’s not a needed catharsis like it was when my mind was clouded. And it’s not a last ditch effort to thaw my writers block like it was when my creativity had been frozen over by the bitter winds of a shitty few months. No- this isn’t any of those things anymore. Now, I am content in my life. Now, I am pretty happy. Now, my friends are great. Now, the summer has been treating me well. Now, this trip is just something amazing to look forward to. I don’t have severe expectations of it saving me or healing me or anything like that. It’s just nurturing. It’s beautiful. It’s awesome and exciting  and scary and it’s only 4 days away.

Someday dreams to one day dreams to tomorrow to today.

Life as Ordinary

My ankle is still sore but I was able to walk better on it today. I’m hoping tomorrow it won’t be killing me. First day back at work was okay, made $138. I had this one table though, these two innocent yet terrible girls who sat for almost a full hour and a half after closing. Dave and I had to then wait until Sue was done because she let the cooks go home. I like how I have a repore with the cooks these days. It makes everything easier. Nic called me while I was working and because Sue was there and this table wouldn’t leave, leaving me with nothing to do until they left, I took it. We talked about our sagas and it put everything into perspective. It’s not that bad, living life unattached. It looks worse than it is. And really it makes you stronger. To have the bravery and strength to let go is a beautiful thing, and sometimes you need to get to the point and say, “Enough is enough.” I’m excited about the unknown, it just sucks when life feels uneventful. But its then that you become yourself.

I’m looking forward to writing this book. I was thinking about getting published on my way back from dog sitting at my dads, and it made me cry. I guess I really want that, more than I knew.

The Feeling

It’s a fire, originating in your heart, moving straight up to your head. Past your face, where it lingers enough to give it a light buzz, and up to your brain. The fire roars inside your chest, down to your stomach, making your arms and shoulders warm. Your face is warm. Your body buzzes. It’s like electricity paired with flames. Your eyes are half open. You feel excited, and happy. At peace. You feel like talking a mile a minute. Almost like being on cocaine, except you could fall asleep if you wanted. It reminds you of being in love. This feeling. And you see why and how it is so addicting. And then, you feel slight remorse as it ceases to intensify. Like a ball thrown in the air, it only goes so high until it stops completely, midair. After that moment, it’ll only go downward. That’s where you are. You’re midair, as high as you can get, expecting nothing less. And then you begin to fall.

Legs of rubber.. Legs of STEEL

I haven’t updated in a while but I wasn’t in a place to update. But lately I’ve started to thaw a bit. My creativity is coming back. My long stint with writers block seems to be thawing and my life is feeling a lot more balanced. I’m happier. They say to have true balance you need to be emotionally, spiritually and physically in the same place. But for so long I’ve been too little on one thing or too focused on another, and my balance was off kilter. Lately though I’m feeling better. Standing up for myself has helped me to become emotionally more balanced, instead of letting myself feel walked over or under appreciated. This running at the reservoir has really balanced me physically. It is a catharsis. It keeps me from spending all day in my room before work. It makes me active. And with hopes of losing more weight, it gives me incentive. I enjoy it.

At first we speed walked three miles. The next day we speed walked 4 miles. The next day we speed walked/jogged five miles. Then today we speed walked two miles and jogged two miles. Depending on what time we wake up and what time we work, the mileage shifts, but we will always have time to do at least 4 miles. Now we’re going to try to alternate every mile between speed walking and jogging. Initially it’ll be 1)walk 2)jog 3)walk 4)jog 5)walk. Then we’ll switch to 1)jog 2)walk 3)jog) 4)walk 5)jog. After jogging or running 3 miles becomes easier, we’ll slowly transition into 1)jog 2)jog 3)walk 4)jog 5)jog. Obviously the goal is to be able to run 5 miles at a decent pace without dying. That’s going to take some time, but it’s a goal to have. I look forward to it and enjoy it. We are taking tomorrow off though because after 4 or 5 days of doing this every day, we need to let our muscles rest. Also, we have to get fingerprinted tomorrow and I don’t have time to do both.

Spiritually, I’ve stopped stressing over it. the more I stressed about how unworthy I was and the more I recognized ALLL the changes I needed to make, the less I would do because I was overwhelmed. I love God, God loves me, and gradual changes in time will be made and eventually I’ll get to wherever God wants me to be.. and then I’ll have to progress further. It’s a journey, NOT  a destination. So I’m just enjoying it.

I want to buy the patch. Quitting would be great, because as I was running today I could feel the smoking in me. At one point my heart was on fire.

I’ve been looking for something of intrinsic value. Something that made my life more than just what it was. By cutting back drastically on my spending, not going out to eat, cooking with Brittany, going to the reservoir and working more I feel like the time I do have off is cherished. I’m not completely lazy anymore. I feel like I’m balanced. And this road trip, though a huge leap of faith, will top it off. It at times felt more like a burden. Here I am saving all this money.. I could go shopping and get my hair done and go tanning! And feel so good. But I think of all the nights I sat outside smoking, daydreaming about this trip.. I owe it to myself. And once I go, I’ll be so glad I did.

I just pray Lord that you bless this trip and this Summer. I pray that you help us to save the money we need to save and that you keep us safe. Be with us and guard us and guide us. I love you Lord and I thank you for all the beautiful and wonderful things in my life. I am sorry for my shortcomings God. I just want to make you proud. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Continue to be with me as I navigate life. Thank you Lord. Amen.

Daydreams

Lately I’ve been daydreaming. I live on my own, in a little house with what looks like antique furniture. Everything is fresh. Cross breeze makes it way from open window to open window. White linens, fresh pale purple flowers. A kitten named Lola. I’m not in New Jersey. I’m in Virginia or Louisiana or somewhere else that I’ve never spent any time in. I live in a small town, and can walk to work. Downtown is only a ten minute walk, and I work in an office as an editor for a website. They write articles about different trends in business, demographics, whats being made and what’s actually being sold. I don’t write but I just gave my boss a few articles and he really liked them. If he took me on as a writer too, I’d get a good raise. I’m fully confident. I throw clothes on and feel beautiful. The breeze makes me so content. And after work, I walk home and light candles and eat dinner at my kitchen table, or outside on the back table. It’s simple and quaint and lovely. Strikingly old fashioned, unfamiliar… and perfect. I don’t know how long I’ll be there, I’ve stopped thinking about the future. I’m content where I’m at, and nothing else matters.

After I graduate, I hope to find true peace. I don’t want to work for a business in the city. I don’t want to stay in NJ. Ideally I want to find a nice little town that is nothing like here but has everything I need.

Sigh… how wonderful.